


right click > save as

by kittpurrson



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Online Dating, Fandom AU, M/M, Multimedia, Tumblr, brief Isak/Julian friends with benefits, fandomception
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-10-19 17:27:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 47,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10644609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittpurrson/pseuds/kittpurrson
Summary: Isak, a fic writer in the Minute by Minute fandom, had the world's biggest crush on the fandom's biggest name.The fandomception AU, in which two boys fall in love over Discourse, gifsets, and increasingly dirty hashtags.





	1. rating: explicit

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is very different to Lost Boys. I hope it doesn't disappoint! You can consider it a love letter to the SKAM fandom, and to the friends I've made in it. 
> 
> In the spirit of SKAM, I decided to try something a little bit different here: fandomception! You'll find that there are two LIVE Tumblr pages, currently posting content, that are also part of this fic. You can follow Isak and Even there for content that is part of (but not necessary to) this main storyline, and while this fic is in progress you'll be able to interact with them and send them asks and likes.
> 
> Isak: [imilluminatii](http://imilluminatii.tumblr.com)  
> Even: [bl0ndelvis](http://bl0ndelvis.tumblr.com)

**-**

**FREDAG 21:18**

 

 **imilluminatii  
** send help  
I just walked in on eskild washing his dildo collection  
In my kitchen sink

 **bl0ndelvis  
**!!!!  
haha wtf  
why the kitchen sink th 

 **imilluminatii  
** “it’s bigger”  
he says with a wink  
omg there was so much glitter 

 **bl0ndelvis  
** lololol  
and that’s what you’re focusing on  
fucking epic new chapter btw I’ll comment once I’m home okay 

 **imilluminatii  
** thanks even  

 **bl0ndelvis  
** <3  
next time more sparkly dildos tho pls

 **imilluminatii  
** hahaha fuck you

 

-

Isak scrolled down his Tumblr feed, waiting for more comments to roll in. He’d posted chapter ten of _Go Forth_ about twenty minutes ago, and he was nervous about this one. Fredrik and Tobias had finally fucked, after a stupid amount of buildup, and his followers had been sending him asks all week about writing a sex scene. It was his first ever… which was kind of scary, especially because he’d made Fredrik the bottom.

Thank fuck for his beta, was all he could say. Mags had no shame, and had happily cheer-led him through the whole thing, even though he too had _zero_ real life experience with gay sex.

Any sex at all, if his annotations in the google doc were to be believed.

Not that Isak could talk, but at least he did the research. Like. A lot of research. And yes okay sometimes he thought a lot about that research in quite graphic detail okay, but—

DAMN. Isak refreshed the page, and there at the top of his dash was a new selfie of Even. His hair defied gravity, as usual, but he was also holding up all ten fingers as he smiled. 

 

**bl0ndelvis  
** _Guess who’s ten months into lithium-free living. So far so good!  
_ _#my bipolar life  #tw: bipolar disorder  #tw:medication  #that face tag tho_

 

Isak pressed the like button without a second thought. He was the first one—not that that gave him any sort of weird pleasure, or anything. Not much, anyway.

 _Cute hair,_ he typed in the reply box. _But needs more glitter <3 _

He looked at the picture again, and smiled to himself. Without even a second of shame, he right-clicked, and saved the picture, before dragging it from his desktop to his Google drive. He saved it as _even9_ , then closed the window, safe in the knowledge that nobody would stumble across it, should they borrow his computer. He’d nearly been burned that way once before.

 _Hahaha,_ Even wrote, seconds later. _Glitter’s for the private chats only ;)_

Well, that wasn’t going to add fuel to the fire at all, Isak thought. At this point, his crush was basically unstoppable, anyway.

-

Just minutes later, notifications from his fandom email address started coming through.

 _mohning141_ left a comment on your story…

 _reggismeggis_ left a comment on your story…

 _loglady92_ left a comment on your story…

 _jobrows_ left a comment on your story…

 

Isak took a deep breath, and settled in to read them.

As usual, Jonas’s comment was a mix of teasing and genuine praise. Isak replied with a string of hearts and capslock, laughing to himself as he did.

Isak had never imagined, when Jonas first got him watching _Minute By Minute_ , that he’d end up in a _fandom_ of all things. At first he’d only got a tumblr to lurk and follow Jonas’s posts—rambling about the show’s ‘groundbreaking feminist stances’ and portrayals of teen issues—but eventually he’d started cautiously posting things of his own.

And then he’d discovered fanfiction, and his hypothetical sexuality crisis went from zero to one hundred.

He’d mostly started writing Tobrik fic as a way of dealing with the fantasies that were clogging up his head. Like, once he’d moved in with Eskild, things got easier, but he never thought he’d be capable of going out to Eskild’s bars and hooking up with men, no matter what his “guru” said. On Tumblr, though? Isak could hide behind the anonymity and just be himself for the first time.

Well. Be _imilluminatii,_ anyway. To his followers he was just _Immy_ , a cute take on his username that he’d been christened with by Magnus, his first ever fandom friend, and never had the heart to change.

His blog was everything he wouldn’t want to admit to in reality, to the people at school. But he was proud of it: his page, the declaration simple but bold.

 

**He/him. 17. Norway. Gay.**

 

He’d never used his real name there, or posted selfies, and he’d never specifically said _where_ in Norway he was from. Jonas went by his real name, and posted plenty of pics, but whenever he talked about Isak—irl!Isak—he just referred to him as ‘the best bro’. He’d been nice and careful not to let on that _imilluminatii_ and Jonas’s real life bestie were the same person, keeping it a closely-guarded secret, and Isak was grateful for it.

He still lived in fear of people he knew finding him online, figuring out it was him.

He often wished he was as brave as Even seemed, but he imagined it was easier to be brave when you looked like Even. The fancy swoop of his hair, his long limbs, his bright smile. He was the biggest nerd in the universe but Isak was so into it. The first time _bl0ndelvis_ had commented on _Go Forth_ Isak thought he was going to explode. He’d been liking and commenting on every single one of Even’s YouTube videos, reblogging every single one of his amazing gifsets, ever since he joined the fandom, well before he knew what Even even looked like.

And suddenly Even knew he existed. How crazy was that?

The little whooshing sound told him he had another message on Tumblr chat. He opened it to more messages from Jonas.

 

 **jobrows  
** broooo  
even just made a gifset for go forth did you see it  
he definitely likes you 

 **imilluminatii  
** WHAT  
...  
Seriously?!?!!? 

 **jobrows  
** um yeah seriously go look 

 **imilluminatii  
** I am just  
????  
holy fuck bro this is everything  
omg  
why 

 **jobrows  
** bro I told you  
he’s just as weird about you as you are about him 

 **imilluminatii  
** uh???  
weird???  
excuse me I’m not weird about him 

 **jobrows  
** haha oh rly what word would you use 

 **imilluminatii  
** …  
gay  
definitely gay 

 **jobrows  
** …  
lmao  
okay good point  
but seriously 

 **imilluminatii  
** fuck what do I say? 

 **jobrows  
** idk  
say thank you?  
he’s messaging me now asking if you saw it jfc issy

 

Isak couldn’t quite believe it. Jonas had been telling him for a couple of weeks now, ever since Isak and Even started messaging each other regularly, that Even was just as intrigued by Isak as he was by Even. Somehow Isak doubted that, considering his own little Google drive of selfies and saved chats. But fuck, it was a nice thought. Scary but nice.

Even didn’t even know what he looked like.

He knew—and was the only person who knew—that Isak was Jonas’s mysterious best friend. He and Jonas had been fandom friendly ever since Jonas wrote that meta about the portrayal of Malin’s mental illness, and Isak had eventually let it slip to Even that Jonas was his bro in real life, as well as online.

 

 **imilluminatii  
** that doesn’t mean he likes me  
maybe he just likes the fic

 **jobrows  
** and what about last week  
when he asked me if eskild was your boyfriend

 **** **imilluminatii  
**???  
why does he care tho  
he doesn’t even know what i look like

 **jobrows  
** not for his lack of asking

 **imilluminati  
** he was kidding

 **jobrows  
** no  
no he wasn’t

 **imilluminati  
** jonaaaas

 **jobrows  
** we could post a pic to my blog   
of my ‘best friend’  
nobody but him would even know it’s you 

 **imilluminatii  
** bro please  
i know you mean well  
i just can’t

 

Isak closed the window and huffed, feeling the sloshy discomfort of fear in his gut. He wasn’t ready, for fuck’s sake.

Why couldn’t Jonas let it go?

 

-

The notification for Vilde’s latest fic came through just as Isak was replying to his latest ask meme... and procrastinating responding to Jonas. A typical Friday night, basically. He snorted as he opened the chapter preview, because it looked like he wasn’t the only one to be posting a sex scene today.

Vilde’s fic was an AU, and he had really liked all of the chapters so far, but he couldn’t help but cringe as he scanned this over. A romantic hotel getaway? They were teenage boys, for fuck’s sake. Sometimes he wondered if Vilde had ever met any. Vilde was a good writer, for sure, and there was a reason she was so popular. But the sex scene in the new chapter wasn't his favourite. It was too--he wasn't sure what the word he was looking for was, but 'perfect' came to mind. Full of ‘broken moans’ and ‘dripping holes’ and Tobrik slowly boning to a Taylor Swift song on silk sheets, which was a nice enough thought. But it didn't feel in character for cold, stiff-upper lip Fredrik, or for Tobias, the gruff farmer's son working all hours to prove himself at the university. It was just so fucking cheesy.

And yet...

Isak couldn’t help but be annoyed with himself as he felt the stirrings of arousal low in his belly. He was just willing himself not to touch his cock when he reached the part where the boys came, and found himself laughing out loud. Well, that killed his vibe.

Isak may not have ever been with a boy, but he was pretty sure synchronized orgasms were actually quite difficult to achieve. Not to mention that he wasn't sure he was ever getting the mental image of ‘Fredrik raining cum’ on Tobias out of his head ever again. Fucking hell, Vilde.

Out of habit, he opened up the group chat on his phone, and smiled when he saw the new messages from Sana.

**discourse defense squad ;)**

**starinthrumyrearview  
** So   
Have you seen it?

 **Waffles95  
** New chapter? Eyy

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** it's good but  
the sex scene

 **jobrows  
** Wait, you still read her fic?  
I thought you didn't like her lol

 **** **starinthrumyrearview  
** hello, I didn't say that  
I said she gets on my nerves sometimes

 **** **mohning141  
** I liked it!

 **** **waffles95  
** I skimmed the sex scene tbh  
Eva since when are you in this gc

 **** **mohning141  
** Jonas invited me :)

 **** **imilluminatii  
** of course he did ;)

 **** **starinthrumyrearview  
** yo Immy. I knew you were lurking.  
Has Magnus said anything about Vilde's fic yet?

 **** **waffles95  
** Magnus just left her a gushing comment

 **** **imilluminati  
** … again, of course he did

 **** **jobrows  
** Okay I just read it  
Someone needs to talk to Vilde about her portrayals of gay sex  
how do you lovingly drizzle an anus with lube

 **** **imilluminatii  
** THANK YOU

 **** **waffles95  
** whoomp there it is  
let the Discourse begin

 **jobrows  
** I love Vilde's fic but omg

 **mohning141  
** What’s wrong with it???! It was hot

Isak rolled his eyes and closed the chat, because he knew where that conversation was headed.

This sex scene aside, Vilde’s fics were actually really good—and they were really popular, like, they got a ridiculous amount of kudos. And she was a pretty cool girl, as far as Isak could tell. 

He left her a positive comment nonetheless, because the sex scene was not the fic, and he liked the fic. He couldn't begrudge her her fans, but the whole ‘fandom famous’ thing seemed to have got to her head a little, lately.

He was jealous, maybe. But that was his secret.

Still, Vilde had never had Even make a gifset for one of her fics. Isak switched back to Even’s page. There it was, racking up likes and reblogs by the second, a link to _Go Forth_  underneath it, and a tag that made Isak’s mouth curl up into a grin.

_# this fic is everything right now_

He should thank Even, he knew, so he reblogged it for himself with the most enthusiastic tags he could think of underneath… was that enough?

He opened up Jonas’s message again, and sighed to himself. _He’s messaging me now asking if you saw it._ What did that even mean?

Isak wasn’t under any illusions that someone like Even would ever be interested in him. Especially for his—what, his personality? To Even, Isak was just some anonymous 17 year old kid behind a screen writing gay sex—and a guy who looked like that could get anybody he wanted. He could be sleeping his way through Lillehammer, if he wanted to.

So, sure. Isak could talk to him, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up. His crush was already sad enough as it is.

As the time on his laptop clock hit midnight, Isak sighed. It was getting late, and he’d promised Jonas a trip to the skate park in the morning, for old time’s sake. It just wasn’t the same now that he wasn’t into any of the guys showing off their moves, but at least he could take coffee and plan the new chapter in his head.

Isak was just about to turn out the lights when two new emails caught his eye. One he deleted straight away—a terse message from his father with details about a concert he wanted Isak to attend—but the other got his attention.

Isak’s breath caught in his throat, and he sat up straighter.

**bl0ndelvis** left the following comment on **Go Forth (Into the Storm)**

_Halla Immy. You know I’ve been reading this fic for a while and when you said there was going to be a sex scene I was almost wishing for bottom Fredrik and I was like "nei it's not gonna happen, no one ever writes that" and thEN IT HAPPENED FAEN IMMY FAEN <333 _

_I agree with you that Fredrik was bottoming in the cabin scene. I don't think enough people realize this but I thought it was such a good decision on the show's part. Because Fredrik is just so comfortable with his sexuality and what he wants and also why shouldn’t he want to get fucked tbh, it’s the actual best._

_But the point is I really love in this fic how they have these romantic gestures for each other that are so not like cliched, like Tobias spending his hard earned library job money on that dinner because Fredrik told him people always expected him to pay before... it was amazing when Fredrik realised what he did omg_

_Anyway I hope you liked the gifset and that it wasn’t too much, I just loved this chapter and want you to know how much I appreciate you and it. Takk. - Even_

Isak closed his email browser. Fuck.  
  
Maybe Jonas was right, he thought. Maybe he could do this.

For Even?

Fuck, what would Even even think of it?

He picked up his phone and opened the snapchat app, angling the camera so that it focused on just his chest, the low collar of the grey t-shirt exposing his stupid pale neck.

With one hand over his heart, he snapped a photo, tapping in a caption before he could think better of it.

_Takk to everyone who sent me nice messages about Go Forth today <3 _

He didn't let himself stew about it.  
**  
** Isak opened the Tumblr app, and pressed ‘post.’ 

 


	2. add to contacts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was startled, nearly falling off the bed, when the app began to ring. Even was skyping him? Already?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me a while to post this!
> 
> Thanks to everyone for their input and support with this chapter, especially my girl annematique for helping me keep these tumblrs going, and colazitron for your enthusiastic embrace of the concept. Thanks, too, to Kate, for looking over this chapter to give me some fresh perspective, and to diamondjacket for your encouragement at the final hurdle. My gc girls, as ever, are the world's best cheerleaders, and I'm totally in their debt. (Oh, and Chrissy and desert: thanks times a zillion for the morning nuts.)
> 
> Don't forget, you guys can also send asks/tag the boys in stuff to add to the multimedia content. I don't write any of the asks to myself, and answering them is one of the most fun parts of this whole thing.
> 
> Isak: [imilluminatii](http://imilluminatii.tumblr.com)  
> Even: [bl0ndelvis](http://bl0ndelvis.tumblr.com)

-

Isak didn’t know what he expected to wake up to. A comment from Even, perhaps. A like, at the very least.

He got both of those things, but they didn’t seem important.

Overnight, everything had blown up.

There were thirty new comment notifications in his email inbox, and about as many angry anon asks in his tumblr inbox. When he checked his notifications, he saw why: Even had reblogged and replied to one of yesterday’s anons, someone who had taken exception to the bottom Fredrik scene… and it was all over Isak’s dashboard.

Isak read [Even’s post](https://bl0ndelvis.tumblr.com/post/159635591815/my-favorite-part-about-that-cabin-scene-though-is) and couldn’t help but be surprised by it. It was pretty over the top, and kind of aggressive… like Even was really worked up over the whole thing. Isak was kind of surprised by his reaction, because he hadn’t even talked to Even about it. He definitely hadn’t asked Even to defend him. All he’d been thinking about was sending that selfie, and how Even might react.

Isak had been sort of uncomfortable with the initial asks about the top/bottom discourse, but he’d tried to brush them off. The truth was, he was writing a fic from Tobias’s POV, and he hadn’t wanted to write about how it felt to get fucked. It was as simple as that.

Maybe that was his own hangup. He could write easily enough about how it felt to fuck somebody, just by imagining that warm pressure on his own dick… but imagining being fucked? It made something hot and shameful stir in his belly. He knew he shouldn’t feel that way, but he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t ready to think about it. Even having to imagine it in any detail was a lot.

On top of that: he hadn’t wanted people extrapolating anything about his own sexual preferences from how he wrote it--especially when he hardly knew them himself. Unfortunately, now, looking at some of his anons… that was exactly what some people were doing it. Making it personal.

Isak replied to some of the anons, at first, but that only seemed to encourage the messages. At around 11:00 Isak gave up, slamming his laptop shut in frustration. He’d gotten into fandom to escape the very real, very uncomfortable drama in his real life: Jonas, Eva, his mother, his sexuality crisis. All he wanted to do was write fanfiction.

When Jonas texted him at noon saying _skatepark?_ Isak couldn’t get out of the apartment fast enough.

-

When he got to the park, Jonas and Eve were already there--Eva sitting on her usual bench, tapping away at her phone, while Jonas messed around with a couple of the regulars. As Isak approached Eva, Jonas rolled up next to him, casually bumping into him in greeting.

Isak couldn’t help smiling.

“Hey, Jonas.”

“Hey,” Jonas said, getting off his board to collapse onto the bench next to Eva. He slung an arm around her shoulder, and she burrowed into him without a thought, still not looking up.

 _Third wheeling again_ , Isak thought, almost out of habit.

“Finally left the cave?” Jonas teased, and Isak shook his head in mock outrage.

“Uh, my room is _super_ tidy, thank you very much.”

It was a longstanding joke, and Isak 100% blamed Eskild for telling Jonas about his little nicknames for Isak’s bedroom. Jonas rolled his eyes at Isak’s response.

“Bro, you’re just lucky Eskild and Linn like you so much. Your room is gross.”

“It really is.” Eva chimed in, finally looking up from her phone. As usual, she had a Tumblr chat open with Chris. “Hey Isak. Sorry, rec blog stuff. Noora just completed her fic.”

“It’s cool,” he said, taking a seat to her other side. He’d learned already not to try asking about the rec blog, because Chris was _still_ angling to get him to join.

He did _not_ want that responsibility in his life. He’d rather keep his 6s, thanks.

Eva turned in Jonas’s arms to face Isak.

“I’m glad you’re finally here. Now I can talk about your fic and not have to pretend to like skateboarding.”

Jonas’s muted _hey_ was lost under Isak’s groan and Eva’s giggles.

“Oh my God, I’m not talking about that in public,” Isak said weakly. It was an old argument, and one that Isak was likely to lose. They’d planned many a fluffy oneshot together on that very bench.

“We’ll see,” Eva said, her eyes twinkling. “But you’re coming over on Wednesday, right? For the episode?”

“Yes,” Isak promised--because of course he was. The two-week hiatus was finally ending, and they only had four more episodes left of Tobias’s season. He needed someone to deconstruct it with.

Across the skate park, one of the regulars pulled off a heel flip, finding his balance again at the last possible moment. Jonas whooped, getting back to his feet and grinning at his friends.

Eva rolled her eyes, shooing him away… and Isak felt dread churn in his belly as she turned back to look at him, her gaze going apprehensive.

There was no way Eva hadn’t seen the posts.

“So. Ehm. I saw that thing by Even.”

Of course she had.

“Yeah?” Isak said, toying with the strings on his hoodie. He hoped Eva wasn’t about to try to give him some ‘ignore the trolls’ peptalk.

To his surprise, she took it in a different direction.

“Yeah. I didn’t know you two were that close.”

“We’re not, really.”

“He was pretty defensive, though,” she said, and something about her tone had Isak shaking his head pretty fast.

“Oh, fuck. Jonas got to you too, didn’t he?”

“No!” She said too fast, but the glint in her eye said otherwise.

“Eva,” he warned, and she sighed, smiling like _oops. Caught me._

“Well. Maybe. But come on,” she said, the excitement clear in her voice, “you two would be so cute together!”

“Fucking hell,” Isak said again, because he knew what she was going to say next.

_“I ship it.”_

“Oh my God. No,” he said, shaking his head emphatically. “No. No.”

“Have you thanked him, though? For being your knight in shining armour?”

Isak rolled his eyes. He didn’t even want to _touch_ that expression.

“I don’t even want to look at Tumblr right now,” he said, realizing after he said it that it had come out a little too bitter. “It’s too much.”

“What do you mean?”

With a sigh, Isak opened his Tumblr app, and passed her his phone.

Eva scrolled through the messages silently, her face twisting into a bigger frown the more she read through.

“Fucking hell, Isak.” She handed his phone back and he shoved it in his pocket, avoiding her gaze.

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” she said slowly. “So... we should turn off all your asks for a while.”

“I did, Isak admitted. “And comments on the fic. But Even’s post is all over my dashboard.”

Eva reached out and put an arm around him, and he let her pull him into a hug. Her long hair tickled his cheek as he hugged her back.

“That’s shitty,” she said as she pulled away. Her frown matched Isak’s own. “I blame the fucking hiatus.”

“I just… it’s drama.”

“Yeah,” Eva said, looking back to the skatepark. Jonas was laughing with one of the other guys at the top of the bowl, as one of his friends faceplanted on the ground. “Fucking drama.”

Isak couldn’t help but think they were both remembering the same thing. Last year, how Isak and his _drama_ had so nearly ruined everything. Before fandom had saved both him and Eva both. This, this fandom wank--it was nothing compared to last year.

Even now, sometimes--like, as the wind blew through Jonas’s hair and he laughed big and loud--Isak felt those old stirrings of his crush rearing their ugly head. But it was better. Things were like they were meant to be. When he looked at Eva, it was as clear as day that Jonas had found the right person, and Isak couldn’t be anything but glad for them. For her, as much as for Jonas, really. Eva still looked at Jonas like he hung the moon, but she was her own person, now. Having a voice in fandom had shown her who she wanted to be.

It had done the same for Isak.

One day he’d just been a lonely boy who was trying not to sabotage the only good relationships in his life with his feelings; trying not to explode from keeping them all bottled up inside. Now, though, he has a whole support system of people who won’t judge him. Magnus, whose mother is also mentally ill and knows what that’s like. Mahdi, who is calm and chill and is literally always there, if Isak needs anything at all. Sana, who took him under her wing when he started writing to show him how to re-examine his assumptions.

Even the people he didn’t have close friendships with--Chris, Vilde, Noora, and the ‘here one moment gone the next’ PWP-writing enigma that was _penetrator_c_ \--had made him feel good, like he was part of something bigger than just himself and his issues.

And then, of course, there was Even. Even, whose videos had made Isak laugh and cry in equal measure, who now tagged him in posts and made him gifsets for his fic.

Fandom made Isak so happy. He didn’t want to ruin that.

-

When he got back from the skatepark, he opened up a new Google doc and sat there for a while, staring at the blank space. After a few fruitless minutes of typing Fredrik’s name over and over, he swore and closed the tab.

He opened up Tumblr, queued up some posts, and then... closed it again. There were still messages in his inbox that he hadn’t read--and private messages, too. He didn’t doubt most of them were supportive, but the thought of checking them all and replying to anyone… nope.

He finished reading Noora’s fic, and left her a stilted but sincere compliment on her final scene. She’d been writing Fredrik/Tobias longer than almost anybody else in the fandom--the perks of being a Swedish fan in the fandom before it blew up, and her characterization was absolutely perfect.

As he left his comment, though, he saw an unkind message above--this one berating Noora for writing bottom _Tobias_. Like she always had.

Isak frowned, and closed the tab. Reading fic was out of the question today too, it seemed.

There was only one thing that might make him feel better in this situation: Youtube.

Even’s Youtube, specifically. Isak shut his bedroom door tight, lest Eskild arrive home suddenly and want to socialize. With embarrassing ease, he queued up the ‘Even’s videos’ playlist from his viewing history, put on his headphones, and settled in for a long afternoon.

-

A weekend without fandom felt like a weirdly long weekend: just Isak, and Eskild’s Sunday reality TV catchup session, and Linn playing video games with him before he got a headache and went back to sleep.

When Isak got back online, it felt like he’d been gone forever.

Of all things to bring him crawling back to Tumblr, Isak got an email on Monday night from Magnus with notes on the latest chapter of Go Forth. Isak was always one ahead of the chapter he posted, and usually that was fine, but this time he was apprehensive. He might have written this one differently, if he’d had to try writing it after the latest feedback.

Magnus seemed to like the chapter… but Magnus always did. Isak signed in to Tumblr to make it easier to chat.

Magnus was online, as usual, and having an oddly public exchange with Vilde about… cats. Of all things. Isak shook his head, because he wasn’t even surprised anymore. One of these days he was going to wake up to a fluffy kitten transformation story in the Tobrik tag, he just knew it.

 _Magnus should just tell Vilde he likes her_ , Isak thought. They both lived in Germany, at least, so maybe… Isak stopped himself there. He was in no position to be saying someone should approach their crush with their feelings.

 **Imilluminatii** ****  
Got your email  
Thanks Mags this is so great  
But lol why is this colour coded

 **reggismeggis  
** Oh sorry that’s how I read  
I forgot to undo it

 **imilluminatii  
** _[imilluminatii has sent a photo]  
_ Why is this section pink?

 **reggismeggis  
** hehe pink is for porn.

 **Imilluminatii  
** Lolllll  
But there’s more porn in the last scene too and that’s purple

 **reggismeggis  
** Purple is porn that makes you *feel* things

 **imilluminatii  
** Feel things?  
Um  
what do you mean

 **reggismeggis  
** Like emotionally

 **imilluminatii  
** ???  
Actually I take that back  
I don’t need to know

 **reggismeggis  
** Lol  
But anyway  
Oh shit dude  
Did I tell you I read a fic last night where a guy put his tongue in Tobias’s asshole

Isak had to stop and read that message twice.  
  


 **imilluminatii  
** WHAT  
Why are you telling me this

 **Reggismeggis  
** I was wondering  
Is that a thing????

 **imilluminatii  
** What, rimming?!

 **reggismeggis  
** Is that what you call it

 **imilluminatii  
** Fucking hell  
Have you never read it before?

 **reggismeggis  
** lol nope  
I was so surprised!  
Not in a bad way lol it was really hot

 **imilluminatii  
** jesus

 **reggismeggis  
** like who knew licking there was so hot  
It’s an asshole  
wait there’s a rimming tag on ao3 lol  
okay brb

 **imilluminatii  
** Fucking hell, Magnus  
Talk to you later then

He scrolled through his dash tentatively, reblogging a few things, then braced himself for his inbox. Deleting the nasty messages, he made an effort to reply to the few nice ones in between. Once he was done deleting, he didn’t feel much better. He hoped that would change.

At the very least, his absence had prevented anyone from fueling the fire, and when Isak checked Even’s page, he was surprised to see that things looked normal there, too.

There was an[ apology](https://bl0ndelvis.tumblr.com/post/159748914220/i-usually-like-your-stuff-but-your-reblog-of), halfway down the page, for his earlier post, and it seemed like it might have got some traction, but Isak was surprised that it hadn’t escalated more.

Clicking back onto his dashboard, Isak suddenly saw what might have got the fandom’s attention instead.

 

 **baby, break a sweat** by **penetrator_c** for **mohning141**

Fandoms: Minute by Minute (TV)  
Rating: Explicit  
Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings  
Category: M/M, M/F  
Tags: Fredrik Liljestrand/Tobias Allvin, Fredrik Liljestrand/Tobias Allvin/Calle Arvidsson, Calle Arvidsson/Maja Bäckström,  
hall pass, anal sex, threesome, rimming, shotgunning, PWP, blowjobs, flip fuck, everyone has a good time ;)

Sometimes when Calle is fucking Maja, he thinks about someone else. Or, well. Not some _one_. Maja gives him a hall pass.

 -  
  


Isak opened the fic and skimmed it, and… fuck. _Penetrator_c_ had done it again, whoever and whereever he was. American, maybe, from the timestamp. Isak didn’t even care that it had that fuckboy Calle in it: it was pure gold, steamy as fuck, and Isak absolutely could not wait to read it. He bookmarked it, then clicked back to his emails to make sure none of his other WIPs had updated first.

An email in his junk folder, however, stopped him right in his tracks.

How long had that been there?

 

 **To:** imilluminatii99@gmail.com   
**From:** ebnaes@hil.no  
**Subject:** Miss you

Hey, this is Even (bl0ndelvis)

Your friend mohning141 sent me a message about why you haven’t been replying on Tumblr and gave me your email, I hope that’s chill. You probably didn’t see but I apologized for my post, so hopefully things will die down for you soon.

If you still want to talk maybe we could Skype or something? I’m bl0ndelvis on there too if you want to find me.

\- Even

 

Isak’s heart sped up, and he put all thoughts of _penetrator_ ’s fic out of his mind. He didn’t even check when Even’s message had been sent--just went straight to Skype, registering for a new account under _imilluminatii._ He tapped his foot impatiently as the page loaded, and clicked aggressively through the tutorial before quickly typing Even’s handle into the ‘add contacts’ bar.

He didn't hesitate to press ‘add’, but he immediately began to second guess himself. It only took five minutes for Even to accept him as a contact--so Isak should have felt good about it--but once he did, Isak didn’t exactly feel calmer.

He was startled, nearly falling off the bed, when the app began to ring.

Even was actually Skyping him? Already?

Isak hastily pressed ‘answer,’ then panicked as Even’s voice came through and he realized his own video was initializing.

The screen loaded, and there Even was. Looking like he did in all those photos Isak secretly had stored in a Google Drive.

Gorgeous.

“Hey,” Even said, and Isak scrambled to turn his own video off before his end loaded.

“I--shit. Sorry.”

Even laughed, and Isak watched his eyes crinkle up into a smile.

Fuck, this was going to be a bad idea.

“It’s chill,” Even said, running a hand through his hair. “What are you doing over there?”

“Uh, nothing.” Isak cleared his throat. Suddenly he was very conscious of his voice. “I just didn’t realize you wanted to video chat.”

“Oh, I can turn mine off if you want?”

“Uh, no. It’s chill. It’s just… uh. Weird.”

“It’s fine if you don’t want to turn yours on,” Even assured him. He twisted his mouth into a smirk that had Isak’s eyes widening... Fucking hell, this boy was attractive. “I already saw your collarbone selfie anyway.”

Isak felt himself blushing. From where he sat on his bed, he eyed his open bedroom door. He only hoped that Eskild wouldn’t be home anytime soon.

“Collarbone selfie?”

“What else should I call it?”

“It was my hand on my heart,” Isak protested. Somewhat feebly. “It wasn’t a picture of my collarbone.”

“I think it was. And it was a very nice collarbone.”

“Ugh, well.”

Isak didn’t even know what to say to that.

On the screen, Even leaned back in his desk chair, looking amused. Isak said nothing more, focusing instead on the room behind him.

Even’s room was nothing much to write home about--the usual bland student accommodation. Isak wasn’t surprised to see movie posters and drawings taped to the walls, though, or by the messy unmade bed to Even’s left.

He had a blue duvet set. That was information that Isak knew would come back to haunt him later.

“Is this really weird for you?” Even said, and Isak’s eyes flickered back to his face. Although Even couldn’t see him, Isak frowned, wondering at the unreadable expression Even was now sporting.

“Talking to you? I don't know. It’s not _that_ weird.”

“Immy...”

“Fuck.” Isak interrupted, because that sounded _really_ strange. Hearing that out loud. “Well, maybe _that_ ’s a bit weird.”

“What?”

“Immy,” Isak said, trying the name out on his own tongue. “Nobody has ever called me that to my face before. I don’t usually use Skype.”

Even smiled again.

“See, you could just tell me your real name.”

Isak made a sound that he was fairly sure was incomprehensible.

He really liked Even, but that was scary. It wasn’t even that he didn’t trust Even… but it was a big step. It broke all Isak’s rules.

He wanted to tell him. But he also wanted to protect himself. But--

“Hey, it’s chill. You can be private if you need to be,” Even said, concern now taking over his face.

Isak breathed out slowly, murmuring his gratitude.

“Thanks.”

Quiet for a moment, Even leaned back in his chair, and ran a hand through his gravity-defying hair. A single lock dropped down onto his forehead.

The webcam quality wasn’t perfect, but: God, he was beautiful. Isak couldn’t take his eyes off of Even as he looked to the side for a moment, the pale profile of his cheek making Isak’s heart race.

Before he could even think about it, he was reaching out and pressing the buttons, wincing as the obnoxious shutter noise played over his laptop speakers.

Even paused, then grinned, eyes going directly to the camera.

“Did you just take a screenshot?”

Oh, fuck.

“What?” Even couldn’t even see Isak, but he shook his head, blushing. Fuck, he couldn’t believe he’d done that. “No!”

“It kinda sounded like you did.”

“No, oh my God,” Isak said, then bravadoed it out spectacularly unconvincingly. “You didn’t hear anything.”

“I could just send you pictures, if you want.” Even joked, his tone laden with innuendo.

Isak nearly choked. He said something out loud, but it was the verbal equivalent of _asdfghjkl_ , and Even just laughed, his eyes crinkling attractively.

“You know, you’re not like I expected,” he said then, causing Isak to narrow his eyes.

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t mean in a bad way,” Even continued, like he was reading Isak’s tone. “But online you’re so… open?”

Isak still wasn’t sure that was a compliment.

“I guess.”

“You type ‘lol’ and ‘haha’ a lot,” Even explained. “And you use a lot of smileys on messenger. But you were right. You do sound a bit grumpy, really.”

“I’m not _grumpy_ ,” Isak grumbled. “I’m just… I don’t know.”

“Shy?”

“Maybe.” Isak thought about it for a moment, because that wasn’t quite right, either. “People aren’t usually like they are online in real life, are they?”

“I think I am,” Even said, tilting his head to the side.

“Yeah?”

Isak wasn’t surprised to hear him say that, actually. If he were Even, he would never pretend to be anything else, either.

“Like, my online self is just a bigger and more truthful version of my real self. Even-plus.”

“Even extra,” Isak joked, and smiled as he saw Even’s grin grow bigger. “I can see that.”

“Do you think you’re really that different online?” Even asked. There was no judgment on his face, just curiosity. It made Isak feel like he could say anything.

“I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like who I am in reality is just... fake.”

“Fake how?”

“Like, I don’t know. In real life I feel like I can’t be honest about what I like.”

“Boys?”

Well. Yeah, if Isak was being honest. But that wasn’t really all he meant. It was more like--

“Boys, and music, and school stuff, and TV shows. But… Like, I’m out to my roommates and a couple of my friends. But I could only come out to them because of Tumblr.”

“How did you come out to Jonas?” Even asked.

And that was a good question.

 _Because I fell for him_ , Isak nearly said. He held his tongue, though--Even was the last person he wanted to tell that story to. He still regretted his behaviour back then. Isak had stopped before he’d gone too far, and finally told Eva the real reason Jonas and Ingrid were talking... but he felt ashamed, thinking about what he’d nearly pushed them into. Jonas had been angry at Isak for telling Eva about the weed, and at Eva for not trusting him, and soon after, they’d started watching the show, and it had been something that brought them together. Something that helped all of them.

“Uh. I actually made some posts on Tumblr and he kind of figured it out and asked me.”

“They weren’t about him, were they?”

“No! No. Definitely not.”

And they really hadn’t been. When Isak had first got a Tumblr and started reblogging pictures of Niclas Johansson’s face, he’d tried to play it off as liking the character. It was only after one night, in the midst of the Jonas/Eva debacle, when Isak made a few drunken reblogs--one of which had the infamous ‘jeg er so fucking gay’ tag that he still uses today--that Jonas and Eva had sat him down to talk about it.

It had been the most painful conversation of his life. And when Jonas had asked Isak if he had feelings for him… Isak had lied, and said no.

What was one more lie, after all those he’d already told the two of them?

“He’s a good looking guy, though,” Even teased, and Isak huffed out a laugh, because he wasn’t going to deny it.

“Yeah.”

They sat there for another moment in silence, comfortable this time, before Even suddenly lurched for his phone.

“Shit,” Even said, checking the screen and raising his eyebrows. “Shit, I forgot I have to be somewhere.”

Isak’s spirits sank, but Even hastily set him right again..

“I know, I’m so bad at scheduling. But we will talk again, right?”

“Sure, Even,” Isak said, and was rewarded by the widest smile. “Have a good night,” he tried, softly, just to see Even’s face stay that way a second longer.

“Goodnight then, Immy,” Even said, equally softly, and Isak redundantly echoed his _goodnight_ once more before Even ended the call.

Suddenly the room was quiet again, and Isak let out a slow exhale. _Immy_ rang in his ears, like an ugly lie between them. In that moment--in the same burst of inspiration that had caused him to post that selfie--he decided he wanted nothing more to be brave and real, the way Even was.

He pulled out his phone.  


**imilluminatii  
** Hey, Even?  
  
No reply came, but that was okay.

 **imilluminatii  
** It’s Isak.  
My name is Isak. :)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on tumblr at [towonderland72](http://towonderland72.tumblr.com)! I also now have an official twitter account, @kittpurrson, if you would like to talk to me there rather than just about me ;)


	3. hiatus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bl0ndelvis  
> So... why are you awake?
> 
> imilluminatii  
> i can’t sleep  
> the usual

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm returning to this fic. I'm sorry if anyone was disappointed that it took a while, but with all the negativity around it I needed to get my head straight and think for a bit.
> 
> The tumblrs will start running again, but be aware that the fic is now quite noticeably behind them in terms of chronology. Hopefully we'll catch up soon enough!

 

_God morgen, Isak :)_

The message Isak awoke to on Monday made him smile so broadly that he was almost embarrassed when he caught sight of his face in the bathroom mirror.

Maybe it had been a risky, spur-of-the-moment move, giving Even his real name, but Isak didn’t regret doing it. All he could think about was when they were going to Skype again--when he was going to hear his real name tripping from Even’s mouth. It was more exciting, almost, than the buildup to the new episode... Which, admittedly, he was also pretty damn pumped for.

He was so excited for the episode that even in biology, which was usually his favourite class, he found himself drifting off into a daydream. An involved daydream, in which Tobias turned up to Fredrik’s fancy dinner in a borrowed suit and got swept around the ballroom, a la Brian and Justin at prom. (He’d just watched Queer as Folk a few months before, okay, after seeing Even blog about it, and he had to admit, it had given him a lot of ideas.)

Go Forth, actually, had been started the night after he finished watching the scene where Brian finally said “I love you.” The title, of course, had come from Tobias’s canon misremembering of a Robert Frost poem… sometimes MxM could be too ‘profound’ for its own good. But Isak had started off with wanting to write something epic, something in line with that moment Brian and Justin kissed with ash on their faces in front of the rubble.

Tobrik hadn’t had a moment like that yet--just mostly quiet, mundane moments that clutched at Isak’s heart, as they moved from friendship to something more… but he was hopeful about the new episode. He could feel it; something epic was going to happen. 

He got all caught up in imagining it, but thankfully, his biology partner, Julian, barely seemed to notice. He was too busy talking _at_ Isak rather than to him. As usual.

Julian was probably a decent guy, deep down, but all he seemed to talk about was how much money he had and how awesome he was at things Isak didn’t really give a shit about, like cooking. And sailing. Maybe Isak was supposed to be impressed by it, but he wasn’t. He just thought Julian was kind of a dick.

When his phone vibrated, he was more than happy to shoot Julian an apologetic look and check it.

It wasn’t Even, but Isak tried to tamp down the disappointment. His own _gd morgen Even_ hadn’t been a particularly inspiring response, after all... But he’d really been trying not to come across too eager.

The message was actually from Sana, so Isak opened it anyway. He and Sana talked one on one only rarely before, but over the hiatus they’d definitely grown strangely closer. He didn’t really know how, or why, but she seemed to have decided he was a friend.

He was kind of touched by it.

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** Two days Imogen  
are you freaking out yet

 

With a sidewards glance at Julian, who now seemed to be looking at his textbook, Isak typed a reply.

 

 **imilluminatii  
** Haha yisssssss  
fuck yeah  
get excited sanasol :)

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** This is my excited voice  
:)

 **imilluminatii  
** lol  
What’s the mood like in Sweden right now

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** Everyone is losing their shit  
Jodel is full of it  
Did you see those girls snuck into a physics lecture to meet jakob

 **imilluminatii  
** Whaaaat

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** Yes  
This is the danger of casting real Uppsala students 

 **imilluminatii  
** Shit

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** Noora says it happens all the time, there’s an instagram dedicated to candid pics of him

 **imilluminatii  
** Woah  
Now I’m not hyped anymore I’m just sad

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** This never happened in s1 and 2  
These new fans smh

**imilluminatii**

**  
**I’m a ‘new fan’

**starinthrumyrearview**

Lol  
You’re a fandom baby, deal with it  
You’re okay  
Anyway  
You’ll never guess what I’m doing today

**[starinthrumyrearview has sent a post]**

> **purrfectlypink  
>  ** Today I am on a train to meet the totally cool @starinthrumyrearview <3 !!  

**imilluminatii  
** Hahahaha wtf omg  
Vilde!?!?  
I thought you weren’t friends

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** I don’t know why you always say that  
She said some things she shouldn’t have and I called her out...  
But we’re not _not_ friends

 **imilluminatii  
** Ok?? lol sorry  
But why

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** Why is she visiting me?  
She’s in Göteborg for a couple of days so I said we could get coffee when I’m done with lectures

 

Sometimes Isak forgot that Sana was older than him. And that, somehow, Vilde was too. In fandom, everyone sort of felt the same age, to him. He still remembered how weird it was to find out that Mahdi was already 22, and that Noora was 25.

 

 **imilluminatii  
** Lol okay?  
Well.  
Good luck sanasol <3

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** Takk <3

 **imilluminatii  
** Omg and ask her about Magnus haha

 

 

Sana replied with a peace emoji, so Isak figured that was the conversation done. Just as he was contemplating checking his emails, Julian let out a long-suffering sigh next to him.

With a false smile, Isak finally turned his attention back to him.

“Girlfriend stuff?” Julian asked, snidely.

“Uh, no,” Isak said, trying not to laugh at the very thought. “What? I’m not dating anybody.”

“You’re always on your phone,” Julian replied, and Isak shrugged.

“Just Facebook,” he said. “Insta. You know.”

The smile on Julian’s face was a bit strange, but Isak didn’t dwell on it.

Two more days to go. Two more days.

\--

When Isak got in that night--after a spontaneous kebab with Jonas--he found Eskild snuggled up on the sofa with a dark-haired boy, watching a movie in English with... Were those French subtitles? Isak stared for a second as Eskild winked, then retreated to his own room to lie down and work off the food coma.

He needed to stop ordering fries on top of the kebab. It was always too good to not finish, and then he ended up like this.

As he lay there, stuffed and warm, he scrolled through his tumblr dash.

A set of selfies near the top gave him pause.

Sana’s face grinned out at him, a pop of bright pink lipstick on her mouth that Isak couldn’t imagine her owning, and sparkles of silver glitter adorning her cheeks. Next to her, Vilde stared down the camera, mock-serious, her eyes heavily lined with black and a dark purple stain to her lips. The other photos were much the same--Sana and Vilde joking around, looking for all the world like they’d been best friends for years.

 

 **purrfectly pink  
** [image]  
flawless with @starinthrumyrearview  
_#powerduo #bffs #älskardiggirl #hihihi #wasthatright_

 

He opened up his chat with Sana, and sent her a link to the post.

  

 **imilluminatii  
** It went well then?

 

Sana’s response was immediate. 

 

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** You know, I think we were wrong about Vilde 

**imilluminatii**

 

Who are you and what did you do with Sana 

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** Shut up <3  
I see her completely differently now. I get it.  
We’re going to be friends. 

 **imilluminatii  
** Wow  
So you’re replacing me with Vilde then? 

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** awww  
Nobody could replace you imogen  
  
I’m gonna make a new chat and invite her  
Is that okay? 

 **imilluminatii  
** :)  
Umm  
yeah okay  
But can we keep the old one too?

 

Isak didn’t want to say it, but he felt like he might need the old chat, if Vilde got to be too much.

Something else occurred to him.

  

 **imilluminati  
** Could we maybe also invite Even?

 

Sana’s response was slow to come, but when it did, Isak groaned. A bunch of winking emojis. Did _everybody_ know about his dumb crush? 

Before he could type back _hahaha fuck you_ Sana replied again, and Isak forced himself to let it go.

 

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** Of course. The more the merrier.

 

Isak smiled to himself, glad nobody else was around to see.

 

-

 

The night was pretty much the same as any other night in Isak’s life. No matter how long he lay there, sleep eluded him. He stared up at the ceiling, listening to the muffled sound of nineties power ballads coming through the wall--and there was something soothing about it, hearing music from another room, even if he knew it was just to mask the sound of Eskild getting lucky.

There was something about the music, the only sound but for his own breathing, that made Isak feel like he was a character in a movie. Like the whole world was just him, and the ceiling, and this was the montage of him tossing and turning through his inner torment.

Except: he didn’t have inner torment. He just couldn’t fucking sleep.

There was nothing actually wrong with his life. He was out to Jonas and Eva and Eskild, he had his online friends, he got good grades…

Sure, he hadn’t spoken to his mother in a few weeks. He felt guilty about that, but she refused to get help, and his father wanted to pretend nothing was wrong. And sure, he wasn’t out at school, but Elias’s behaviour the year before, the aggression in his eyes when he teased Isak for being a ‘fag’, it was enough to have Isak locking the closet door in front of him, living in the dark there with only his phone screen to escape into…

Well. That metaphor was getting away from him.

Point was: Isak couldn’t sleep, and he didn’t know why.

When the clock finally hit 02:00, he opened up his laptop again, and settled in to write. As he opened his Tumblr, though, he had a thought. On a whim, he opened his chat with Even, and typed a message to him in Norwegian.

 

 **imilluminatii  
** Hey Even  
Sana wants to make a group chat on kik with Vilde and some others  
Would you be interested?

 

He returned to Go Forth, not expecting a response any time soon, but was surprised when his phone lit up with a new notification.

 

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Hmm  
I don’t know  
Are you in it?

  **imilluminatii  
** Obviously

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Then I’ll try it  
I can’t promise I’ll talk much  
I don’t really like instant messaging

 **imilluminatii  
** What?!  
We talk like this all the time 

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Only because we weren’t friends on Skype ;)  
No, one one one is okay  
Groups are a bit more intimidating  
hard to keep up 

 **imilluminatii  
** Okay  
You don’t have to 

 **bl0ndelvis  
** I want to   
Thank you for asking, Isak :) 

 **imilluminatii  
** Of course :)

 

Isak thought that was it, for a moment, as Even’s replies stopped coming. He was just contemplating giving up and tackling his new chapter when another message came through, and he almost dropped his phone on his face in surprise.

 

 **bl0ndelvis  
** how were the anons today? 

 

Ugh. That.

 

 **imilluminatii  
** Died down I think  
I turned it back on this morning

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Wow  
brave

 **imilluminatii  
** I like talking to anons  
I don’t wanna stop that just because some people are assholes

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Well I hope you get nice ones tomorrow then  
How was your weekend?

 **imilluminatii  
** Me too  
Ugh, the usual  
Over too soon  
But at least the hiatus is nearly finished

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Lol I know that feeling  
I’ve just been making edits and trying to stay chill lol

 **imilluminatii  
** A new video?!

 **bl0ndelvis  
** No but I just made this

 **imilluminatii  
** I don’t know if I said this before but I really loved the edit you made for Go Forth.

 

> **[bl0ndelvis shared a post]  
>  ** [Minute by Minute mains' bedrooms](https://bl0ndelvis.tumblr.com/post/160147052755/minute-by-minute-mains-bedrooms-if-youre-gonna)

**imilluminatii  
** !!!!!!  
That quote  
Fuck

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Thanks :) about this and the GF edit  
Yeah I saw it and couldn’t help it  
Like it made me think of that scene

 **imilluminatii  
** In 3x04??! The parallels with Malin in 2x05 fuck

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Yeah they really got to me

 **imilluminatii  
** Sometimes I miss season 2

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Me too  
It was the reason I started blogging about the show  
Obviously

 **imilluminatii  
** Is it accurate? Like, people say it is, but I wondered what you thought  
About her being bipolar  
Like we didn’t know until like episode 6 when she got diagnosed

 **bl0ndelvis  
** I mean  
Fuck.  
Yeah, it was so hard to watch.  
Because it felt so real?  
I didn’t know for sure until episode 6 it would be bipolar for definite but I saw a lot of myself in her, and like even the cinematography when she was dissociating was so amazing.  
It made me feel less alone.  Just.  
When she was just looking at the camera at the end, sitting on her bed and depressed, I was just kind of crying  
It was like she was saying it to me  
You’re not alone.

  

Isak felt tears prickle at the corners of his eyes, and squeezed them tight.

The thing was, even without knowing what was up with Malin, Isak had seen a lot of himself in her. He’d watched her season just before he’d moved out of his parents’ house, when he was feeling self-destructive and alone and feeling eaten up inside by this secret he’d been carrying. Two days after he’d gotten blackout drunk and accidentally outed himself on Tumblr, the scene with Malin on her bed had aired.

Just her, and the camera, and the world around her completely out of focus as she cried and cried until she couldn’t cry anymore, until she finally picked herself up, sat forward, looked up at the camera like she had cried herself empty. And then she’d taken this deep breath, and the music had started to play, and Isak had cried too, because it felt like he’d witnessed something so deeply familiar to him--this lonely ritual of grief that felt so completely isolating.

It was still shocking to him, to know that other people really felt that way, too.

 

 **imilluminatii  
**... Wow

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Sorry

 **imilluminatii  
** What no

 **bl0ndelvis  
** I know I get a bit carried away talking about this

 **imilluminatii  
** No, don’t be sorry  
It’s so amazing to hear  
I don’t even know where to start

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Yeah?

 **imilluminatii  
** Yeah

  

The chat went quiet for a few minutes, and Isak worried that maybe that got a little too serious too quickly. Then, just as he was about to send another message, Even changed the subject.

 

 **bl0ndelvis  
** So... why are you awake?

 **imilluminatii  
** i can’t sleep   
the usual

 

Isak waited for a moment, then typed again.

 

 **imilluminatii  
** you?

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Sleep is the cousin of death

 **imilluminatii  
**???

 **bl0ndelvis  
** nvm   
I can’t either  
I was actually going to rewatch season 2

 **imilluminatii  
** Good plan 

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Do you wanna Skype? Watch together?

 

Isak nearly keysmashed in his enthusiasm to reply. Did he want to Skype with Even again? Fuck, he’d watch paint dry over Skype with him if he could.

 

 **imilluminatii  
** Yeah fuck  
Definitely :)

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Awesome :)

 **imilluminatii  
** :)

 

-

 

Isak’s Skype started ringing almost the second he logged in, and he accepted Even’s invitation carefully this time, making sure not to show himself on screen. For a second, he felt a little silly doing it, but shook off the thought.

He was careful for a reason. He wasn’t going to let himself get sloppy now.

“Halla,” Even’s voice came through his headphones loud and clear, and Isak smiled as Even’s face scrunched adorably. “Is that Celine Dion?”

What the hell was he talking about?

“The music,” Even prompted, his voice amused. “It sounds like ‘My Heart Will Go On.’”

Isak realised, then, that Eskild’s music was still playing. Which--okay, that was impressive, even for Eskild, to still be going this late. But Isak was honestly used to just tuning it out at this point.

He shrugged, and Even’s eyes widened.

“From Titanic? Tell me you’ve seen Titanic.”

“Of course I’ve seen Titanic,” Isak rolled his eyes, amused by Even’s concerned face. “And yes, he definitely could have fit on the door at the end.”

Even sighed in mock relief, and Isak couldn’t help but smile at him. Even was hot when he was being theatrical.  

Or, maybe not _hot._ Because he was hot, like, all the time. But there was something particularly attractive about him when he was goofing around, animated. _Flirty_ , the traitorous voice in Isak’s head provided. 

“Leo was damn good in that movie though,” Even said. “Don’t you think?”

Isak shrugged, and Even raised an eyebrow.

Isak didn’t really want to debate about the acting career of Leonardo DiCaprio, no matter how hot he used to be, so he cleared his throat.

“So, how are we going to do this?” He asked. “Are we gonna watch with the sound off and just have subtitles?”

“Oh, fuck,” Even said, his face falling. “If we’re Skyping, we won’t be able to have the sound on. We’ll miss the music.”

“We could just watch through a chat room with the volume on,” Isak suggested. “Type to each other instead of talking.”

He didn’t like the idea, really, but he didn’t want to make it too obvious.

“No,” Even said. And then, softer, “I want to talk to you, Isak.”

There it was. Isak shivered at the sound of Even saying his name, and Even smiled a bit, like he was pleased to get to say it.

Isak blinked stupidly at his computer screen for a minute, just taking Even in.

“We could Skype on our phones,” Isak suggested. “And watch through a chat room on our laptops so the sound doesn’t get messed up?”

Even’s smile grew wider.

“Well.” His voice was teasing, and Isak loved it. “I assume you’re not going to give me your phone number, but this is close enough.”

Perhaps Isak could have laughed and brushed it off, but he didn’t. Instead, he gathered his courage, and said, in as confident a voice as he could muster:

“Maybe if you’re nice to me.”

Even through the screen, Even’s eyes sparkled.

“I’ll be very nice to you,” he said seriously.

Isak didn’t doubt he meant it.

He and Even hung up a few minutes later to switch to their phones, and Even pressed play on season two. They watched together as Malin isolated herself from her friends--how Vera and Maja and Ingrid tried to make sense of her behaviour, how she lashed out at Tobias. The whole time Even talked to Isak about what it had been like for him, or pointed out funny continuity errors, or let Isak ramble about the hints of Tobias’s home life and all the theories he and Eva had had.

With Even’s voice in his ear, and his favourite show playing in the quiet of his room, Isak couldn’t help but smile. He was warm under his duvet, and around episode four, he found his eyes beginning to flicker shut. His voice started to slur, and he only hummed in response as Even said his name into his ear, gentle and questioning. It was like the nicest dream, like Even was there beside him, like this boy who he had a whole folder of pictures of was lying there intimately close, making Isak feel safe and warm and the opposite of alone.

Before he knew it, he was lulled into a peaceful sleep, phone still pressed against his ear.

 


	4. S3E13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then Tobias looked up to see Fredrik pushing his way through the crowd and Isak and Eva cheered together, wordless yells of excitement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter! I wanted to end it here with the end of the first episode post-hiatus, because time is going to start moving a lot fast from next chapter onwards.
> 
> Any typos are the fault of my poor brain, which has taken a beating from lots of drinking and not much sleeping this week. On the plus side, Oslo Pride was everything. <3

[starinthrumyrearview has added you to the group chat “Ultimate GC”]   
[starinthrumyview has added waffles95 to the conversation.]   
[starinthrumyrearview has added jobrows to the conversation.]   
[starinthrumyrearview has added loglady92 to the conversation.]   
[starinthrumyrearview has added purrfectlypink to the conversation.] 

**starinthrumyrearview  
** Okay.  
You can be all admins as long as you promise not to add anyone we can’t trust.   
Deal?

**purrfectlypink  
** yay so cool! yes i promise hihihi <3   


[starinthrumyrearview has made you an admin of the group“Ultimate MxM Chat”]  
[jobrows has added mohning141 to the conversation.]

**imilluminatii**   
lol

**jobrows**   
;)

[purrfectlypink has added reggismeggis to the conversation.]   
[purrfectlypink has added pilsmanns to the conversation.]  
[you have added bl0ndelvis to the conversation]

**Jobrows**   
lol

**Imilluminatii**   
shut up 

 

\--

 

The day the hiatus ended felt like it lasted a thousand years.

The new group chat was going wild--so wild that Jonas confessed to Isak over lunch that he’d muted his notifications.

“This shit’s already killing my battery enough,” he said, before proceeding to read everything over Eva’s shoulder anyway.

“What are they saying?” Isak asked. There was no point all three of them reading the same chat on their own phones. 

Jonas let out a barking laugh.

“Sana and Vilde should never have met. They’ve become like, masterminds or something.”

Eva rolled her eyes

“I think it’s cute.”

“What are they doing?” Isak asked, curious. Honestly, he was still surprised by their friendship, too.

“Noora says they’re having a big outdoor screening of the finale in Uppsala,” Eva explained, as Jonas pulled a face. “Sana and Vilde think we should all go, have a fandom meet-up.”

“Fandom meet-up?” Isak replied. Maybe he should have worked a bit harder not to sound so incredulous, because Jonas laughed at the expression on Isak’s face. “Isn’t that a bit... sad?” Isak asked, and Eva looked a little offended.

“What, you’re too good for fandom meet-ups?”

Isak looked to Jonas for help, who shrugged as if to say  _ well, she has a point. _

“No.” he said, sighing. “I just--people would know what I look like, and stuff.”

Honestly, that was one of his biggest worries. People taking pictures, and finding out who he was… and yes, he was working at being braver about that stuff, but he still flinched at the idea of photos of him online at a  _ fan meetup  _ for Minute by Minute, of all things. There was something about it that was so… gay. 

Fuck.

He was, of course, gay. But knowing he’d be handing out ammo to all the people who would have a problem with it… thinking about the photos being linked to ‘Immy’ and his gay fanfic and--

Isak shivered.

“You wouldn’t have to tell anyone who you are,” Jonas said. “Bro, you could just say you’re my best friend.”

Isak exhaled slowly. 

“I don’t know, bro,” he said in return. “What--what do the others say?”

Eva smiles at him, then, scrolling back up the chat.

“Chris is just excited to see Jakob Blom in person,” she says with a laugh, and Isak raises his eyebrows.

“Jakob? What, is she gonna go looking for him?”

“Oh, didn’t I mention?” Eva smiled wider now, and Jonas rolled his eyes behind her head. “That’s the coolest part! The whole cast is gonna be there to do a panel after and answer questions!”

“Your boy Niclas will be there,” Jonas said with a wink, and Isak pushed down the growing excitement in his chest. “Just something to think about.”

“Something to think about, Isak echoed, as his best friends exchanged knowing looks. “Fuck you both, Jesus Christ.”

 

 -

 

That night found the three of them on Eva’s sofa, laptop hooked up to the TV in front of them. As Eva and Jonas bickered over whether or not Vera was more suited to Calle than Maja, Isak tuned out the discussion and focused instead on the conversation he was having with Even.

Since the episode started, they’d been sending little messages back and forth. Eva and Jonas didn’t comment on Isak’s focus on his phone instead of them, except to tease him about the little smile on his face the whole time. Isak didn’t even care.

He didn’t always agree with Even’s opinions, but it was so fascinating to hear what he thought--like, when Calle appeared on the screen, to hear why Even disliked him so much (and yes, he was a fuckboy, Isak agreed). When Tobias visited his parents, slipping back into his shell around his gruff father, Even talked about the duller palette of the cinematography at the farm, how it somehow felt more restrictive and stifling. 

When the episode finally rolled around to the night of the awards dinner, both Even and Isak were getting antsy.

 

**bl0ndelvis  
** Do you think he’ll go?

**imilluminatii  
** I don’t know

**bl0ndelvis** **  
**Fuck I’m so nervous  

**imilluminatii  
** I don’t think Fredrik should have even asked him  
It wasn’t fair 

**bl0ndelvis  
** What do you mean? 

**imilluminatii  
** He made it sound like if Tobias didn’t go it meant he didn’t care 

**bl0ndelvis  
** True, I didn’t think of it like that  
But Fredrik has been doing so much of the chasing  
We know how Tobias feels because we’re in his head  
But maybe it isn’t as obvious to Fredrik  
He just wants Tobias to meet him halfway 

**imilluminatii  
** No I agree with you  
I just don’t think he gets what a big deal it would really be for Tobias  
Not just to be out but to be out at an event like that

**bl0ndelvis  
** Oh shit 

**imilluminatii  
** What?  
Oh

 

The episode resumed. Isak watched as, on screen, Tobias walked up to a grand-looking house in jeans and a t-shirt. He held his breath as the door swung open, barely hearing Eva’s muttered  _ oh no _ as it revealed not a fancy ballroom, but crowds of dancing party-goers drinking and grinding against the dilapidated walls. Calle came striding down the staircase looking dishevelled, a long-suffering Maja at his side, and raised his near-empty bottle to Tobias as he saw him. Tobias nodded back.

 The music started up.

 Isak couldn’t help but feel disappointed as he watched Tobias--with an unconvincing smile frozen on his face--go through the motions of the party, greet his friends. Isak watched, frustrated, as Tobias sat alone on the stairs and read Fredrik’s texts but left them unanswered, the _are you coming_ to the _please baby_ to the _i’m sorry please answer your phone._  

Isak watched, growing increasingly annoyed, but he felt on edge, too. Something about the music was niggling at him. It was some song by The Weeknd, he thought--because MxM couldn’t go a season without a song by them--but it wasn’t one he knew. It felt deceptively calm, though, like it was building to something epic.

And then Tobias looked up to see Fredrik pushing his way through the crowd and Isak and Eva cheered together, wordless yells of excitement. As the chorus kicked in, Fredrik looked Tobias in the eyes and led him away from everyone else, up the staircase into a room where he kissed him like they’d never kissed before, desperate and hungry, stripping their clothes off as they went.

Isak could feel his mouth go dry, his heart pounding in his chest. 

Tobrik had had sex before, obviously, but… that first time, at the cabin, it had been awkward and slow and sweet, lots of tasteful scene cuts and reassurance. It had been a getting-together sort of moment, more about trust and beginnings than passion. Now? 

Jesus Christ, Isak could hardly breathe. His brain whirred with ideas--already trying to decide what to write, how this could be incorporated into Go Forth, whether he could do justice to a timestamp. 

The screen faded to black on Tobias’s face, tipped backwards in ecstasy as he choked out Fredrik’s name.

As the credits rolled, Isak turned to find Jonas and Eva staring at the screen with similar wide-eyed expressions. Eva turned to Jonas, and Isak watched as Jonas looked back and the two shared a kiss, something clearly stirred in them by the scene on screen. And Isak smiled. It didn’t hurt, anymore, watching them kiss like that. Not the way it used to.

He had this fandom to thank for that. Or, more specifically--

Looking down at his phone, he ignored the screaming of the group chats to open the message from Even.

 

**bl0ndelvis  
** Wow.  
Like I wish they’d talked about what happened but...  
Wow. 

**imilluminatii  
** Also wow  
Yes  
Wow

 

Honestly, he didn’t know what more to say than that? His brain was still stuck on the image of Fredrik crawling on top of Tobias, breathing into his mouth as their hips worked against each other. He didn’t even know how Jakob and Niclas could have filmed that scene without getting hard.

Fucking hell, he couldn’t let himself think about that. 

 

**bl0ndelvis  
** Are you going to Vilde’s ‘fandom meetup’ thing? 

   


The question came seemingly out of nowhere, but Isak was glad for the distraction. He’d had too many late night conversations with Eva about Jakob and Niclas’s ‘natural connection’, at that point, to not have wondered about what it was like for the actors. He supposed he could relate, really: they spent a lot of time pretending to be gay, just like Isak spent a lot of time pretending to be straight.  

It hadn’t made Isak any straighter, so far.

 

   


**imilluminatii  
** idk  
it depends 

**bl0ndelvis  
** On what?

**imilluminatii**

How brave I am feeling I guess  
ot sure it fits the whole anon thing 

**bl0ndelvis  
** Hmm 

**imilluminatii  
** Are you? 

**bl0ndelvis  
** It depends 

 

Isak smiled at Even turning his own words back on him. 

 

   


**imilluminatii  
** Lol.  
On what. 

**bl0ndelvis  
** On whether you’re feeling brave or not, I guess.

  


_ Wait. What? _

Isak’s mouth went dry. He stared at his phone for what seemed an eternity (two minutes, according to his actual timestamp) before typing back. Was Even actually saying he’d only go if Isak was going? Did Even actually want to meet him?

  

**Imilluminatii  
**????!?  
What the fuck 

**bl0ndelvis  
** Lol i’m just kidding don’t worry  
It depends where I am for the summer  
I have an interview for an internship and I don’t know if it’ll work out

 

Isak felt his heart sink at that, a deflated balloon within his chest. 

Obviously it was just a joke. Clearly Even wasn’t going to base his decision entirely on whether Isak was going. He hadn’t meant anything by it at all.

Still, though, the thought stuck in his head. If he went to this meetup… he might meet Even. He might get to see Even’s smile in person, maybe hug him, maybe know what his hands feel like… 

Well, shit. 

 

**imilluminatii  
** Good luck with the internship bro  
They’d be lucky to have you :)  
And if you do decide to come to Uppsala, I’ll probably end up going  
Jonas is pretty insistent haha

 

It felt like forever, but then, ten minutes later, Isak’s phone buzzed once more. His face fell when he saw that all Even had sent back was a  _ thanks _ and a thumbs-up emoji.

Great.

Even probably hadn’t meant anything by it. It was just a fucking emoji. But Isak couldn’t help but feel like he’d taken a wrong turn somewhere there, because it didn’t quite feel right. Thanks. Thumbs up. It wasn’t what he was used to from Even, chatty and flirty at all hours.

If Isak hadn’t still been at Eva’s he’d put his face into a pillow and scream. 

But he  _ was _ at Eva’s, and he  _ really _ didn’t want to spend another night talking to them both about his crush. He really didn’t want to be that guy who obsessed over a single message from a cute boy, or got upset over what was probably absolutely nothing.  Instead, he took a deep breath and turned to his friends, ready to deconstruct the new episode.

“So,” he said, making Eva and Jonas look up from their phones. “Dark Times. What does that mean?”

 

 

 

 

 


	5. irl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Come on, baby Jesus. Come out of the cave.”
> 
> Isak had been moping around his room for a couple of hours before even he was sick of himself, so when Eskild knocked on his bedroom door, he said nothing, just throwing off the covers with a sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update! I know, what a surprise.
> 
> I wanted to explore a bit more of Isak's life outside of tumblr with this one, and I have no clue if it worked. Either way, thank y'all for the lovely comments and encouragement so far! I really appreciate it.

 

Even didn’t message Isak at all on Thursday, and by the time Isak got home from school on Friday, he was convinced he’d somehow ruined it all. He didn’t know what it was that he’d done--or, if he was being honest, what  _ it _ even was--but he had a bad feeling, nonetheless. 

He’d sent Even two Tumblr messages since Wednesday night, and Even hadn’t responded to either.

Isak wasn’t taking it very well.

“Come on, baby Jesus. Come out of the cave.”

Isak had been moping around his room for a couple of hours before even he was sick of himself, so when Eskild knocked on his bedroom door, he said nothing, just throwing off the covers with a sigh.

Isak put up only a token protest as Eskild sat down at the end of his bed and wrinkled his nose. It was a testament to how much he wanted to talk to Isak that for once he didn’t complain about the way the room smelled.

Not that Isak thought it was an issue. But he supposed his nose was used to it.

“You can’t sit around waiting for some boy to call you like this.”  Eskild’s voice was kind but firm and Isak’s mood refused to recognize it.

“I’m not waiting for him to  _ call me _ ,” he corrected, petty though it was.

“Text, call, tumble--whatever it is you kids are calling it these days.”

“You’re like, four years older than me.”

At that Eskild snuggled up beside him, running a hand through Isak’s curls affectionately. He shrank back, but--who was he kidding? Part of him relaxed into the touch, letting his friend comfort him.

“Yes, I am older and wiser. Which is why I think you acknowledge that I know best and let me take you out.”

Isak wasn’t even surprised by the non-sequitur at this point in their relationship.

“Eskild, no.”

“What? Just a little night out won’t hurt. A little drinking, a little dancing.”

Of course that was Eskild’s master solution.

He knew Eskild meant well with the offer, was the thing. Eskild was the kind of person who actually felt better when he went out and danced his troubles away, flirted, did the whole social butterfly thing.

Isak wasn’t like that.

“You want me to come to a bar? With strangers?”

“Not a bar, Isak. Keep up. Remember my friend Claude?”

Isak didn’t, in fact, remember his friend Claude. But he vaguely remembered Eskild romancing a French guy, and… well. The name sort of fit.

He nodded.

Eskild smiled.

“Well, Claude and his flatmates are hosting a very  _ bon soiree  _ as they say in France, and I know for a fact that they’re all handsome southern Europeans who don’t know a single soul at Nissen. How does that sound?”

“Um. I mean, Eskild. I don’t think--”

“Perfect,” Eskild said, clapping his hands. “We’ll leave at ten, fashionably late, except not all that fashionably for you because I don’t have time to dress you. Tonight is the night for me and Claude and I have things to do. Cross your fingers for me!”

 

\--

 

The party wasn’t  _ bad,  _ exactly, but it was a lot more… flamboyant, than Isak usually went for. He found himself looking around in awe, most of the time, pleased for the glimpse into Eskild’s world… but it wasn’t him, really. None of the people here really had that much to talk to him about, once Eskild was done introducing him around the room. 

Uncharitably, he wondered if they could smell the closet dust on him.

As expected, Eskild disappeared early on to drag a tall boy--who, Isak realised, was  _ not _ the same French guy he’d seen before--into a bedroom, and Isak was left alone. For a while, he was content to sit in the corner and scroll through Tumblr on his phone, but by the time it hit midnight he was too tired to look at the same set of gifs without being bored to tears, and so he navigated his way through the explosion of carefree dancing, smiling back at a few of the unfamiliar faces as he headed for the door.

Outside, he took a deep breath in the cool night air.

It felt good to get on the tram again, back where the only noise was the screech on the rails and the music blasting through his headphones. There was something peaceful about getting on the tram at night like this--assuming he was lucky enough not to share the carriage with drunkards.

He was just closing his eyes, writing new scenes for Go Forth in his head, when that peace was shattered.

“Yo, Isak?” 

As the tram lurched away from Grefsenveien, Isak opened his eyes to see Elias and three of his friends settling around him on the tram. A dull sense of dread settled low in his chest.

He wasn’t friends with Elias, and Jonas wasn’t friendly with him, anymore. They exclusively got their weed from Ingrid’s brother, these days. It wasn’t like they’d fought with Elias, or anything, but his attitude towards Isak had never changed. If anything, it had only gotten worse, with Elias seeming to delight in making him uncomfortable.

He didn’t want to deal with Elias or his boys right now. Especially not when he could tell they’d been drinking.

“Hey, Elias.” 

Elias gave Isak a once over, slouching back in his tram seat like he was making himself at home. When he spoke, he sounded amused. Teasing, almost--except that Isak couldn’t buy that it was good-natured.

“What are  _ you _ doing out so late?”

“Just… going home. Party.”

Elias raised an eyebrow, then squinted at him, reaching out to turn Isak’s cheek towards the window.

“Is that  _ glitter _ on your face? You wearing makeup now?”

Oh, fuck.

Isak felt his face heat up.

“No? Fuck off, what?”

“Your boyfriend let you out alone, looking like that?”

“I don’t-- I’m not--” He felt his cheeks heating up, and said the first thing that came to mind. “Fuck off, Elias.”

The guys just laughed, and Isak felt himself sinking further into the seat on the tram. Why the fuck hadn’t he just stood by the doors, where he couldn’t be surrounded like this?

“Chill, Isak. We’re just messing with you.” Elias paused, taking in Isak’s rigid posture. “Jeez, take a joke.”

The guy next to Isak laughed loud and mean in his ear.

“Yeah, bro, don’t be a pussy.”

“He doesn’t know anything about pussy,” the guy across the aisle said, and the others jeered, high-fiving him as they erupted into more laughter.

Isak set his jaw, glaring at Elias as hard as he could without provoking an actual fight.  

Elias rolled his eyes back, but said nothing more as the tram announcement called the next stop.  _ Schous Plass. _

Isak could get off there, he realised. It’d only be 10 more minutes to his journey, maybe five if he walked quickly. 

He stood abruptly, and Elias easily let him by, like they were perfectly friendly.

“Later, Issy,” he said, as casual as anything. “Say hi to Jonas for me, yeah?”

 

 -

 

It was only when he walked through his bedroom door that Isak realized how fast his heart was beating. It wasn’t fear, he thought, but anger: he was trying so hard to be brave, but in situations like that he just froze up. He couldn’t say _yeah, I’m gay, so what_. He couldn’t fucking _do_ anything, because he was too much of a damn coward to tell the truth.  

All he’d wanted was to go out and not think for a few hours. 

Now, lying in bed, his face scrubbed clean, thinking was all he could do. He opened up Go Forth and wrote and wrote, until he realized that his fingers hurt from how hard he was pressing the keys, because it was all he could think of to do to make himself feel better.

It was 04:00 when he gave in and opened up Tumblr, pounding away at the keys through the headache he was just now noticing.

 

> **imilluminatii**
> 
> Me: quietly exists  
>  The world: be yourself! Be brave!  
>  Me: exists a bit more loudly  
>  The world: haha no not like that
> 
>  #I came home alone from a party tonight #and got cornered on the tram by some guys from school   
> #for having some bits of glitter on my face #it’s dumb maybe #but it was scary #i just fucking froze   
> #and let them say shit because half of it was true anyway #real advice pls #how do you do this   
> #how do you be brave when people are like this #jeg er so fucking gay #and sometimes i wish i wasn’t
> 
>  

He would delete it in the morning, he decided. But he felt better for saying it, nonetheless.

 

-

 

The next morning, Isak woke up to a very concerned group chat, and five missed calls from Jonas. 

Which was nice--but there was a reason Isak hadn’t just called Jonas as soon as it happened. Jonas would want him to fight back, and he’d be supportive… but sometimes it was easier to scream into the void than to have someone talk back, give you a reaction or a hug or a game plan. 

He felt better now, anyway. It was nothing. In the grand scheme of things, what happened last night was barely a blip on the radar of shitty things that happened to gay kids. 

Isak was fine.

He shot off a quick text to his best friend before opening the chat, feeling quietly pleased at the messages of support until he saw a new one roll in.

 

 **purrfectlypink  
** Omg Immy!!! Let us know how you are feeling this morning <3 

**waffles95**   
Wow I just saw your post Immy  
Let us know if you need anything   
  
**loglady92**   
I’m really sorry to hear about last night. What did they say to you?   
  
**starinthrumyrearview**   
Names? Info? We can take these assholes if you need.   
@jonas have you heard from him?

**reggismeggis**   
#teamimmy   
  
**jobrows**   
@sana private message me

**bl0ndelvis  
** Wow I just turned my notifications back on  
What did I miss?

 

Shit. Before Isak even had a chance to let them know he was up and reading messages, Magnus linked Even to Isak’s post.

**  
reggismeggis  
** https://imilluminatii.tumblr.com/post/106093625130/me-quietly-exists-the-universe 

**purrfectlypink**   
Hi Even!

**reggismeggis  
** Welcome to the gc bro   
Where have you been?!

**jobrows  
** Yeah Even, what have you been up to

 

Thankfully, Even didn’t reply--Isak could only assume he was busy reading the post from last night. Or, you know. Disappearing off the face of the earth again.

Either way, Isak didn’t want to wait for Even’s reaction. It might never come.

 

**imilluminatii  
** Thanks guys  
You don’t need to worry though it’s all chill now I'm good   
  
**starinthrumyrearview**   
'Chill?' Seriously?

**purrfectlypink  
** Immy, it’s okay to admit if it was hard! We all read your post and are here to support you <3 

 **reggismeggis  
** Dude what is this email I just read????  
You wrote 5000 words last night 

**jobrows  
** What the fuck

**imilluminatii  
** … true 

**purrfectlypink  
** How impressive!   


**reggismeggis**   
Lol this is not chill at all

 

Before Isak could try to defend himself, a message came up in a new chat. And another. And another.

Even.

Isak didn’t want it to, but he felt the flutter in his stomach as he switched over.

  

**bl0ndelvis  
** This is going to sound stupid but I forgot an important deadline on Wednesday and my psychiatrist has been taking it really seriously.  
Like, I can’t just forget something because I’m a normal 20 year-old guy with other stuff on my mind.   
She wants me to start on lithium again and it’s just been stress.  
But the point is I just saw your messages, I’m really sorry. Are you okay?

  

A petty part of Isak wanted to ignore Even, but mostly he was just relieved. It didn’t seem like he was lying--or, at least, he had no reason to. He seemed to actually want to talk… so it’d be fine. Isak would just have to be careful, right? Just in case he’d said something bad, before.

  

 **Imilluminatii  
** Nothing I can’t handle.  
And it’s fine.  
I’m sorry about your psychiatrist stuff. 

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault.  
I’m going to be busy with this assignment for a few days, but I wanted to check you’re okay. 

**imilluminatii  
** Thanks Even.   
I’ll be fine, promise.

**bl0ndelvis  
** Ok, I’m holding you to that.   
Hope you have a good week, Isak. <3

 

\--

 

Isak spent the buildup to Wednesday looking forward to the new episode and dodging Jonas’s questions. He still hadn’t told his friend that it was Elias on the tram--because what was the point? He didn’t want to start anything over some dumb jokes. Not something that would potentially out him, anyway. 

School dragged on, the same as always

They were sitting on the bench outside Nissen, the three of them plus Ingrid, Sara, and Julian, and it almost felt like middle school again. Eva’s friendship with the girls would never be what it was, but with her newfound confidence she’d managed to take enough steps towards their forgiveness that they’d started hanging out more, once second year started. Now, nearing the end of it, Isak found himself with them almost every day. He didn’t quite feel like they were friends, but Sara constantly sent him facebook messages with gossip about her russ bus, and Ingrid’s brother gave them the friends and family rate on his greens, so Isak supposed they must be.  

Isak was only half-listening to the conversation, instead going through his messages from Vilde about the meet-up. He’d agreed to go, but hadn’t booked the flight or anything yet, waiting for more money to come in from his father. 

From the look of it, Vilde was getting antsy about it, although Isak barely understood why. It wasn’t like there weren’t already plenty of other people going--the rest of the fandom had caught wind of the plan, and there would be enough of the online community there to keep Vilde entertained all weekend.

He just about stopped himself from messaging Vilde _ JESUS CHRIST PLEASE CHILL,  _ shoving his phone in his pocket to try to appear interested in the conversation at hand.

They’d been going back and forth sharing stories about May 17 celebrations for a solid ten minutes when Isak saw Elias approaching. He was on his own this time, but smiled when he saw the group sitting there. Objectively, Isak might have said it was a nice smile. But as Elias came close, Isak couldn’t find it in him to think charitable thoughts.

"Hey, glitterboy," Elias threw out, as if it were a perfectly normal thing to say.

The group fell silent.

Elias kept walking, and Isak refused to acknowledge him, even as the curl of shame settled low in his body. He could feel Jonas tensing up next to him--too smart not to realise what Elias was referencing.

"Jonas," he said quietly, nudging him. "It's fine."

When he looked back at the group, everyone seemed confused. Ingrid and Sara shared looks, and Julian, his arm firmly around Sara's shoulder, ignored her snuggling into him to give Isak a disturbingly intense look.

Jonas, at Isak’s side, wasn’t much better. Isak felt his concerned gaze like a brand on his skin.

"Okay," Julian finally said. "Back to the plan. My parents said we could take their boat."

"Serious?" Ingrid asked, her voice impressed. Sara grinned, clearly smug about the development. 

"Yeah, it'll be perfect," Julian bragged. "Just the six of us, the captain, and a fridge full of champagne."

Even Eva looked grudgingly intrigued.

"Just six?" Ingrid asked.

"The other Pepsi Max girls will have to get the ferry," Sara said dismissively. "There's not enough room on the boat."

Isak cleared his throat.

"I don't mind getting the ferry," he said. All the more excuse to bail out at the last minute, or leave early if he wanted. He wasn't exactly pumped at the idea of spending a night camping out on some tiny island in the fjord with Sara and Ingrid and their friends.

Julian, though, seemed affronted at the very idea.

"Uh, I don't think so," he said. "It's my boat, so I choose who's on it. Gotta have my boys, right?"

Isak fought down the urge to exchange a look with Jonas. There was no universe in which he would describe them as Julian's 'boys'. They'd had to start seeing him more once Eva made up with the girls, because pretty soon after, Julian had set his sights on Sara, but they weren't exactly bros. Isak found him kind of creepy, and Jonas made no secret of disliking how Julian's family threw their money behind such conservative causes. 

“It sounds amazing,” Eva said, making up for Isak and Jonas’s silence. She looked genuinely excited, too, to have real plans for May 17 this year, and not just a casual agreement to drink in a park with Isak and Jonas. 

Isak wondered, sometimes, if Eva felt left out, still, with her best girl friends being on the internet. Ingrid and Sara were trying, but Eva would never have them the way she once did.

“Maybe,” Isak said finally, and Julian’s face lit up even though Isak knew his own smile was probably more of a grimace. May 17 was a Wednesday, but he could probably stream the episode from his phone--

“Fuck it,” Jonas said, startling Isak as he threw a tight arm around his shoulder. “Let’s go on the fucking boat.”

The girls cheered, and Isak eyed his friend suspiciously. He wasn’t sure where the sudden change of heart had come from, but he knew that expression on Jonas’s face. The boy was planning something.

 “Okay,” Isak said, as if he had any other choice.  

 He pulled out his phone, retreating into the tumblr app. He was mostly trying to avoid talking, but it proved a good distraction: there, Even’s face--or the lower half of it, at least--greeted him with a selfie.

 

**bl0ndelvis**

 

Guess who finished their project right in time for the new ep?!?!

 #this guy #i’m so ready #my body is ready #do i look ready or what #lol i’m gross i haven’t showered in days 

 

Fucking hell. Even looked anything but gross. He had a hat covering half his face, shading his pretty eyes, so that all of the focus was on his thumb dragging his plush lower lip down to expose his teeth. 

One look at him and  _ Isak’s _ body was ready, all thoughts of Elias and his friends flying out of the window. Without caring that Jonas was sitting next to him, or that Julian was still staring like a creep, Isak pressed his finger down on the screen.

 

_ > Saved to google drive. _

 

_ Nice pic _ , he commented, biting his lip as he did so.

_ You definitely look ready for something ;) _ he typed then, trying to summon that  _ fuck Elias fuck everything  _ feeling from the night before.

But as the others stood to go to their classes, Isak couldn’t bring himself to press ‘send’. 

He closed down the app, and followed Julian to biology without another word.

  

 

 

 

 


	6. #gratulerermeddagen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can’t believe you fucking updated today,” Even said, and suddenly everything slotted into place. The sex scene--the one Isak had stressed about all week, because it was basically about Even… he’d read it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is longer than I expected. 
> 
> Uh, warning for Isak kissing somebody who isn't Even. And some bad life choices.
> 
> Sorry not sorry ;)

 

 **reggismeggis  
** Duuuuude  
Duuuuuuuuuude  
This is the fucking holy grail of sex scenes brothaaaaa

 **imilluminatii  
** Thanks mags?

 **reggismeggis  
** No but like  
2100 words of this is fucking, i’m in awe

 **imilluminatii** **  
** Is it okay though?

 **reggismeggis  
** It’s hot as fuck  
Like i almost stopped to get off tbh

 **imilluminatii** **  
** jesus christ TMI

 **reggismeggis  
** Lol ;)  
Well it’s true  
I have to ask a question though

 **imilluminatii** **  
** Ok

 **reggismeggis  
** And i hope it’s not rude  
But have you thought about just telling Even you want to bang him?

 

Oh shit. That would teach Isak not to message Magnus during lunch.

It was a shock, to say the least. Isak spluttered, practically spitting out a piece of the cheese toastie from his mouth. Sara gave him a disgusted look, but he couldn’t care less.

 

 **imilluminatii** **  
** WHAT

 **reggismeggis  
** I’m sure he’d be cool about it  
He’s such a cool guy

 **imilluminatii  
** What the fuck are you talking about?  
I don’t want to bang Even. Why are you saying that?

 **reggismeggis  
** Dude I’m not judging at all what you think about to write your scenes  
But you might want to do a ctrl-f  
You put Even’s name in there a couple of times

 **imilluminatii  
** Fuck

Isak wasn’t even surprised, was the thing. Most of the new chapter had been written in his late night writing spree, and between the lack of sleep and the fact he had most definitely imagined Even’s face over Fredrik’s, it was no wonder he’d let the wrong name in there.

A chill ran through him at the thought that he could have posted it like that. If he weren’t so picky about getting his work betaed, Even might be realizing right that second that Isak had been picturing him riding dick, his long neck exposed as he threw back his head and moaned.

It was all Even’s fault, anyway. Ever since he’d alluded to liking getting fucked, Isak had thought about it. Like, a lot.  


**reggismeggis  
** Lol yeah good thing you have an amazing beta

 **imilluminatii** **  
** I’m so fucked  
I was really tired okay, shit

 **reggismeggis  
** Bro, seriously  
Tell him  
At the very least, don’t let him find out by reading porn with his name in it lol

 **imilluminatii** **  
** Fuck off Mags

 **reggismeggis  
** For what it’s worth I’m team #blimmy  
#imvis?  
#imven?

 **imilluminatii** **  
** Please stop

 **reggismeggis  
** I’m just saying  
I’m wit ya man

 

-

 

After the explosiveness of Tobrik’s hiatus-ending sex scene, that week’s episode felt almost overwhelming. It wasn’t that it was bad, Isak thought, but it felt like filler. There were still a few episodes left in the season, so there had to be some conflict still left to resolve, but Isak couldn’t figure out what it was. Tobias and Fredrik seemed happy.

He only hoped that Tobias wasn’t about to get outed, because he could just imagine that ‘twist’ being the final thing the season dealt with.

As the episode ran, he found himself paying more attention to the group chat than the screen

 

 **bl0ndelvis  
** I don’t know  
I think it would be too cliched, to have the season end with him being outed  
They’ve been so clear they don’t want to make his story just about him being gay and coming out

  
**loglady92**  
But wouldn’t it be a good step for him? Would you not want to see him come out?

 **waffles95**  
hmmm  
**  
** **bl0ndelvis**  
I think coming out is overdone on TV to be honest  
**  
** **waffles95**  
what do you mean?  
  
**starinthrumyrearview**  
I agree  
**  
** **bl0ndelvis**  
I just think in real life not everyone can come out  
And TV makes it seem like it’s something you have to do  
You don’t have to be out to everyone to be happy and accept yourself

 

Isak couldn’t help but feel like Even was addressing him directly, with that. But he didn’t know what to say, so he stayed quiet until the conversation moved onto fanfiction, and Vilde reappeared in the chat.

Only a few days before, Vilde had updated her fic only for Even to suggest in the chat that she rewrite her romantic kitchen sex scene with real lube instead of olive oil. Ever since then she’d been running all her smut ideas by the group chat with absolutely no filter, which Isak would probably find funny if it wasn’t for the fact she kept asking him to comment.

If Vilde was attempting to gather real life intelligence, Isak wasn’t the person to go to. Even, though, was happy to come through with the info, and Isak couldn’t help but blush every time Even confirmed having tried something, or alluded to something he enjoyed. It was great that Even could be so open about sex, but Isak was uncomfortably close to asking Vilde to message Even in private so he didn’t have to read about it.

There were only so many boners Isak could handle in the day.

His thoughts drifted again to his latest scene, once more kicking himself for letting his thoughts about Even influence it so much. It wasn’t that he was afraid of turning Tobias into a self-insert--although, honestly, he had always been a little afraid, as a gay boy writing fic, that people would assume things about him because of what he wrote--but more that he was afraid of giving himself away. That Even might recognize his own gestures in Fredrik’s, or hear his own voice in Fredrik’s mouth.

Isak was afraid Even would read it and realize the true, embarrassing extent of Isak’s infatuation.

It was only when he saw his nickname that he turned his attention back to the conversation, glad to see they were now talking about the meetup. Vilde and Sana, it seemed, had been busy planning, despite it still being nearly a month away.

 

 **purrfectlypink**  
Immy thank you for sending the confirmation email  
So nice that you’re coming to the meetup  <3  
  
**bl0ndelvis** **  
** Vilde, I need to send you mine too.  
  
**imilluminatii** **  
** Oh, you’re going?

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Yes, it turns out I’m free that weekend after all.

 **imilluminatii  
** Awesome!  
What about the internship though?

 **bl0ndelvis  
** I haven’t heard yet, but they said it wouldn’t start until the week after.  
You remembered :)  
  
**imilluminatii**  
Of course I did.  
Still crossing my fingers for you

 **bl0ndelvis**  
I’m sure your luck is all I could need

 

Jonas snorted from his seat by Eva on the kollektiv sofa, and Isak looked up to find the two of them looking at him. The credits were rolling on the television, and Eva was giving him a knowing once over that made Isak distinctly uncomfortable.

“When are you going to stop flirting and send him some pics?” Eva asked, and Isak felt his cheeks heating up at the grin on her face.

“It’s not like that,” he said, and Jonas groaned, shaking his head in what looked like frustration.

“Really,” Isak protested, as his best friends gave him their most unimpressed looks.

“Isak, he flirts with you every chance he gets,” Eva said, like Isak was impossibly slow. “Believe me, I know flirting. He clearly likes you!”

Jonas’s grip on her waist tightened, and she rolled her eyes at him.

Once upon a time, Isak would have looked at them and felt sick to his stomach. Now, all he felt was affection--and annoyance, because they wouldn’t let this go. Even after he explained his predicament with the fic--how he’d spent all week looking over it and over it, trying to make it less about Even and more about the actual fictional characters it was intended to portray--Eva had suggested he leave Even’s name in there, to Isak’s horror, and let Even interpret it however he wanted.

Isak couldn’t do that, though. Couldn’t move any faster than he was already going, go any quicker than his own pace.

“It’s just a bit of flirting,” he said. “None of it means anything.”

Secretly, he hoped Eva was right.

 

-

 **  
** **16 May, 21:36**

 

So...  
Be honest. What do you think?

 **Jonas Noah Vasquez  
** I think it’s good

 **Eva Kviig Mohn  
** omg so good!!!!!!

 

Yeah yeah that’s not what I want to know  
Do you think it’s obvious?  
About Even I mean

 **Eva Kviig Mohn  
** No?  
Like not at all   
Not now you changed the names anyway lol

 

Are you sure?  
Does it sound enough like Fredrik?

 **Eva Kviig Mohn  
** Isak you’re overthinking it. Boys are oblivious  
He’s never going to know

 **Jonas Noah Vasquez  
**   
It’s not like you wrote it based on all the *secret kinks* he told you he had  
Right????

 

No  
Secret kinks???

 **  
** **Jonas Noah Vasquez  
** Idk what you guys talk about lol

 

Normal stuff  
We talk about normal stuff

**Eva Kviig Mohn  
**

I just don’t wanna embarrass myself

 

 **Jonas Noah Vasquez  
** Isak, the chapter’s great  
Nobody will ever know

 

Promise?

 **Eva Kviig Mohn  
** Promise :)

 

 **Jonas Noah Vasquez  
** I swear to you  
Except for Magnus  
He just messaged me asking if I’m team #blimmy wtf

 

Thanks guys  
Love you <3

 

 **Eva Kviig Mohn  
** BLIMMY

 

And tell mags to go fuck himself  


-

 

They had been on the island for about 6 hours, and Isak was a little bit fucked up. Not enough to be a problem, but that _22:00 on May 17 and I’m not gonna last_ sort of feeling he knew only too well. Day drinking was not his friend.

He’d finally posted the chapter that morning, and proceeded to drink several beers with Jonas while waiting for Julian to pick them up. They’d done the usual May 17 brunch at Eva’s house, and she’d practically sat on him, mimosa in hand, until he pressed ‘publish’ and released the chapter into the world, grumbling the whole time about mean friends who didn’t respect his creative process.

He was glad it was finally up, but also a bit concerned at what the response would be. Once the boat got to the island, though, and they’d set up camp with their cooler and blankets, he’d allowed himself to relax. He turned the notifications off on his phone, and settled in to enjoy the day with a chilled bottle of Tuborg.

For a while, it was incredibly peaceful.

Then, the partying had started in earnest.

He hadn’t been thrilled when Ingrid’s brother and his friends showed up, although logically he knew it made sense to have some more boys to entertain the handful of Pepsi Max girls who had deemed camping on an island an acceptable way to spend the night. The one saving grace of Trygve’s presence was the weed--he’d brought some good shit, and plenty to go around.

Isak was high as fuck by the time he realized his phone was ringing.

Not just ringing--but that was his Skype app, flashing at him with three missed calls.

Missed call: 21:21.  
Missed call: 21:48.  
Missed call: 22:04.

He got to his feet in a hurry as he answered the incoming call, turning away so that nobody saw the grin that eclipsed his face at the sound of Even’s voice on the other end of the line.

“Oh fuck! Isak!”

“Hi Even,” he laughed, buoyed up by the absolute joy in Even’s voice.

“Isak! Happy constitution day!”

So, Even was probably drunk too. And he was calling him. On May 17. Isak wasn’t too drunk to try to pretend the whole thing was totally chill.

“You too, Even. Hi.”

Even, on the other hand, didn’t care about sounding chill.

“Oh my God, Isak, you’re the worst.”

Which… okay, wasn’t at all what Isak was expecting him to say.

“What the fuck?”

“The worst,” Even’s voice on the other end wasn’t slurring, but it _was_ a strange, loud whisper that made Isak suspect he was at least a little drunk. “You gave me a _boner_ in front of everyone!”

“The fuck?!”

“I can’t believe you fucking updated today,” Even said, and suddenly everything slotted into place. The sex scene--the one Isak had stressed about all week, because it was basically about Even… he’d read it. Already. “That was so mean of you.”

“Was it?” Isak asked, trying not to smile.

“So mean,” Even said, his tone bright and airy. “I couldn’t help myself, I had to leave the others to read it.

Isak smiled even more, now--and laughed out loud when Even cursed down the line.

“Ouch! Fucking lamp post.”

He could hear Even’s breathing, he realized. Like Even was jogging, or something--except that Isak knew all about Even’s aversion to running, now, because they’d talked about working out for a solid half an hour on Monday when he’d explained to Even that going to the gym was a perfectly good way to kill time waiting for a new episode.

“Where are you?”

“Some film school party,” Even answered. “Well, I was at a party and now… oh shit, I nearly tripped again--now I’m walking home talking to you."

“You’re all alone?” Isak asked. Not that he expected Even to be rudely ignoring someone as they walked together, but he also didn’t like the idea of Even drunkenly wandering the streets at night.

“Yeah, are you?”

He supposed he was.

Isak looked behind him to Jonas and Eva were kissing, seemingly huddled under a heap of blankets, and Ingrid and the girls were talking and laughing. Ingrid’s brother’s friends were smoking a joint, in their own little huddle--the only person paying Isak any mind was Julian, off on a log all on his own, meeting Isak’s eyes as he took a deep swig from his beer bottle.

Isak turned away, taking a few steps further down the beach.

“I’m alone,” he said. “On the beach. It’s nice here.”

“I wish I was there,” Even said, and Isak felt the way his heart stuttered at the idea.

“Oh yeah?” He managed. Perhaps he should say something else flirty, he realized. Perhaps he should say _I wish you were too, what would we do then?_

“Yeah,” Even said. “We could talk about the shotgunning scene. We could shotgun. That’s so good, have you tried it?”

“Uh, yeah,” Isak said. He wasn’t sure why: the truth was that he’d always wanted to try it with Jonas, but had been too afraid of outing himself to ask. He’d never actually done it, though. “Or--no, actually, I haven’t.”

“If I was there I’d shotgun with you,” Even said, his tone strangely serious. Like a promise. “I’d teach you.”

Isak shivered. He didn’t know if it was the wind or the mental image of Even blowing smoke into his waiting mouth, but--who was he kidding? Probably the latter.

“Maybe when we meet,” Isak said softly, still picturing it.

Even hummed low in his throat, and when he spoke his voice was deeper.

“I’m looking forward to it,” he said. “I’ve been thinking about meeting you.”

The conversation steered away from Isak’s fic eventually, but Isak still couldn’t get the words out of his head. _I’ve been thinking about meeting you._ Even had been thinking about Isak.

Jonas had told him as much, but Isak hadn’t let himself believe it.

With his heart soaring in his ribcage, Isak let the sound of Even’s voice wash over him, smiling to himself as he bantered back, and before he knew it he’d wandered practically a kilometer up the beach, so that it was just him and Even and the sand and stars.

He wanted to pull the moment out of the very fabric of time and hold it in his hand forever. To tuck it under his pillow for when he couldn’t sleep, take out the sound of Even’s voice in his ear and the low crashing of the waves and let them soothe him.

In that moment, Isak was happy.

But the happiness couldn’t last.

-

They’d been talking for a while--Isak didn’t know, it could have been twenty minutes or an hour, for all that he’d lost touch with the concept of time--when Even suddenly swore, sounding more focused than he had in a while.

He was nearly home--he told Isak that much--so Isak could only assume that drunk Even had walked into another street light, and he was about to tease him for it when Even sighed, swearing again under his breath, less shocked than resigned.

“Fuck.”

“What?” Isak bit his lip, wondering what had caused Even’s sudden change of mood. “What is it?”

“Sorry, I have to go,” Even said. The words came out muted, like Even was already halfway to handing up. “Sonja’s here.”

“Who’s Sonja?” Isak asked. In the time that he and Even had been talking, he’d never heard that name before, although Even often talked about his friends. He only had a moment for the sense of foreboding to creep over him before Even answered, soft and confused like he was surprised Isak even had to ask.

“My girlfriend,” Even said, and Isak felt for a moment like he’d forgotten how to breathe. “Shit, I’ll talk to you later.”

With that, Even hung up.

Isak stared at his phone in disbelief for only a moment, before taking off down the beach in a hurry, stumbling in the sand and still pressing on forward.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Life was so unfair.

 

\--

 

It didn’t take long for somebody to come and find him. What was more surprising was that it wasn’t Jonas: when Isak looked up, it was Julian hovering a few meters away, looking down at him with concern.

“Fighting with your girlfriend?”

Girlfriend. The word rang in Isak’s ears, the jealousy hitting him low in the gut all over again. Of course Even had a girlfriend. Of course he wasn’t Isak’s to have. Even was too fucking beautiful.

Jonas had been wrong about him. Just because Even liked Isak’s fic didn’t mean he meant anything serious when he complimented him, or Skyped, or made him edits. Didn’t mean their online friendship was anything more, anything that mattered in the harsh light of reality. They could flirt and tease and talk all they liked, but Even still had a whole life that wasn’t the internet or some closeted Oslo boy with a dumb crush.

Even had a real life girlfriend. What Isak had was just pixels on a screen.

Isak didn’t even know Even. Not really. All he had was a few deep conversations and a google drive full of stolen selfies. Only ten minutes ago, Isak had felt himself falling, and now he felt himself hitting solid ground.

What even _was_ that conversation? What had Isak been thinking? How the fuck had he managed to convince himself that he and Even, this stupidly attractive and talented boy, ever had anything?

The internet was one thing, but in reality no guy would ever want him the way he wanted Even. Fuck, Isak wasn’t even brave enough to let them know they _could_.

Isak was so pathetic.

“I told you, I don’t have a girlfriend,” Isak said, wishing Julian would leave him be.

Instead, Julian sat down on the sand beside him. His cheeks were rosy from the alcohol, his pale skin a contrast to his dark hair. When he fixed his eyes on Isak’s, Isak for a moment hated him for how blue they were, how alike Even’s they were.

But Julian smiled, and Isak made himself smile back.

“Good,” Julian said, after a long moment of silence., and Isak watched in slow fascination as Julian’s hand edged closer to his own.

Julian’s little finger brushed up against Isak’s and Isak ignored it, still lost in his own thoughts.

The others felt miles away. In the dimming evening light, all there was was Julian and the moonlight and the waves lapping against the shoreline. He could only vaguely hear Ingrid’s brother strumming badly on Jonas’s guitar, the high sounds of the girls’ laughter.

He looked up to find those blue eyes already boring into his own, Julian’s gaze flickering down to Isak’s mouth like he was contemplating kissing him.

Then, as Isak watched, Julian leaned in.

Isak panicked.

“What the hell?” Isak pulled back as a first stab of fear ran through him.

For a moment, all he could imagine was that this was a game--that Julian was trying to out him, only to laugh when Isak fell for it. That, like with Even, Isak would let himself be brave only to have it blow up in his face.

But the disappointment and apprehension on Julian’s face, even through the haze of the jay he’d just been smoking, seemed genuine.

“What about Sara?” Isak asked, more quietly, and Julian seemed to relax next to him.

“She doesn’t mind,” he said, looking out to the fjord. “We have an understanding.”

Isak studied him for a moment, wondering what that even meant. Sara didn’t seem like the kind of girl who would ‘understand’ her boyfriend hooking up with someone else. Especially not a boy.

But when Julian met Isak’s eyes again, suddenly a lot of things made sense. Julian’s comments on his instagram, the way he always texted Isak first, how he was always trying to convince Isak to go out sailing together or any of those bizarre activities Isak had always written off as Julian showing off his wealth.

Isak, too busy thinking about Even, had always thought he was just some boring rich guy. Now, with Julian looking at him so carefully, Isak saw something surprising: Julian just wanted him.

This person--this real, actual person, here in front of Isak--wanted to kiss him. Not some girl who Isak would have to fake whiskey dick for, but a boy--an attractive boy, with big hands and strong thighs. Isak had seen this boy in the locker room before PE: Julian was no model, but now that Isak thought about him as someone who liked him, as someone he was allowed to like back, he could imagine it.  

It wouldn’t be Even. But it would be real.

Isak let his gaze drop to Julian’s mouth, and Julian let out a sigh that might have been relief. Without ceremony, he moved closer to Isak, putting his hand on Isak’s shoulder before he leaned in to press a kiss to his mouth.

Isak’s heart began to race.

As Julian’s lips moved against his own, Isak hesitantly pressed back, becoming more confident as Julian’s hands tangled in his hair. With each kiss, Julian became more eager, until their bodies were flush against each other.

It was completely surreal. Not life-changing, nothing that tilted Isak’s world on his axis--but it felt big, like Isak was taking a step into a new world where all the dials had been turned up to eleven. Isak was hyperaware of Julian’s lips, how plush and unchapped they were, and how his skin smelled vaguely like suncream and expensive cologne. He was all too aware that Julian, despite not being the burliest of men, felt undeniably male.

Isak couldn’t help thinking, for a moment, that he’d be remembering this the next time he wrote Tobias and Fredrik kissing. Little details he hadn’t known people fixated on, like the pressure of Julian’s fingers on his shoulder, or his hot, ragged breath against Isak’s mouth. How their noses clashed and Isak felt the ghost of Julian’s eyelashes against his neck as he kissed down it.

Isak couldn’t believe he was doing this.

He opened his mouth, enjoying the way Julian’s tongue followed the movement, slipping in until they tangled together. He heard himself let out a noise as Julian brought them ever closer, until Isak found himself itching to press his hips into Julian’s, get some friction as his dick began to stir.

He tried it, just briefly, reveling in the groan Julian gave in return. Isak felt strangely powerful, knowing he’d caused it.  
  
But then:

“Isak? Julian?”

 

-

 

The voices weren’t close, but were enough to make Isak and Julian spring apart, staring at each other with wide eyes.

As Isak caught his breath, Julian scrambled away, standing and fixing his clothes with a look of panic on his face that made Isak’s stomach churn uncomfortably.

“Don’t say anything,” Julian pleaded, and Isak could only nod as Jonas and Eva stumbled around the corner, Sara and the girls in tow.

Sara headed straight for Julian, planting a sloppy kiss to his mouth.

Nobody seemed even the slightest bit suspicious, and Isak raised his eyebrows when he saw the rest of the group stumbling across the beach towards their secluded inlet.

Suddenly he felt a lot more sober than the others.

“They dared us to skinny dip,” Sara giggled, still up in Julian’s face. The smile he gave her in return looked completely genuine, and Isak watched as Julian pulled her in by the waist, idly brushing sand from the skirt of her bunad.

“Oh yeah?” he asks, as the Pepsi Max girls finally reach the inlet. “Are you going to?”

“Are you crazy?” Ingrid sounded unimpressed. She wobbled precariously to take a seat on the ground by Isak. “It’s the fucking fjord, we’ll freeze.”

The others settled close together on the sand, too, seemingly glad for the shelter from the breeze that the inlet provided. One of the girls passed Isak a bottle, and he didn’t even read the label before he took a swig from it.

Ugh. Moonshine.

When he tuned back in, the others were still talking about skinny dipping.

“She’s a chicken,” Trygve said with a grin. “But that’s chill, because I don’t want to see my little sister naked.”

Isak grimaced along with the rest of them, because that probably _would_ be weird. But Sara seemed oddly stuck on the idea, turning now to Isak and Julian.

“I’d totally do it,” she said. “But I know you boys would all be too scared to join me.”

Ingrid’s brothers friends, assholes that they were, let out low jeering sounds.

Julian only shrugged, as if to say, _yeah, so what._ Isak watched the movement of his shoulders. He didn’t really give a fuck about the conversation going on around him--his brain still stuck on the fact that ten minutes ago, Julian fucking Dahl had put his tongue in Isak’s mouth, and Isak had liked it.

And ten minutes before that… well. Isak was actively trying to forget about that.

“What about you?”

It was only when Eva reached out to nudge him that Isak realised Trygve was looking at him. Scratch that. Everybody was looking at him, waiting for his response.

“Nah, Isak is too boring,” Sara said. “He won’t do it.”

It was like Isak wasn’t even there.

“Not even to see a pretty girl naked?” Trygve asked, and Isak spluttered as the group oohed and ahhed around him. There was a reason Isak had never been Trygve’s biggest fan.

He was too perceptive by far.

“Not freezing my balls off to prove a point,” Isak said, and across from him Jonas nodded. It was a slow nod--one that indicated Jonas was probably high off his ass--but it was supportive nonetheless.

“No, I get it, I’m not surprised,” Trygve said, raising his hands as if he was surrendering. “Same old Isak.”

The others laughed too loud, now, and Trygve gave Isak a grin, his usual _I’m just joking, isn’t this fun_ sort of smile. Isak wasn’t surprised by it either, because he and Trygve had known each other a damn long time, by now, but tonight he didn’t really feel like taking it. He took another swig from the bottle, wincing as it went down.

He wasn’t the same old Isak. He _wanted_ to be different.

Isak was starting to feel warm--whether from the moonshine or the emotional rollercoaster, he couldn’t tell. He could feel Julian’s eyes on him from where he sat, and his gaze felt like a brand traveling down Isak’s body.

He'd kissed a boy tonight. Isak was braver than any of these assholes knew.

“Fuck it,” he said, and stood up. “Fuck you all.”

With one final glug of moonshine, Isak tugged off his hoodie, noticing as he did that he swayed with the movement. Jonas gave Isak a questioning look, but Isak only rolled his eyes in return.

“I’ll do it,” Isak said.

The group cheered, and they only got louder when Sara stood, too, blushing as she did. She looked surprised, for a moment, like she hadn’t expected it. Jonas took out his phone, squinting at it in the low light as he lifted it to film.

Isak kicked off his shoes, then socks, then began to walk backwards towards the water, pulling his t-shirt over his head as he did so. The others were whooping, now, hollering as Sara followed suit, carefully unlacing her bunad and taking off her blouse to reveal a lacy white bra underneath.

“You coming?” Isak said, feeling braver now. The guys howled their approval as Isak winked at her, trailing his eyes down her flat stomach in feigned interest.

“Fuck yeah, Isak, get it!” Trygve called, holding up his hands in mock guilt as Julian swatted him on the shoulder. But the mood was contagious: soon the whole group was chanting Isak’s name, and Sara’s, egging them both on and making Isak feel bolder by the second.

He broke out into a jog, and Sara followed, chasing him towards the shoreline--and Isak ran in circles as he laughed and gave chase in return, feeling bold and alive and stupid all at once. He had no idea what he was doing, but he couldn’t find it in him to care.

And then they were at the shore, their toes just inches from the waves breaking on the beach.

Isak fumbled open his jeans in a hurry as Sara unhooked her bra, and as if by mutual agreement, they threw their underwear down into the sand, not even looking at each other as they joined hands.

“Ready?” Sara asked, a bright, terrified smile frozen on her face.

“Fuck no,” Isak said, smiling back.

And then, not thinking about Even, or Julian, or anything at all, Isak ran into the water with her, gasping as the frigid temperature sent chills all through his body.

It was a shock--so cold that he could practically feel his balls retract into his body, so cold that his nipples hurt--and for a moment they were both silent, regretting every choice that had brought them here.

Then, like their stupidity suddenly hit them, they were both screaming, shouting, laughing hysterically as they ran back out of the icy water and collapsed on the sand, drunk and cold, shivering and cursing as they pulled their clothes back on over their frozen skin.

Isak was still laughing--they were both still laughing, incredulous and full of adrenaline--as they returned victorious to the cheers of their friends and were bundled up into blankets to dry off.

“Way to go, bro,” Jonas slurred, as Isak plopped down next to him. “I got it all on camera.”

“Oh yeah?” Isak asked, motioning for Trygve to pass back the bottle of moonshine. The other boy did, heartily clapping Isak on the shoulder as he returned it.

The burn felt good now, sliding down his throat.

Isak could feel his eyes getting heavy.

Fuck Even. Fuck Isak’s dumb heart. Fuck everything.

“Put it on Tumblr,” Isak said with a smile, leaning against his best friend's shoulder. “I don’t give a shit anymore.”

  



	7. side pairing: notp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak imagined Julian’s hands on him, stroking him hard and fast. He imagined Even’s face through a screen, making his heart squeeze with want and disappointment all at once. Julian, reality. Even, a fantasy. What he wanted or what he could have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience! And thanks very much for all the love on the last chapter--especially from my fave anon. Look, anon: I updated!
> 
> Warning: some of the canon characters here have sexualities that are not canonical. If that's an issue for you... well, you can always ask me what they are, or scroll to the endnotes.
> 
> A huge thanks to my girl desert_coffin for reading this. You the best <3

 

  
Isak woke up in a tent with Eva snoring directly into his ear, a chill on his feet, and the sound of rain against the canvas.

The telltale headache behind his eyes said it all: hello, May 18th.

He rolled over to check the time on his phone, only to find a blank screen greeting him as he fumbled to turn it on. Typical. Of course his phone had run out of battery in the night. Because of course Isak had been too drunk to plug it into Eva’s power bank.

Idiot.

Beside him, Eva curled in towards him, breathing warmly into his neck as he turned to look at her. Jonas, slack-jawed and ruffled, was plastered against her back with one hand resting low on her belly, on the bare skin above her underwear.

Only a while ago, the sight would have hurt--now, though, Isak was only a bit weirded out at the intimacy of it, of actually _seeing_ his best friend touch his other best friend in such a casually sexual way up close.

Isak vaguely remembered Jonas helping Eva out of her bunad the night before, and himself being too drunk to help her with the clasp on her brooch, but he didn’t recall her putting on one of Jonas’s t-shirts. Or what had happened to her and Jonas’s sleeping arrangements, since they appeared to have slept on top of their sleeping bags and there were no blankets to be found.

Eva and Jonas clearly had no answer to that question either. They woke up not long after Isak, bleary-eyed and bitching about the chill, and Eva at least had the good grace to look as disgustingly hungover as Isak felt.

“Kill me,” she groaned, snuffling into Jonas’s neck and leaning her whole weight against him. Jonas only laughed, smoothing back her hair to kiss her as Isak glared at them both for making noise.

They didn’t say much to each other as they packed up the tent--or, rather, Jonas packed up the tent and Isak and Eva pretended to help--or as they carried their stuff over to the dock, where Julian and the others were waiting. Isak boarded the little boat with a tired salute in Julian’s direction, glad to see that nobody else seemed up for morning chitchat.

As if the Oslo sky knew exactly how Isak felt, the second Isak stepped onboard it started raining. Because of course it did.

The short journey back across to the mainland was especially hellish. Honestly, Isak couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so gross. It was a small mercy that everyone on Julian’s father’s boat seemed to feel the same way, but Isak was secretly grateful when, five minutes in, he found himself puking his guts out in the tiny cabin bathroom.

At least it meant he could avoid Julian and Sara, who were dozing up top, wrapped in each other’s arms. Like nothing had even happened. Isak remembered every single detail from the night before... even if he didn’t quite want to. He wondered if Julian did, too.

Fucking hell.

He couldn’t believe he’d kissed Julian, of all people. Like, it wasn’t like it was actually his first kiss with a boy--he’d been kissed by one of Eskild’s friends at a party, once, though that had been considerably more chaste--but it was the first that felt significant.

Julian. What a terrible idea. Not because it wasn’t a good kiss, or anything, because it kind of was… but Isak was self-aware enough to know that he would never have gone for it if he hadn’t been feeling sad about Even. Even who had a girlfriend named Sonja, who he’d never ever mentioned the whole time Isak had known him.

At the thought, a stab of misery shot through Isak. Except, wait: that wasn’t misery.

Isak heaved into the toilet bowl again, groaning as the boat lurched in the waves of the fjord.

He fucking hated May 18th.

 

-

 

About an hour later, Isak trudged through the quiet kollektiv, put his phone on charge, and crawled straight under the covers. It was 16:00 by the time he woke up again, and even then it was only to the sound of Eskild knocking on his door, checking he’d made it back okay.

He and Eskild ate dry toast together on the sofa, and Eskild sipped gingerly from a mug of tea as he told Isak about his night--something about some drama with the girls and the boy Eskild had his eye on--until he finally took pity on Isak and sent him back to the comfort of his bed.

Lying there on top of the covers, he finally turned his phone back on. And immediately considered throwing it back under his bed: the notifications came in fast, more pinging up before he had a chance to take any of them in.

It was a small mercy that his phone was still on silent mode.

He muted the group chat, his head hurting too much to even consider reading through all the unread messages. It reminded him that he hadn’t watched the previous night’s episode yet--he didn’t want to be spoiled, if he could help it.

What did catch his eye, though, was a series of texts, increasingly desperate:

 

 **Jonas** **  
** 11:45 Issy I just remembered about the video  
I’m so sorry  
I can take it down now if you want but a lot of people have seen it  
12: 34: Isak???  
12:40: I didn’t tag you in it or anything  
14:01: Hello???

 

Isak… well. He hadn’t forgotten about the video, exactly, but it wasn’t even the lowest point of the night, as far as he was concerned. And he _had_ told Jonas to post it.

He wondered how bad it was, though, if Jonas was apologizing like this. Shooting off a reassuring text to his friend, he hauled his laptop up onto the bed, going straight to Jonas’s Tumblr page. He didn’t want to see any of the spoilers that would inevitably be on his dash.

There, right at the top, was the video. No tags, just a caption reading GRATLER MEDDAGNE YO with a bunch of emojis--which said a lot, honestly, about how drunk Jonas had been yesterday.

Four minutes, 37 seconds. How bad could it be?

 _Pretty fucking bad_ , sad the voice in Isak’s head, but now wasn’t the time to listen to it. Instead, Isak took a deep breath and pressed play.

The first thing he noticed about the video was Jonas’s shoddy camerawork--which, honestly, Isak was slightly grateful for. The video began with the camera on Jonas and Eva, grinning and kissing and saying ‘Gratulerer med dagen!’ together in sloppy unison. The camera shook as it panned around the rest of the crowd, waving and posing as they realized they were on film, before finally landing on a figure standing up in the middle, kicking off his shoes.

Isak watched himself on screen, facing the camera and wobbling as he shrugged off his jacket, his t-shirt. He didn’t remember standing there for that long, but video!Isak stood shirtless for a while, a bright grin on his face as he glanced off-camera--to where Sara was, Isak guessed. He actually looked really happy.

And then, the gang started chanting, and Isak groaned. As his video self ran off towards the shoreline, Isak was glad for the darkness, because even as Jonas zoomed in, the picture quality was shit. Two very blurry people at the shore stripped naked, just the outlines of the shape of them visible as they ran into the water, and then the camera was turned back on the others, shrieking and cheering until suddenly Isak was appearing on screen again, wet and blanket-clad. His smile was sleepy drunk: the last frame before the video cut to black.

It would have been fine, probably, Isak thought. It would have been no big deal. Except for the cheers of _Isak! Isak! Isak!_ and the fact that in a few weeks time, he would meet his fandom friends in person.

He couldn’t be Immy, now. Not to anybody who’d seen the video.

It wasn’t Jonas’s fault, though, Isak reasoned. He had been the one to tell him to post it, during his adrenaline-fueled moment of bravery. And… okay, so it was a bigger step than he might have taken sober, but Isak didn’t feel as afraid as he thought he might. Maybe some part of him, the night before, had known he was ready for this, that he could handle it. Maybe some part of him had wanted to face this.

Another part of him wondered what Even thought. Wondered if that’s why his drunk self had suggested it in the first place.

It was stupid, but Isak found himself holding his breath as he scrolled through the replies. Maybe Even hadn’t seen it, he thought… but then his heart skipped: there, beneath the frankly scary amount of _omg who is this_ comments, was one from Even.

 

 **bl0ndelvis  
** *heart eyes emoji*  
wow

 

Isak couldn’t bring himself to wonder what it meant. All he knew as he queued up the new episode was that his heart was beating too fast.

And when Tobias and Fredrik kissed, Even was all Isak could think about.

 

-

  
When Isak woke up the next morning, he felt significantly more human. That didn’t mean, though, that he was ready to face the messages waiting in his Tumblr inbox, or the kik chat--which, he realised, was still on mute.

It was a text, however, that really got him groaning, wishing he could go back under the covers and not come out.

 **Sara Nørrstelien**  
Hi Isak! Can we get a coffee today? We should talk about something.  <3

 

The timing was everything. Sara and Isak had barely spent a second together alone since middle school, on the few occasions they played third and fourth wheel to Ingrid and Jonas without Eva around. So: it was pretty clear what Sara wanted to talk about. Isak wished he could put it off, but there was no point prolonging it.

An hour later, he was sitting opposite her in a half-empty Espresso House.

The coffee felt like it took forever to come, but when it did, Isak sipped it gratefully, avoiding Sara’s inscrutable gaze. He knew it was coming before Sara even said it, and it scared the shit out of him.

“Julian told me what happened.”

Isak only nodded, not trusting himself to say anything.

“Isak,” Sara said, and then looked at him a bit too closely. “Don’t worry,” she lowered her voice. “I’m not going to tell anyone.”

Isak exhaled.

That was a relief, for sure... and it would be more of one if he actually believed her. He had no idea where she was going with this, but he had a feeling it wouldn’t be good.

“Okay?” Isak gave her a long look. “And you’re... fine with it?”

“Yes.” Sara smiled, now, taking a sip of her own coffee. “We have an agreement.”

It was the exact same thing Julian had said.

Isak didn’t quite buy it. He couldn’t stop himself from sounding suspicious about it, when he still felt like at any second Sara might pull the rug out from under him.

“What do you mean, ‘arrangement’?”

Sara flushed at that, oddly, and looked away.

For a second, they both sipped awkwardly at their drinks. Then, without preamble, Sara leaned forward, speaking quietly again.

“He said you haven’t texted him back.”

“Uh, no.”

_What the fuck?_

“Why? Aren’t you interested?”

“Do you _want_ me to be?”

Isak stared her down, completely confused. Sara seemed just as nervous as he did, now, and he couldn’t figure out why. What her game was.

Because it had to be a game, didn’t it? Some elaborate thing between Sara and Julian, designed to make fun of poor gay Isak?

He tried to put that thought out of his mind, but it wasn’t easy.

Sara blundered on.

“Look, Isak, I don’t mind. About any of it.”  
  
“You’re okay with your boyfriend being gay?”

Sara looked affronted, now.

“He isn’t gay,” she said, with an emphasis on the label. “You think we’re pretending to like each other?”

Isak didn’t know what to think, really, but he shook his head nonetheless.

“But you’re okay with him hooking up with other people?”

“If nobody finds out, then yes.”

“Don’t you think you deserve better?” He asked tentatively. He was starting to feel, now, like this wasn’t the conversation he’d thought he was going to have.

If anything, it seemed like Sara was encouraging him to hook up with her boyfriend. Which made no fucking sense… but when did Isak’s life ever?

“You’re not getting it,” Sara said, seemingly frustrated. “I like things this way.”

“I don’t understand,” he finally said. But then--

“Try,” Sara said, very quietly.

And just like that, Isak was back in his bedroom, a year and a half before, remembering how it felt to sit opposite Eskild. _I like someone_ , he’d confessed. _And I can’t sleep… I just think about it all the time._

He’d asked Eskild to guess who, and when Eskild had guessed Jonas, Isak had felt first, relief, before an inexplicable sense of shame that guessing had been so easy. That Eskild had known to guess a boy, when Isak hadn’t been brave enough to say it out loud yet.

Isak still wasn’t proud of the things he’d said to Eskild after that, but he’d always appreciated that Eskild had been there. That he’d been the first person Isak chose to tell… even if ‘telling’ wasn’t exactly how the whole thing had gone.

“Are you expecting me to guess?” Isak said, just as quietly, and Sara’s answering nod was grateful.

“Is he… polyamorous?”

“What’s that?”

Oh, right. To be fair, Isak hadn’t known what it meant before fandom, either.

“Where you don’t believe in like, just being with one person.”

“Oh.” Sara smiled, a little. “No, I don’t think so. Julian wouldn’t have a relationship with anyone else. “

“So just hookups?”

Sara nodded.

“Are you hooking up with other people?”

Sara shook her head, but widened her eyes. _Closer_ , she seemed to say. He was getting warmer. It wasn't about Julian. It was about Sara.

“Are you…” the thought struck Isak suddenly. “Are _you_ actually hooking up with Julian?”

Sara looked at him for a moment, then shook her head again.

“I mean. It depends what you mean by hooking up.”

“Fuck,” Isak said, more in surprise than anything else. He had a flash, all of a sudden, of the Sara he’d known before Julian, flirting so obviously with the most popular boys where everybody could see. How happy she looked when she kissed Julian, in comparison, but never dragged him off to quiet rooms the way she had William, or any of the Penetrator guys--who were only too willing, after, to brag about what she’d let them do.

Isak barely knew Sara, but there was something about the way she looked at him now that he recognized, bone deep.

“Are you, like… asexual?” he guessed.

Sara startled, like she hadn’t expected him to use that word. And honestly, a year ago Isak wouldn’t have used it either. Strange as it was to admit, being on Tumblr had given him a vocabulary for stuff like this.

“Like a plant?” she said, a little confused, and then took a deep breath. “I just don’t really like... sex,” she said.  
  
The air around them was tense, like she was waiting for Isak to react, but he didn’t know what she wanted from him. Honestly, he barely knew how they were having this conversation at all.

What he did know what it was like to be the person sitting there waiting for a response.

“Okay,” he said simply. “That’s chill.”

With that, Sara seemed to deflate.

“The other Pepsi-Max girls would laugh at me if they knew,” she said in a rush. “I just got so _sick_ of them expecting me to hook up with the hottest guys because I’m like, the bus boss and stuff. Ingrid said it’s just the way it is, boys our age don’t know what they’re doing so it isn’t that good…”

Isak frowned, and Sara trailed off.

“You can’t tell anyone,” she said in a rush, and Isak shook his head.

“I’m gay,” he said--out loud--for the first time in a very long time. It startled him, almost how naturally it came, even in such a private moment. “I’m good at keeping secrets like this.”

 

-

 

Ten minutes of stilted conversation later, Sara and Isak finally parted ways, with Sara making him promise to text Julian, and Isak walked back to the kollektiv to clear his head from the emotional rollercoaster of it all.

He’d never even looked at Julian in that way before now--and not just because he was with Sara. And he couldn’t pretend he hadn’t enjoyed kissing him, the next before, but was messing around with him worth the drama? Did he really want to hook up with someone, if it wasn’t going to go anywhere?

Was that the kind of person he was?

Once Isak got home, it took him another hour or so to work up the courage to unmute and read back through the group chat. As much as he’d hoped they’d be talking about the episode, he knew there wasn’t really much to say. To his complete lack of surprise, they were speculating, instead, about the ‘mystery boy’ in Jonas’s video.

 

 **reggismeggis  
** Omg jonas tho  
That hair  <3  
Look at those angel curls

 **waffles95  
** I’m curious tbh  
Not for the same reason as Mags haha  
He wilding

 **reggismeggis  
**

**purrfectlypink  
** Hihihihi he is very handsome

 **reggismeggis  
** More handsome than me?!!?

 **purrfectlypink  
** Don’t be rude, we’re not talking about you right now  
  
**loglady92**  
Hi everyone, I’m just catching up. Wow!  
Jonas did you get permission to post this?

 **starinthrumyrearview  
** Good question

 **Mohning141** **  
** Of course he did!  
  
**pilsmanns**  
OMG you’re alive!  
Eva tell me everything  
Who is this boy and when can I get on his dick  
  
**jobrows  
** Oh my God

 **mohning141**  
Oh my God

 **jobrows  
** Hahahahahaha

 **mohning141  
** Hi guys  <3  
Wow we were so hungover yesterday!

 **starinthrumyrearview**  
Norwegians and May 17  
Haha

 **mohning141** **  
** Just checked notifications, sorry <3

**reggismeggis**

No but really Jonas straight up  
You posted a video of some guy stripping  
We need info bro  
  
**starinthrumyrearview** **  
** I bet immy liked it… ;)  
  
**bl0ndelvis**  
xD xD omg  
I bet

 **starinthrumyrearview**  
Even do you know something?

 **pilsmanns**  
OMG EVEN WHO IS THIS  
  
**reggismeggis**  
TELL US

Isak was going to see them in less than a month. They would find out sooner rather than later, so wasn’t it best to tell them now, where he didn’t have to deal with their reactions in person?

This way, it wouldn’t be some secret Even could act like they shared. There would be no winking comments, or teasing Magnus--no more speculation from the gang about how and why Even knew something.

Isak could do this. It wasn’t like it was all of Tumblr: it was just his group chat.

He could trust them… right?

 **imilluminatii  
** Jesus christ guys chill  
It’s me okay  
You’re gonna find out at the meetup anyway so.  
Hi, I’m Isak.

 

\--

 

Isak left the group chat to their shock. He wasn’t at all surprised, though, to get a Tumblr message from Even soon after, full of exclamation points and innuendo.

 

 **bl0ndelvis  
** So you’ve revealed yourself ;) in more ways than one!!!  
Haha kidding. Sort of.  
Does this mean we can finally video chat now?!!

 

Isak had barely made himself type a response--the world’s most laboured _haha yeah :)_ ever, for sure--when the telltale Skype sound blared out of his laptop speakers.

Isak’s heart leapt.

Before, Isak would have been scrambling to accept the call, but now he just sat and watched until it finally stopped ringing.

He’d thought he’d be excited for this, but now the prospect was here…

Isak didn’t know what to feel.

The thing was, how was he supposed to look at Even’s face and pretend he wasn’t disappointed? How was he supposed to hide the look on his _own_ face, in Even’s presence? The inevitable way his smile would soften, or his breath would catch when Even did something sweet or sexy.

His crush could be seen from space.

He didn’t know what to say to Even--didn’t know what to do at all except to hope that Even hadn’t known how serious Isak had been in his flirting back. Even clearly hadn’t meant anything by his behaviour… but to Isak it meant the world. Isak had tried not to hope, but he’d really started to believe that Jonas and Eva might be right--that Even might be as fascinated by him as he was by Even.

It was the disappointment that sucked. It wasn’t like getting over Jonas, because he’d always known Jonas wouldn’t be his. Even, though… improbable as they were, he’d started picturing scenarios. Ways it might begin, or work out, against all odds, because they just liked each other _that much_.

How do you get over someone after you’ve let yourself be half-convinced they feel the same?

It sucked because, this was the sort of question Isak would usually shout into the void on Tumblr: the sort of dilemma he’d usually put into a frustrated rant of a text post like a message in a bottle, and see who felt like picking it up.

What do you do when your one outlet for talking frankly about your problems becomes the one place you can’t share them?

He had too many fucking questions.

Isak stared mournfully at the blank text post, opened without thinking, before discarding the draft unwritten. He couldn’t talk about Julian without outing him to Jonas and Eva, and he couldn’t discuss the Even situation without everyone, Even included, being uncomfortably aware of who he was talking about.

Isak closed his computer, pull on his softest hoodie, and trudged into the kitchen.

 

-

 

The second message from Julian had come in not long after Isak got back from coffee with Sara. He’d been trying not to think about it, honestly, but by 19:00 he felt a little bad that he still hadn’t answered it.

 

 **Julian Dahl**  
So Sara said you guys talked  
My parents are gone tonight if you want to come over  
Netflix and chill ;)

 

Isak didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know whether to say yes or no--and if he said no, how he’d say it. Because Julian knew as well as Isak did that he’d enjoyed kissing him, even despite him being with Sara. Isak was really fucking tempted. And he didn’t know what to do with that.

If Isak couldn’t ask Tumblr, and he couldn’t tell Jonas and Eva, there was just one person left he could ask about it.

“Eskild,” he said, leaning against the countertop as Eskild poked at a pan of pasta. “What if hypothetically, you knew a guy… and he had a girlfriend but said he wanted to hook up on the side. And like, she was okay with it.”

It hadn’t been Isak’s greatest lead in to a heart-to-heart with Eskild, admittedly. Although, to be fair, Isak usually needed to be needled into them. This time, he’d caught his friend completely unaware in the middle of making dinner and thrown it all out there without preamble… which was probably at least a little bit unnerving.

Usually thrilled to be ‘guru-advising’, Eskild now simply stopped stirring, looking Isak in the eye with an expression of surprise and disappointment.

“Even has a girlfriend?”

“What?” Now it was Isak’s turn to be surprised. “How do you know about Even?”

He sure as hell hadn’t told him. It was embarrassing enough to tell someone about a crush--but a crush on someone you hadn’t even met?

That was worse than embarrassing.

But Eskild simply smiled, his mouth twisting in amusement.

“Isak, the walls here are pretty thin. I hear you skyping with him.” He paused for dramatic effect. “Also, I may have seen his name come up on your phone once or maybe one hundred times.”

“Fuck.”

Eskild turned down the heat under the pasta and put down the spoon, turning his full attention to Isak.

“So Even has a girlfriend?” He asked, and Isak sighed--because yes, he did, and that was a whole other dilemma to deal with.

“No,” Isak shook his head, then sighed. “Well, yes. But I’m not talking about Even. It’s… One of my friends in real life.”

Eskild’s eyes lit up, his tone turning scandalized.

“Do I know them?”

“Eskild,” Isak warned.

“Hmm, okay, we’ll come back to that,” Eskild waved his hand like it was a given, and Isak tried not to narrow his eyes too much. “Well, from my experience,” he mused, “there are very few girls who are okay with that, and very many boys who say they are to get in your trousers.”

That’s what Isak had thought about Sara, before, but now he knew better.

“But like… if she said she was okay with it. And like, encouraged it.”

“Kinky,” Eskild winked. “Well, then, forget about the girlfriend for a second. Do you want to _get naked_ with this boy?”

“I don’t know!” Isak tried not to get flustered. “I don’t know. I just feel like… I have to do it at some point. So why not do it with someone I trust?”

Eskild looked at him for a long moment, then shook his head.

“Look. Baby Jesus. You don’t _have to_ do anything. If you want to wait for romance, that’s fine.”

Which... what? Eskild made it sound like Isak was some romantic heroine, swooning about the place waiting for the one. That wasn’t it at all.

Isak was just… unsure.

“I’m not waiting for _romance_ ,” Isak said. “That’s not… ugh.”

“But you like this Even person,” Eskild replied. “Like, you _really_ like him.”

“He has a girlfriend,” Isak said again, and Eskild shook his head.

“But if he’d asked you to hook up, girlfriend or not, you wouldn’t be asking me these questions.”

Well, shit. Isak forgot, sometimes, that for all his dramatics, Eskild actually knew him well.

He shrugged, trying not to let the truth of Eskild’s words get to him.

But… He was right. Of course.

“Just don’t rush into something you’re going to regret,” Eskild continued, a serious expression on his face. “And always be safe…”

As Eskild started up into one of his usual rambling lessons about condoms and protection, Isak’s phone buzzed in his pocket, and he gladly fished it out. He loved Eskild like a big brother, but sometimes the embarrassment was seriously real.

To Isak’s complete lack of surprise, it was another message from Even, this one almost sheepish in tone.

 

 **bl0ndelvis  
** _Sorry if that was too eager. Skype tonight, though?_

 

Fuck. Eskild kept talking, but Isak stared at the phone screen, wishing Even would say something more.

‘Haha I don’t really have a girlfriend,’ maybe. ‘Let’s have Skype sex and say each other’s names a lot.’

Isak was fucking pathetic.

He switched back to Julian’s message. _Netflix and chill._ At least it was better than most of the shit Eskild read him off of Grindr. It sounded pretty innocent, actually. Isak could picture it now--some awkward kissing, maybe a handjob. Someone else’s hand on his dick.

It wouldn’t be the worst thing.

But then, he could spend tonight staring at Even’s face. Talking to Even, hearing him get stupidly passionate about some film and watching his eyes light up as he described it.

Isak imagined Julian’s hands on him, stroking him hard and fast. He imagined Even’s face through a screen, making his heart squeeze with want and disappointment all at once. Julian, reality. Even, a fantasy. What he wanted or what he could have. Skype with Even, or mess around with Julian? Isak couldn’t believe he was making this choice.

Fuck it.

Making a decision, he typed out two messages.

 _Can’t tonight. Rain check?_  
  
_Give me ten minutes._

With a deep breath, Isak pressed send.

“Thanks, Eskild,” he said, tucking his phone back into his pocket. “That really helped.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sara is ace in this fic, and Magnus is bi. Vilde, though not evident from this chapter, is bi and demi. Mahdi's figuring shit out.
> 
> Part of the reason for this is that fandom is, by nature, often full of people who are not straight, and you don't see many straight men. In Sara's case, it's because I couldn't get the headcanon out of my head. I wanted a parallel to her sort of being a beard for Isak, but in this universe we figure out why she's willing to do so. It doesn't mean she's suddenly a nicer person, of course.


	8. juliak?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bl0ndelvis:  
> I don’t know.  
> Sometimes people don’t get their happy ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me!
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to my girl colazitron, without whom I'd still be floundering about choosing between Julian and Even. JEG ER GLAD I DEG, GIRL.

  
“Do you want a drink?”

Yes. Isak really did.

Isak had been nervous the whole journey to Julian’s, but now he was in his living room, it started to sink in that he was really doing this.  
  
When Julian had opened the door to him, the expression on his face had been wide-eyed and eager, and Isak had felt the lurching sensation of fear in his stomach. At first, that was all there was, and he’d wondered if he was making a mistake, but now…? Standing in his socks, his jacket thrown over a chair--there was also something thrilling to it.

He’d imagined having sex so many times--read and written about it so many times--that actually doing it, in any form, felt long overdue. He wanted to feel all the things he’d written about feeling. He wanted to feel new things he hadn’t even known he should imagine feeling.

Isak had thought about saying no to Julian, but in the end, he just... hadn’t wanted to. It was scary to say yes, but he knew he’d regret, after, it if he didn’t take this chance. Who knew when he’d get another one like it?

Julian, for all that Isak hadn’t noticed him that way before, was nice. He had a nice body. His arms, around Isak, had felt strong; his shoulders were broad--

Julian cleared his throat, and Isak focused on the question.

“Do you want a drink?” Julian asked again, and Isak shook his head.

He would do this sober, if he was going to do it at all.

“Uh… no. Thanks.”

When Julian led Isak towards his bedroom, Isak followed without another word. It was a nice room--Isak had been there once before, when he’d stayed the night after a party--but completely devoid of character. Fitting, Isak supposed, because he’d known Julian for over a year now and still knew very little about him.

He was about to learn some more, at least.

“So.”

“So.”

Julian looked him up and down.

“Do you want to--”

“We should probably talk first?” Isak interrupted, and Julian jumped back, almost comically.

“Okay?” Julian said, his face coloured with surprise. “What do we need to talk about?”

He sat down on the edge of his bed--a dent in the pristinely white canvas of it--and Isak gingerly took a seat beside him, wincing a little as the bedsprings creaked.

Julian’s nerves were becoming more obvious, the longer he sat there, and Isak couldn’t help but ask him:

“Have you… done anything before? With guys?”

It was the first question that came to mind, but as Julian looked into his eyes Isak mostly knew the answer. From that expression on his face, that strange mix of wonder and fear starting to show, Isak found it hard to believe Julian had had a parade of boys hopping in and out of his bed.

“No. You’re the first one.”

Isak couldn’t help but wonder why. Not why Julian had never done it before--Isak knew only too well about being in the closet at Nissen--but why he’d made his first move on Isak, who had never shown him any particular interest.

“How did you know? About me, I mean?”

Julian smiled a bit, at that, his eyes flickering down to Isak’s lips as if he was remembering.

“I didn’t, really. I just went for it.”

Julian swallowed, and Isak’s eyes tracked the movement.

Isak remembered, too. He remembered liking it. Just like he liked the way Julian was looking at him now.

He tried to remember all the things Noora had ever said about healthy communication and sex. It would be far too easy just to grab Julian and kiss him--but Isak needed to know, first, that this was the right thing. That things wouldn’t go horribly wrong.

“And this is just like, fuck buddies?” That was nice and clear, Isak thought. Not that they were words he ever thought he’d say. “Like, it’s just messing around?”

Julian nodded, looking more uncomfortable again now.

“Right,” Isak said, and then looked at the distance between him and Julian.

“And is there anything I shouldn’t do?” He asked.

That was the most important question, really, he decided. Julian had a girlfriend and there was a line; Isak just needed to know where it was so he didn’t cross it. “I don’t want to upset things with you and Sara.”

Julian smiled more at the mention of her name, then shrugged.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “Probably no marks? And she probably wouldn’t like it if you stayed over. This is...”

He trailed off, and Isak waited for him to continue.

“New,” Julian said, finally.

Quiet settled over them, then.

For a moment, Isak regretted the whole ‘talking’ thing. He could have just turned up at Julian’s, kissed him straight on the mouth, had one of those scenes like in the movies, kissed their way down the hall as they pulled off each other’s clothes. They could have talked in the afterglow, when nothing would be awkward and the tension would be gone.

Instead, Isak was left with a whole person-sized gap between him and Julian, and neither of them really knew how to bridge it. It was strange, really, seeing someone usually so confident become so hesitant. Julian cleared his throat once more.

“Can we just, like,” he trailed off again, gesturing vaguely at Isak’s body. “I don’t know. Can’t we talk later?”

He moved closer, and Isak felt his breath quicken at the proximity.

He’d spent a lot of time, lately, wondering what it was he wanted. But right now, it seemed, there was a way he could find out, and Julian was ready and willing to help.

Isak moved forward, and kissed him.

There were no fireworks, but that was okay.

 

\--

  
Afterwards, catching his breath beside Julian, Isak couldn’t help but stare.

They were both naked, dicks flagging as they softened against their thighs. Julian’s chest was flushed pink, and Isak’s gaze trailed down from his chest to the dark line of hair below his belly, now covered by Isak’s own come.

Objectively, dicks were ridiculous-looking. Yet the sight still sent a shock of arousal through Isak--even though it was too soon for him to want to get hard again--and he couldn’t help but feel embarrassed by it.

This was the part his reading had never warned him for. The vulnerability of being naked, post-orgasm, too boneless to leave but aware that he couldn’t stay. When Isak wrote Tobias and Fredrik, they curled together after sex, sweat-damp and happy, but Isak couldn’t imagine doing that with Julian. Julian already had his phone out, texting Sara, and Isak felt no inclination to rest his head on Julian’s shoulder or kiss him again.

Not because the sex was bad. Because, for all Isak could tell, with no point of comparison, the sex was pretty good. There had been some awkwardness, but it had been nice. Julian had seemed to expect him to make more noises, apparently, but soon caught on that it didn’t come naturally to Isak. Julian, on the other hand, had only been quietened by Isak’s dick in his mouth--which, Isak had to admit, felt a million times better than the few blowjobs he’d ever had from a girl. A mouth wasn’t just a mouth.

The sex had probably been worth the awkwardness. Isak had enjoyed himself, 10/10 would try it again. But he hadn’t felt anything, at the end of it, apart from the satisfaction of getting off and a vague sense of pride at having gone through with it. Was that how it was supposed to feel?

Would it feel different, Isak wondered, if he’d done the same thing with Even? With someone he really liked?

“I should go,” he said, and Julian lifted his eyes from his phone to smile.

“Okay,” he said. He waited until Isak had climbed out of bed, fumbled to find his clothes where they were discarded on the floor. Isak was wiping off his stomach with tissues from the box beside Julian’s bed when Julian reached out, fingers trailing down Isak’s arm.  “Could we maybe do this again, soon?”

It would be simple to carry on doing this, Isak realized. No feelings, no worries.

Julian’s phone began to ring, then, and Isak didn’t need to look at the screen to know who was calling. In that moment, Isak found himself fervently wishing he had somebody to call, too.

“Text me,” Isak said. “I’ll let you know.”

 

-

 

 **jobrows**   
Why are you ignoring Even   
He’s sent me like three messages asking if you’re okay   
  
**imilluminatii**   
I’m on my way to your place. On the tram.   
Why are you Tumblring me   
  
**jobrows**   
Answer the question

 **imilluminatii**   
Bro  
  
**jobrows  
** …

 **imilluminatii  
** I’m not ignoring him   
Just busy   
  
**jobrows**   
Yeah right   
  
**imilluminatii  
** He has a girlfriend

**jobrows  
  
**

  
  
“Shit,” Jonas said, as he opened the door to his flat. “When did you find that out?”

“May 17,” Isak said, following Jonas inside and flopping down on his sofa.

It was a rare occasion to find that not only were Jonas’s family gone, but Eva was busy for the day--buying an outfit for the meetup, Jonas had claimed that morning. Isak hadn’t asked whether he should be doing the same.

There was no point now, really. Isak didn’t give a shit about fashion, and he wasn’t going to start now for some boy who wouldn’t even look at him twice.

As time passed, Isak admitted, he was getting more and more bitter about the Even news.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jonas asked, tentatively. “Fuck, sorry, man. I would never have encouraged you--”

“It’s chill,” Isak cut him off.

Honestly, he’d rather not talk about it.

“Can we just play fifa?” He asked, and Jonas nodded.

Isak could handle that. Settling into his usual spot, controllers in his hand--that was a familiar feeling, something he’d been doing for years. He didn’t want to think about Even, or explain to Jonas why he was ‘ignoring’ his enthusiastic messages about chatting.

Avoiding was a better word. Isak could talk to him just fine, with messaging, but he wasn’t quite ready to Skype, lest his feelings be written all over his face. It would be less awkward for everybody involved if he could just have a little more time.

They didn’t have much of it, to Isak’s dismay. In a week’s time, he and Even would be meeting, and Isak would have to be chill and not at all give away the fact that he’d been hardcore crushing on his internet friend, as if it would ever be real.

About an hour into his and Jonas’s gaming time, an email arrived that only served to drive that point home.

 

-

To: evakviig14@hotmail.com, jonas9000@gmail.com, imilluminatii99@gmail.com, chrisb6@hotmail.co.uk, thefriendlyghost@btinternet.com, ebnaes@hil.no, mobouk@hil.no, nasaetre@uu.se, m.vossbeck@hu-berlin.de, mahahadi@gmail.com,   
CC: sbakkoush@home.se

Subject: ITINERARY FOR MXM MEETUP!!

 

Hi everyone!

I hope you’re all having a wonderful day. Sana and I have put together a little plan for next week so that we will all have a nice time and not have to stress :) please let us know if you have any questions...

  
-

 **Tuesday:  
****  
15:00** People can start checking into hotel rooms! Message the chat when you have arrived :)  
**  
18:45** I have reserved us two tables at Il Forno Italiano (yes!! You know this place!!) on Sankt Olofsgatan for  19:00. We will walk together from the hotel at 18:45.

 **21:00** Hangout in the hotel bar with other MxM fans (we have spoken to some of the other groups going from Tumblr and Twitter and everyone is keen if you are feeling up to it).

-

 **Wednesday:  
****  
11:00** Brunch at Noora’s apartment (please tell her if you have any diet requirements). Noora will meet us in the hotel at  11:00 to go back there together :)  
**  
13:00-17:30** Free time for sightseeing! Don’t forget to buy food to bring to the screening as we will not have time to eat if we want to get the best seats  <3   
Remember: no alcohol at the screening :(  
**  
17:30** Arrive at  Stadsträdgården to get good seats for screening! Noora will bring blankets.

 **19:00-20:00** Screening of the last ever episode of MxM :’(

 **20:00-21:00** Panel featuring THE WHOLE MAIN CAST AAAAAH

 **22:00** I will be hosting a pregame in my room for anyone who wants to go out! We are thinking we will go to Katalin <http://www.katalin.com/> (sorry if you are not 20 yet but you are still welcome to the pregame!)

 **-  
  
Thursday:  
** **  
9:00** On Thursday I know some of you are checking out :(, but we will be having a picnic breakfast in Slottsparken from 9:00 onwards if anyone is still there and likes to join us!

Let me know if you have any questions!

Vilde xoxoxoxox

 

-

  
“Wow, Vilde and Sana are really on top of it,” Jonas said, skimming through.

Unsurprisingly, Isak was too distracted scrutinizing the recipients list. Seeing Even’s name there had made his breath catch, a little, as stupid as that was.

“Who is ‘mobouk’?” He asked, wondering at the email address. With that ending, it had to be someone else from the film school--one of Even’s friends, probably. Who was the guy who got Even into fandom? Was he a film student too? “Is Even bringing someone?”

Jonas scanned the list for himself.

“The friendly ghost? Who the fuck?” he said, then drew his eyebrows together as he considered Even’s mystery friend. “Huh.”

“Do you think it’s that video guy? The one Even tags sometimes?” Isak asked, already switching over to Tumblr to search for him.

He looked up, to find Jonas giving him a strange look--somewhere between exasperation and fondness.

“You know you could just ask Even,” Jonas said. “If you care so much.”

Isak cared too much, and Jonas knew it.

That was exactly the problem.

Isak put down his phone.

 

-

 

 **JD  
** Thanks for last night. Wanna come over tomorrow?  
Free house from 15:00

Yeah.  
See you then.

 

-

  
Isak spent the runup to the penultimate episode in a weird place. Now that it was summer, he was writing more than ever, mostly spending his other time with Eva and Jonas, which was normal, or with Julian, which wasn’t. The group chat was ticking along, a constant stream of chatter that Isak sometimes struggled to keep up with, and Isak still spent plenty of time messaging Sana and Magnus in private. That was all the same.

It wasn’t that he’d stopped talking to Even, because they still chatted pretty much every day, on and off. It wasn’t even that their conversations were any less interesting than they’d been, but--Isak couldn’t explain it. It felt different, now that he wasn’t reading the world into every little word Even typed. Every time they talked, he went through a weird cycle of embarrassment-disappointment-infatuation-remembering--and through it all, Even’s behaviour remained consistent. Flirty, pushing him, trying to get close.

Isak didn’t know how to let him.

With everything as it was, time was moving strangely slowly--which made the episode, when it dropped, a bigger bombshell than Isak could have prepared himself for.

 **  
jobrows  
** What?!

 **waffles95  
** Wow, they didn’t

 **mohning141  
** ARE YOU KIDDING MxM YOU CANNOT BREAK THEM UP

 **reggismeggis  
** !!!!!!!  
:’(

 **mohning141  
** WHERE IS NOORA I NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS

 **waffles95  
** She’s timing   
She and Sana are subbing tonight

 **mohning141  
** :’(((((

 **reggismeggis**   
Has anyone heard from Vilde   
Or Immy  
*sorry Isak lol

**imilluminatii**

I’m here  
I’m so angry!

 **purrfectlypink  
** I’m here but I’m too sad to talk right nowww

 **imilluminatii  
** What the fuck, why would they do this.  
They have to get back together!  
They only have one more episode

 **jobrows  
** Unless they get them back together next season  
You still think it’ll be #Fredrik4Season4?

 **waffles95**   
Nah man   
Did you hear the rumour that they might not make season four

 **imilluminatii  
**!!!!!!?!?!?!

 **reggismeggis**   
WHAT

 **mohning141**   
AESDTYGKH

 **jobrows  
** The Swedes get all the gossip   
Where did you hear that?

 **bl0ndelvis  
** I heard that too but I hoped it was just a rumour   
  
**reggismeggis**   
BRO hi but also why didn’t you say so

 **imilluminatii**   
Shit   
I don’t know what I’ll do if it ends and they’re not together   
  
**mohning141  
**   
you’re all scaring me

 **mahdi**  
Lol chill  
They’ll get back together in the finale if it's the last episode ever, come on

 **mohning141**   
but they wouldn’t just end it, would they?

  
Fuck, Isak couldn’t bear to think about the show ending.

Not now. He wasn’t ready.

This show had meant more to him than he ever could have imagined, when he started watching it. The show, and later the fandom, had rescued him. It had made him feel less alone and more like himself. It had saved his friendships with Jonas and Eva, and it had made Isak brave, given him something to focus on when the insecurities and fears tried to keep him from sleeping.

So many sleepless nights, Isak had found himself sitting up in bed, rewatching Vera punch out Calle or Malin crying on Maja’s shoulder. He’d wake up in the morning to a set of incomprehensible notes on his phone labelled ‘football au’ or ‘wrong number 5+1’. He and Eva had an entire google drive folder of _tobrik hcs lol ;)_ full of chatfic from the early hours of the morning, little snippets he’d sent her when he couldn’t sleep that she’d run with. Half of them had never seen the light of day, but they made Isak happy to read.

The show had really changed Isak’s life.

It wasn’t just Tobias, and his story--as much as Tobias’s experiences with the closet reminded Isak of his own. It was Malin, too, and seeing her struggle with her mental health, that had made Isak not only examine his own but see his mother differently, too. It was Vera, and her loneliness, the feeling that nobody could understand her, and how it opened his eyes to his own privileges even as he identified with her. He’d learned so much, from the show and from other fans, that had made him a better person, more understanding, more brave.

He wasn’t ready to let that go.

Isak’s concentration was broken by a new text message, and he swiped it open without thinking.  


 

**JD**

[dick pic.img]

Can I come over tomorrow?

 

You know this is what snapchat is for?

 

You don’t want to keep it forever?  
:’(

Lol. See you tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And check your snaps  
;)

  
-

 

Twenty minutes later, once he’d cleaned himself up, Isak checked back in on the group chat.

Maybe it helped that he’d gotten off, but he was feeling less stressed about the rumours, now. He scrolled up, through Eva’s long and teary rant to Noora to a message from Even, right where Isak had left off.

 **  
bl0ndelvis  
** I don’t know.   
Sometimes people don’t get their happy ending.

 

 _Well, fuck_ , Isak thought, going cold. What did Even mean by that?

Isak had been trying to move on from Even, but he couldn’t pretend he didn’t care about him. There was something about that comment that sent up alarm bells in Isak’s mind, and he couldn’t ignore them.

He sent Even a private message, fervently hoping that he was still looking at his phone.

 

 **imilluminatii  
** Are you okay?

  
It took just seconds for Even to text back, and Isak breathed a sigh of relief as the message appeared on his screen.

  
**bl0ndelvis**   
Yeah, why?

 **imilluminatii  
** Saw your comment in the gc.   
It was heavy.

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Oh

 

He didn’t say anything else, and Isak frowned. There were those alarm bells, again.

Maybe it was because of the worry, but Isak barely thought about what he was going to say before he said it.

 **  
imilluminatii  
** Are you free tonight?   
Do you maybe want to Skype?

 **Bl0ndelvis  
** Yes, I'd like that  
If you’re not too busy

  
Isak tried not to read anything into that message.

 **  
imilluminatii  
** I’m not too busy

 

\--

 

When the video finally loaded, Isak took a deep breath. He hadn’t thought to change, or anything, just sat there on his bed one of Eskild’s t-shirts with his duvet over his legs. Not that Even would judge him, he knew... but this wasn't something he'd planned. If he had, he might've put a little more effort in.

He didn’t know if Even looked different to the last time they’d Skyped. Maybe a little more tired, despite it only being 21:00. His hair, this time, was hidden beneath a hoodie--it was a cool night, even for May--but the smile Even gave him seemed genuine.

“Wow. We meet at last.”

“Hi, Even.”

“Hi, Isak.”

His voice was a little rough, and Isak couldn’t help himself. He had to check.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. I’m just… bad day.”

What did that mean?

Isak didn’t know how to ask the difference between a bad day, and like, a bipolar bad day.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and Even shrugged, the movement casting more light on his face. 

He looked okay.

"Just fighting with my parents," Even admitted, then his mouth twisted into a smile. “It’s looking up now, though.”

Isak mentally kicked himself. _This_ was why he’d been putting off this Skype conversation for so long, after all. Even flirted with him as easily as breathing, and he couldn’t hide his visceral reaction to it.

On screen, Even’s smile widened, and Isak shook his head, trying to shake off the effect it had on him. That smile… Isak almost felt blinded by it, how radiant it was.

“Why are you grinning like that?”

“I’m just looking at you,” Even teased, like he was unaware of Isak’s inner turmoil. “Is that okay?”

Fucking hell. Isak wanted to shut the flirting down, but he couldn’t think of anything clever to say.

“Are you gonna become a creepy stalker now?” he tried, but Even just looked delighted by it. On the plus side, any hint of tiredness seemed to have left his face. On the other hand… like, damn, Even was beautiful when he was happy.

“What do you mean, become?” Even joked. “All this effort for nothing, jeez.”

“Not for nothing,” Isak admitted. “I showed my face, didn’t I?”

“You did. It’s a good face,” Even answered. He paused, and Isak held his breath, wondering what would come next. “Isak, is this weird for you?”

 _Finally_ , Isak thought. Even must have noticed Isak’s discomfort.

Perhaps that was the moment Isak should have told Even _stop flirting with me, you have a girlfriend._ Or, in Jonas’s words, _yo dude, call me when you’re single._ But Isak thought about actually saying those words, of acknowledging Even’s flirting, and he couldn’t do it. It was giving away too much, telling Even that it meant something to him.

_Stop flirting with me, Even. I like it too much._

“No… I mean. I don’t find anything weird.”

“So it’s chill with you, talking like this?” Even continued. “I wasn’t sure you wanted to, the last time I asked.”

He looked nervous, almost, and Isak stopped himself from telling the truth. Because Isak _had_ wanted to. That wasn’t the problem.

“No, I did. I just had some like… real life stuff.”

“Real life stuff?”

“You know, like, things happening in my real life.”

“As opposed to me, your fantasy life?”

Even smirked, but there was something curious in his face, and Isak didn’t know how to read it.

“More like nightmare.” Isak joked. “No, you know what I mean.”

“I do. I guess it’s just weird hearing it, the other way around.”

“What?”

Even shrugged.

“Like someone else doesn’t think of you as being real. I don’t know.”

That wasn’t what Isak had meant--but now Even said it, Isak started thinking about the distinction he’d been making in his head. How he’d put Even very clearly in a box in his head marked ‘hopes and dreams’, now, rather than ‘reality’.

“Obviously I know you’re real…” he began, but--

“No, I know what you meant,” Even said, letting him off the hook. He paused, then spoke slowly, like he was thinking it through for himself. “I was just thinking… you seem more real to me, now.”

“Now you’ve seen me?” Isak asked.

“Yeah, something like that,” Even smiled.

They were quiet for a long moment, after that. Brief though it was, the silence was comfortable. Isak took in the picture of Even on his screen, greedily absorbing the sight of his face in motion even as he knew it wasn’t a healthy route to moving on.

“It just occurred to me that we’re going to meet next week,” Even said. “I can’t wait.”

And that didn’t help him move on, either.

“Yeah,” Isak answered. He kept his tone neutral even as he felt himself inwardly celebrating. “It’ll be cool to meet everyone.”

He deliberately chose to interpret Even’s ‘we’ as ‘the whole gang’, as much as he wished it was personal.

“I can finally get a selfie with my favourite writer,” Even replied, and Isak couldn’t help but smile.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I can’t wait to hang with Vilde,” he said, and Isak almost choked on a laugh.

“Vilde?!” He asked, narrowing his eyes playfully. “Really, Vilde?”

Even laughed out loud, and Isak’s fingers itched to take a screenshot again. To capture that look, and remember that Isak had put it on his face.

He’d been caught before, though. It would be worse than embarrassing a second time.

Instead, he steered the conversation to Even’s latest video--an edit of Tobrik smoking together set to “High by the Riverside”--and let Even ramble on about his plan for a breakup edit if they didn’t reunite in the finale, trying not to seem too smitten by Even’s excited gestures.

It was gone midnight by the time they finally hung up.

 

**-**

The Saturday before the meetup, Jonas and Eva dragged Isak to a party with Trygve’s friends.

Isak had tried to beg off of going, but Eva had been insistent. It was weird for him, though, when he got there and saw Sara cosied up in Julian’s arms on the sofa, turning her face to kiss him hungrily in front of everyone. Julian caught his eye and winked--and that made it worse, somehow, because Jonas turned to Isak with a confused look that he could only shrug at.

Isak really didn’t want to be there. He wanted to be at home, finishing the edits to his new chapter. Magnus had been raving about the new sex scenes--to kind of an alarming extent, honestly--and Isak had been excited about getting it out there, tonight. Not because he wanted it to be hot for Even, or anything. Just… because.

Instead, Isak was at a party, standing awkwardly with a single can of beer as everyone around him hooked up and got steadily drunker.

Finally, Eva grew tired of trying to make them dance, and Jonas and Isak shared a single glance before heading outside. The one good thing about Trygve’s crowd was the weed supply--it was pretty easy to buy a joint from Ingrid’s brother and sneak into the garden to smoke it.

Perhaps it was the chill in the air, or the rain on the grass, but they were alone as they settled on the edge of the damp wooden deck.

“What’s up with you tonight? Is it Even stuff, still?”

Jonas lit the joint with practiced ease, and Isak watched out of habit. It was nice to watch without obsessing over Jonas’s fingers.

“Nah. That’s the same as ever,” Isak sighed.

“Sucks.”

“Yeah.”

Jonas inhaled, keeping the smoke in his throat for a moment before exhaling, passing the joint over to Isak.

For a while, they smoked in silence, passing it back and forth. The nice thing about jay, Isak thought, was that it could make him feel quiet all over. Like the thoughts in his head were narrowed down to only what was at the very forefront of his mind.

As it was, Isak couldn’t stop thinking about Julian and Sara.

He kept thinking about that kiss, but he didn’t know how to feel about it. It wasn’t jealousy. If anything he was sad for Sara, putting on that show for everyone else… but wasn’t Isak doing the exact same thing?

“If I tell you something, you have to promise not to judge me,” he told Jonas, and Jonas only nodded.

“When do I ever judge you?”

That was a question for another time, Isak thought. He loved Jonas, but he hadn’t always been as ‘woke’ as he was now.

“I hooked up with Julian.” Quick and easy. That was the way to tell him.

Jonas didn’t seem all that surprised--just nodded, taking a drag from the joint.

“On May 17?”

“Yeah. How’d you guess?”

“I dunno. Things were just weird, when we found you.”

That was the thing about Jonas. When it came to Isak, he paid attention. Isak had never figured out how Jonas hadn’t known how he felt about him.

“Sara knows,” Isak said, and Jonas’s eyebrows shot up.

“Oh, shit.”

“No, I mean…” Isak didn’t know how to explain that one. “It’s complicated, and it’s not my thing to tell, but she’s okay with it.”

Jonas didn’t make a face, or anything, clearly trying hard not to judge. Like he’d promised.

“So… what’s the problem? Was it weird?”

“I mean… I guess it was a little weird at first,” Isak admitted. “But, um. We’re still hooking up.”

 _Now_ Jonas looked scandalised, joint nearly falling from his mouth.

“What?”

“Like, I don’t know. Friends with benefits, or whatever.”

Jonas laughed, finally extinguishing the remnants of the joint beneath his shoe.

“Fuck. How is _that_ going?”

Something about Jonas’s laughter made Isak want to laugh too. There _was_ something laughable about it, he supposed. Isak and Julian. He never would have imagined it, a month ago.

It took a while for Isak to stop laughing--another side effect of the weed. But he thought about Julian, and then he thought about what he was doing, and the feeling from earlier in the night, when Julian winked at him…

It was enough to make him feel sombre again.

“It’s good, but like… I don’t know. I’m not sure about it.”

“Why?”

“Like, we don’t have feelings or anything, it’s just sex.”

“Hmm.”

Jonas waited, and Isak let himself say the things on his mind. Things he’d barely admitted to himself.

“I don’t know. It’s not like I want to do coupley stuff with Julian, but now we’re doing this, it’s like I suddenly realize what I could be doing? Like, I can picture what I want.”

Truthfully, Isak felt more in the closet now than he ever had before.

Deep down, he’d sort of believed he’d find someone who made him feel brave, someone worth being out in the open with. It would be less scary to be out, with someone by his side. Instead, he was messing around with a boy behind closed doors--someone Isak had only recently considered categorizing as a ‘friend’, let alone one with benefits.

“A relationship?”

“Yeah. I guess.”

At the end of the day, that _was_ what Isak wanted. Cheesy as it was.

Somebody to cuddle with after sex, or make post-coital coffee for, or kiss in public--scary as that thought was. He’d hooked up with Julian multiple times now--handjobs and blowjobs and some totally inexpert fingering--but Isak was never the one to instigate it.

Every time, he’d come home and wrapped himself around a pillow, imagining everything that had just happened as just part of some grand romantic scenario. Not even one with Tobias and Fredrik--something for Isak himself. Strange as it was, Isak found himself liking most the moments Julian met his eyes and smiled--the few minutes of laughingly panting into each other’s mouths as they tried to kiss, come-dumb and lazy.  
  
He tried not to think about Even too much, at the risk of pining away like a pathetic loser. But he had to acknowledge it to himself: he wanted romance. Not with Julian--but, ultimately...

“Isn’t that a good thing? Realizing what you want?” Jonas asked at last.

What he wanted was somebody he could have, Isak thought. Something big. Something real--because this thing he had, despite being with a boy, was no more real than pining after Even. His phone buzzed in his pocket as he spoke.

“I don’t know,” Isak said. “Maybe not, if I can’t have it.”

 

  
**JD**

Leave with me tonight?

My place or yours?


	9. part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You broke up with Sonja?”
> 
> Even startled at that, now turning to look at Isak with a more serious expression.
> 
> “Huh.” He bit his lip. “Did I tell you about Sonja?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late! A huge shoutout to everyone who has been so patient and supportive about this chapter. I'm so grateful to all of you. I finally decided to stop stressing about this chapter and just post it, so I'm sorry if it's a bit choppy! I'll probably go back and smooth it out at the end, but for now, you have this. I hope it doesn't disappoint.

 

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Ready for tomorrow? What time are you getting there?

 

Isak smiled as the message interrupted his game. It was a warm afternoon, and the sunlight streaming through Julian’s windows made him squint, bringing the phone closer to his face.

Usually, he didn’t stick around for too long after he fucked around with Julian, but today he felt too lazy and sweaty to do much of anything, yet, especially face the summer heat outside.

As Julian lay beside him, naked but for the boxers he’d casually pulled back up, Isak figured he might as well bask in the afterglow a little while. This was the last time they’d see each other for a couple of weeks, what with him and Sara going up to her cabin the day Isak got home from Uppsala.

He tried to contain his excitement, but he couldn’t believe that he was flying to Uppsala tomorrow. He was _meeting Even_ tomorrow.  


**imilluminatii  
** Flight lands at 16:00. You?

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Flying at 11:40 from Oslo, so 12:40 I think  
  
**imilluminatii  
** 11:40? Sucks to be you haha  
Won’t you have to get an early train?

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Nah, came back to Oslo last night   
Staying with my parents   


 

Isak’s breath caught as he read that over again.

 

  
**imilluminatii** **  
** You’re from Oslo?!?!!?   
  
**bl0ndelvis**   
Yeah   
  
**imilluminatii  
** Fucking hell.   
Me too.

 **bl0ndelvis**   
I mean…   
I kind of knew that already.   
Jonas posts a lot of pics.

 **imilluminatii**   
You never said anything!?   
Asshole.

 **bl0ndelvis**   
Didn’t seem like you wanted me to know.   
Sorry  <3  
  


Isak was just about to text back when Julian threw his own phone down with a sigh, turning on his side to face him. He glanced up to find an odd expression on Julian’s face.

“Who are you texting?”

“Oh,” Isak said. That old question. “Nobody.”

“Come on,” Julian said, teasing. “Who’s putting that look on your face?”

Isak rolled his eyes, but hesitated to deny that there was somebody. He _could_ tell Julian, Isak guessed. It wasn’t like Julian would mind.

“It’s just this guy,” he admitted, feeling himself smile a little, at just the thought of Even.

“A guy?”

“Someone I met online,” Isak continued, and was surprised when Julian furrowed his brows, looking concerned.

“Oh. And you like him?”

“I mean…” Yes. Yes, of course Isak liked Even. But it was almost like having a crush on Niclas Johansson--Even was completely and utterly unattainable.

“What’s his name?” Julian asked, and Isak told him almost on autopilot, because he liked the way that Even’s name felt in his mouth. The way it sounded tripping off his tongue.

“Have you ever met him?” Julian asked.

“No,” Isak admitted, looking down at their text conversation. “I mean, well. We’re supposed to meet tomorrow, actually.”

Isak met Julian’s eyes, then, and was surprised by the intensity in them.

“Right,” Julian said. Then, with a sharp edge to his quiet voice: “Are you going to sleep with him?”

_What the fuck?_

“Are you serious right now?” Isak asked, and Julian shrugged.

“I just think it’s funny.” It didn’t sound like he found it at all funny. “You’re in my bed texting some other guy when I literally had my hand on your dick like five minutes ago.”

If Isak didn’t know any better, he’d think Julian sounded hurt.

“Oh, like you don’t text Sara?”

“She’s my girlfriend, it’s not the same thing.”

“So what’s your problem?” Isak asked, exasperated. “Even’s just a friend.”

“But you’re into him,” Julian said, and Isak narrowed his eyes.

“So what if I am?”

“Are you thinking about him? When we’re hooking up?”

Isak paused, then, reassessing the situation.

“You’re jealous,” Isak said, realization suddenly dawning.

In that moment, Isak recognized Julian’s reaction for what it was.

They’d been so clear that it was no feelings, no strings attached--but the conflicted expression on Julian’s face said everything. Julian had feelings for Isak. Isak didn’t know if they were new, or if they’d been there the whole time, but they changed everything.

This wasn’t what Isak had signed up for.

It didn’t matter what Julian said after that. How much he tried to pretend he was just interested, and hadn’t meant to give Isak the Spanish inquisition. Isak knew, and Julian knew he knew, and when Isak finally got dressed and said the words,it felt like a weight off his shoulders.

"I don't want to do this anymore," he said, and Julian's face fell.

"Wait a second," he said. "Isak, come on."

As Julian protested that it was fine--no big deal, he should take some time to think, whatever, not make any hasty decisions--all Isak really felt was relief.

He let himself out of Julian’s house, and stepped out into the sun.

 

-

 

A day later, Isak boarded a flight to Uppsala.

He was glad when he was finally up in the air and could turn off his phone, because Julian hadn’t stopped texting him, and it was starting to get a little bit grating. At first, it was just trying to save his own ass--no, of _course_ Julian didn’t have feelings for him, so _please_ don’t tell anyone who might tell Sara--but then it became annoying. _We could still fuck_ , or _Don’t you wanna get your dick in me_ or _haha no big deal but we can revisit this whenever okay._

Sat between Jonas and Eva on the plane, Isak closed his eyes and willed himself forget about the Julian drama. Forget about everything except the next few days, and what they had in store.

Sana had been messaging him all morning, until she’d gone with Noora to pick up Vilde from the airport, and Isak was excited to meet her. Magnus had been texting him, too, mostly ridiculous stuff that Isak tried to ignore, but also some excited messages about meeting that warmed Isak’s heart, a little. 

By the time they landed, Isak was ready to immerse himself in his favourite show, and forget about anything else.

He turned his phone back on and deleted the messages from Julian unread, opening the group chat instead.

The next few days were just about Minute by Minute. They were going to be epic.

 

-

 

 **bl0ndelvis  
** We’re here and checked in   
Room 121 if anyone wants to come say hi

 **waffles95  
** Who is we

 **bl0ndelvis  
** Me and Mikael   
I can’t add him to the chat   
  
[Starinthrumyrearview has added kingcoda to the conversation.]

 **kingcoda  
** Yooooo  
Seriously come we have snacks

 **purrfectlypink  
** Noora, Sana and I are on our way!

 **reggismeggis  
** Where is the elevator here

 **waffles95  
** Lol

 **reggismeggis  
** I’m still in the reception

 **waffles95  
** I’ll come down and get you  
Roommates (y)   


They'd been sent while Isak was in the air, but Isak couldn't help but stare at the message nonetheless. It hit home, then, that this was really happening. If Isak wanted to, he could walk into Even's room in the next hour, and come face to face with the person who filled a whole folder of selfies on his Google Drive. But was he really ready?

His fingers hovered over the buttons, unsure of what to say, until Eva took pity on him.

 

 **mohning141  
** We just landed!  
Be there soon!

 

-

 

**pilsmanns**

 

Crashing @bl0ndelvis’s room with @loglady92 and the gang! Hello, Uppsala!

#So many Scandinavians #So little time

 

-

 

At 6:30, Isak found himself waiting alone in the hotel lobby, where they were meeting before dinner. Jonas and Eva had teased him for it--Eva was still putting on her eyeliner, Jonas trying to distract her every time so she messed up one of the wings--but Isak really didn’t want to have to approach the group with Even already there, and have everyone watch Isak’s undoubtedly pathetic reaction to seeing him in person.

As it was, waiting alone wasn't much less terrifying, and he resorted to scrolling through his Tumblr dash to try to kill his nerves.

“ISAK!”

A blur of tall blonde enthusiasm startled him; before he could even look up, he was being encircled in a hug and heartily clapped on the back.

It was only when the boy released him with a beaming smile, greeting him in accented English, that Isak realized who exactly had tackle-hugged him in the hotel lobby.

“Magnus,” he guessed, and Magnus grinned at him.

“We meet at last,” he said, and Isak couldn’t help smiling back.

“Hey, man,” Isak said.

"Wow," Magnus said, shaking his head. "Can you believe we're actually here? Uppsala! How cool is this?"

Isak could only nod in response.

It was weird, he realised, talking to Magnus in person. He’d imagined Magnus’s enthusiasm over text was just his online persona, but the person standing here in front of him… if anything, Magnus was even more full-on in person.

Case in point: Magnus proceded to spend the next five minutes talking at the top of his lungs about Isak’s latest chapter, which he’d apparently read on the plane that morning.

“... The sex scenes are just getting hotter every time, you know? I don’t know if you started getting some, but you have to tell me where your inspiration is coming from because that last one? Man, I was *this* close to nutting.”

It was fruitless to ask him to lower his voice, Isak decided. As weird as it was to be having this conversation in a public place, at least the hotel wasn’t actually very big. Isak could deal with the lone receptionist shooting them amused looks across the little room.

“Seriously,” Magnus said, wiggling his eyebrows at Isak. “ _Are_ you getting some? Did you move on from you-know-who?”

Isak could only shake his head, because that wasn’t something he wanted to talk to Magnus about.

He could only hope, he guessed, that somebody else would turn up soon, shift the conversation in another direction--

Except that maybe he’d spoken too soon.

Like they’d summoned him, somebody else appeared. Somebody tall and beautiful and smiling pushed open the hotel door, talking animatedly to a shorter guy with floppy hair.

Even.

 _Fy faen_ , Isak realised. He was so fucking gay.

“Oh, hey, there’s your crush,” Magnus said, and Isak wished for a moment that the ground would swallow him whole, even as he strained to look. Magnus didn’t even bother to lower his voice as he turned to Isak with wide eyes. “Damn, he’s fucking hot.”

“He is not my ‘crush’” Isak said, conveniently ignoring that the second Even had entered the lobby he’d almost forgotten all his English.

“Whatever you say, Isak” Magnus said, but Isak was hardly listening.

In the flesh, Even was somehow even more attractive. His shining eyes and pink lips and fucking gravity-defying hair and pale neck… it was all Isak could do not to stare. Even was so much taller than Isak had realized, too, with long, lean legs and a spring in his step.

“Seriously though, wow.” Magnus sounded genuine. “If you don’t bang him, I will.”

“You wish,” Isak said, almost on autopilot.

In that moment Even looked up and met his eyes.

It was such a fucking cliche, Isak realized, but there was a reason so many love stories started with people seeing each other from across a room. The way Even’s eyes lit up in recognition, and Isak couldn’t help but smile as Even turned his whole body towards him, like he was coming over…

 _Oh, shit_ , Isak realized. Dinner. Of course Even was coming over.

It was like Even crossed the room in slow motion, but all too soon he was standing there in front of Isak, close enough for Isak to see the startling blue of his eyes.

Thank God for Magnus.

Before Even could open his mouth, Magnus was enveloping him, too, in a bear hug, and Isak finally managed to look away. Next to Even, the other guy ran a hand through his long hair as he laughed, and Isak’s eyes caught on the purple polish on his fingernails.

“Hey,” Isak said to him ruefully, in English. “I’m Isak.”

The other guy’s eyebrows shot up, before he reached out to shake Isak’s hand and began chatting away in Norwegian.

“Wow, Even’s told me a lot about you, man, it’s good to finally meet you.”

Isak could only nod back as the guy grinned, looking attractive as fuck.

( _Of course Even’s friends are beautiful_ , Isak told himself. Of course this was the kind of person Even hung out with. He wasn’t jealous _at all_.)

“I’m Mikael,” Mikael said, almost an afterthought, and then he stepped away and Magnus was hugging him instead.

Even moved around them with a laugh. Suddenly, he was face to face with Isak, looking incredibly pleased to see him.

“Halla,” Even said, eyes wide. Isak tried to play it cool as he said it back.

Internally he was screaming.

 _Pull yourself together_ , he told himself. Fuck!

“How was your afternoon?” Isak asked. He stuck to English, for Magnus’s sake--but also because it helped, a bit, to have an excuse to talk slower, think things through. He still felt stupid as soon as he said it, though: _how was your afternoon._ Ugh.

“It was chill,” Even said, and Isak nodded. “You should’ve stopped by.”

Right. He should have done that. Isak shrugged, because instead of stopping by he’d spent an hour in the room he was sharing with Jonas and Eva, freaking the fuck out about meeting Even in the flesh.

Thankfully, the elevator doors opened, then, and Jonas and Eva spilled out, followed by a crowd of people chattering away in accented English.

Isak was saved from having to explain his absence. The gang had all arrived.

 

-

 

When Vilde had said there would be ‘some other fans’ in the hotel lobby after dinner, Isak hadn’t known what to expect. It wasn’t a big hotel, after all, but from the look of things, every single guest was a Minute by Minute fan, and was currently congregating in a small space.

The worst--and best--part was that Even hadn’t left his side since they’d met, which meant that Isak hadn’t had any time to himself to process exactly what the fuck was going on. At dinner, Even had taken the seat next to him like it was natural, switching between English and Norwegian to make jokes under his breath for Isak’s benefit; he’d offered Isak food from his plate like they’d known each other forever. The strange part was, Isak _did_ feel like they'd known each other forever. Maybe it was because they'd Skyped so much before, but he felt a connection to Even immediately--one that hadn't come as naturally when meeting Sana, or Mahdi, or Magnus, as cool as they were. 

He just hadn't expected Even to want to spend quite this much time with him. Isak knew why _he_ was staying with Even: he was drawn to him like a moth to a fucking flame. He just didn’t know why Even was returning the favour. 

He’d managed to bring Sana into things on the walk back from the restaurant, glad to finally chat to her, but once they returned to the bar, she slipped away with a knowing look, and Isak was once again left with no defenses as Even continued to be charming as fuck.

Thankfully, Isak wasn’t the only one who had noticed.

As Even made small talk with some girl with stars in her eyes, Isak looked around for Sana.  He saw Mikael and Jonas, caught up in conversation with Magnus and someone else--Mahdi, Isak realized--in the corner, but the place was seriously crowded.

It was starting to make him uncomfortable.

He scrolled idly through his Tumblr feed, then refreshed, and a selfie of Sana, Vilde, Chris, Noora, and Eva loaded at the top of the page. He liked it, then paused. That must have just been taken, he realised, as he forwarded the post to his private chat with Sana.  


**imilluminatii  
** Sanaaaaaa  
You’re not coming back, are you   
You’re leaving me alone with him

 **starinthrumyrearview**   
Haha good luck Isabel <3

 **imilluminatii  
** I hate you <3

 

“Sorry about that,” Even said, finally turning back to face him. “I’m starting to regret all those selfies. People keep doing that.”

By 'that', he meant 'fangirling all over me with veiled attempts at flirting', but Isak didn't call him on it.

“Haha,” Isak said, unconvincingly. He didn’t regret Even’s selfies one bit. “Must be nice to have your own fans.”

“Me?” Even asked with a smile, clutching his chest dramatically. “You’re the famous one. Aren’t you getting mobbed, too?”

Isak shook his head, and Even narrowed his eyes.

“What? No Immy fans trying to get you to write their favourite kink?” Even asked, and Isak looked away, embarrassed.

“No,” he said. “Just you.”

He’d expected it to be awkward between them at first, but this was something else entirely; Even’s easy grin was even more dazzling in person.

“I’m your biggest fan,” Even said.

“I’m probably yours,” Isak confessed, after a beat. “The first time you commented on Go Forth I was so excited.”

“Really? You’d been watching my stuff?”

“Yeah,” Isak said. No point in hiding it. “I followed you first, you know.”

“I’m honoured,” Even said, looking genuinely pleased. “But seriously, Go Forth is amazing, Isak. You’re so great.”

“It’s okay,” Isak said, dismissively, then shrank back as Even raised his eyebrows. “No, I mean, it means a lot to me that you like it.”

“I do,” Even said. “I can’t wait for whatever you do next.”

Isak had barely thought past Go Forth, honestly. He had a bunch of half-formed outlines for one-shots, and a tentatively-planned collaboration with Eva--not to mention that _penetrator_c_ had messaged him a week or so ago asking if he wanted to co-write a threesome.

He still couldn’t believe he’d said yes to that one.

“What are _you_ doing next?” Isak asked, instead of telling Even any of that. “I liked that song, by the way. The ‘high by the river’ thing.”

Like he didn’t remember the title.

“High by the Riverside,” Even said. “I don’t know, I wasn’t feeling that inspired when I made that one.”

It didn’t show. Isak liked every video that Even had ever posted, but he felt like saying that out loud was a bit much.

“I’m excited for my new one though,” Even continued, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. “Depending on what happens in the finale, I was thinking of making a breakup thing.”

“Wow,” Isak said. “Are you trying to make people cry?”

Even laughed so loudly that a group of girls across the lobby turned to look at them, and Even groaned.

The flicker of recognition in their eyes said it all, Isak thought.

“I’ve got a song in mind, if you want to come up and listen?” Even said, casually. “I could use a second opinion?”

The girls were standing, looking nervously over at Even as they inched their way across the room.

“There’ll be no interruptions up there,” Even explained, as he stood. “It’s kind of a bit much.”

“Yeah, of course,” Isak said, and then Even was circling a hand loosely around Isak’s wrist, tugging him through the crowd towards the elevator.

“Awesome,” Even said. “Quick, before they follow.”

 

-

 

It was a lot quieter in Even’s room. Now that they were really alone, Isak was suddenly very aware of it.

Even was acting like it was no big deal. It was to Isak, obviously, but Even was moving around casually shrugging his jacket off, gesturing to the open computer on his bed.

He really wanted to act cool, though.

Isak sat down gingerly, his back to Even’s headboard, as he peered down at Even’s Spotify screen. It had been left open to the playlist and Isak was too curious not to scan down the track list.

“Wow, that’s a lot of breakup songs,” he said, as Even made himself comfortable beside him.

Even huffed, pulling the laptop back onto his lap.

“They’re not _breakup_ songs.”

“'Dancing on My Own' isn’t a breakup song?”

“‘I just came to say goodbye?’” Even quoted, then shrugged, sheepish. “Okay, maybe that one is, a bit.”

“What’s this one?” Isak said, curiously pointing to another track. “This one is _called ‘_ Breakin’ Up,’ Even.”

“No, but it’s like, an ‘it’s over but I’m glad this happened’ sort of song. Like, a moving on song.”

“You think Tobias is going to move on?” Isak asked.

They hadn’t really talked about last week’s Minute by Minute bombshell, Isak realized. Not just the two of them. He couldn’t imagine, though, that Even would really want Tobias and Fredrik to stay broken up.

“What?” Even turned to look at him quizzically, before comprehension dawned on his face. “Oh, no. I didn’t make this for Tobias and Fredrik.”

“You didn’t?”

“I, uh, broke up with someone a little while ago, so.” Even said, and Isak tried his hardest not to react.

“You broke up with Sonja?”

Even startled at that, now turning to look at Isak with a more serious expression.

“Huh.” He bit his lip. “Did I tell you about Sonja?”

“Uh, yeah,” Isak said slowly. “When you called me on May 17.”

Even shook his head.

“I don’t even remember mentioning her.” He paused, then looked Isak directly in the eyes. “Fuck, sorry, I was a bit out of it that night.” Another pause. “That’s... actually when we broke up though.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Even said, wrinkling his nose. His expression was completely unreadable. “She came up to do it in person.”

“I’m sorry.”

 _Was that what he was supposed to say?_ Isak wondered. In truth, he wasn’t at all sorry. The second Even had announced that he was single Isak’s heart had started to beat faster, obnoxious stirrings of hope in his belly making themselves known.

“Why?” Even sounded genuinely confused. “I’m a lot happier now, really. We both knew it wasn’t working. We were barely together anymore anyway, with the long distance.”

Long distance. Isak tried not to think about that too much.

“Hence the ‘happy it happened’ songs?”

“Yeah. We, uh, it was funny, we actually stayed up all night, having some more drinks and making the playlist. It was the most fun we had together in years.”

“That sounds... nice.” Isak tried. It came out strangled as fuck.

“It was. It was good closure.”

There were those stirrings again. Fuck. Isak tried to tamp down the part of him that rose up, hopeful, at the emphatic way Even said _closure_.

If Even really was single, what did that mean? Isak had figured the flirting was just who Even was, but…

Isak tried not to get carried away, he really did. But he was currently alone with Even in his hotel room, under the flimsy pretence of listening to some song that they could have easily played downstairs, and Isak suddenly felt uncomfortably aware of how close he and Even had gotten on the bed, as he’d leaned in to look at the playlist.

He took a deep breath, and Even glanced at him for just a moment, then--

“Anyway, this is the song I was thinking,” Even carried on, like nothing had happened. “Do you know it?”

Even pressed play.

The song started, and Isak tried to listen.

The beat was slow, steady.

He hadn’t heard it before, but it was hard to concentrate, even as the chorus picked up the tempo, and the guy’s voice soared. Even was watching his face for reactions, and Isak tried hard to focus on the music, but it felt like Even was getting closer and closer. Even’s gaze flickering down to his mouth as he swayed to the song, bopping his head in Isak’s direction until Isak felt hypnotized by it.

And then, like that, the spell was broken.

“Okay, so what do you think?” Even asked, and Isak leaned back, surprised. He’d barely noticed the song ending, if he was being really honest. “Should I stick with ‘[Heaven](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VNV__mV38s)’, or does it need a more traditional breakup song?”

Isak could hardly remember enough to comment on the song, but the hopeful expression on Even's face made answering easy.

“It’s perfect, Even,” Isak said.

Even smiled, closing his laptop and looking at Isak for a long moment.

He put the laptop on the bedside table, then shuffled down a little, until he was practically lying on the bed. Cautiously, Isak followed suit, until they were stretched out beside each other, a narrow channel of mattress the only thing that separated them.

There was something about lying like this that suddenly made everything seem quieter. More important.

“I was going to say this downstairs,” Even said, after a while. “But I’m sorry if I made things harder for you, with the whole ‘wank’ thing.”

It wasn’t what Isak had expected him to say.

“The bottom Fredrik stuff?” Isak asked, softly. “You already apologized for that.”

“I know,” Even murmured. “But I was thinking about it, after you video chatted me the other day. Like, that’s kind of how we became closer.”

“It feels like a long time ago,” Isak said. “Things aren’t as bad anymore.”

“Do you still get comments like that?” Even asked. “On the new stuff?”

“Sometimes.”

His comments section had been moderated ever since that first drama went down. Now that Isak had stopped publishing the negative stuff, people seemed less inclined to send him nasty comments. He’d like to say his skin had gotten thicker, but in truth, mostly he sent the bad ones to Sana to rip apart with her until he felt better.

There was no way he’d be able to write any sort of appropriate reply to any of them.

“Hmm,” Even sounded skeptical, and Isak rolled his eyes.

“I haven’t written, you know, more of those kinds of scenes,” Isak said, awkwardly. “So things haven’t been as bad.”

Even turned his head to face Isak, and Isak couldn’t help but look back. Even was biting his lip, as if he was trying not to laugh.

“You mean no penetration? Anal?” He looked faintly shy as he said it--but it was nothing compared to what Isak’s face must have been doing, and he looked away sharply. “I can’t believe you write such explicit stuff, but can’t say the words out loud.”

“Shut up,” Isak said, but when he looked back, Even’s expression was teasing--fond, if Isak wasn’t misinterpreting it.

When Even laughed, Isak found himself laughing along with him, feeling the tension seeping out of his body just a little bit. Until--

“Your stuff is really hot, though,” Even said, like an afterthought. “Honestly, lately it just gets better and better. Damn.”

It was enough to make Isak go tense.

“Did something happen?” Even asked, and Isak could viscerally feel his body say _nope_ at the prospect of telling Even about Julian.

It wasn’t that Isak was embarrassed, or anything. Although maybe he kind of was. He didn’t want to talk to Even about messing around with someone else: that felt like a cruel and unusual form of sadism. Not just that, though--but lying in bed together, talking with Even about topping and bottoming, about Even getting hot for Isak’s sex scenes… fuck, there was no way Isak was getting through that without a very obvious problem in his jeans.

Isak squirmed. Even had sounded curious, but as he took in Isak’s body language, he shook his head. His expression softened, as if realising that Isak was genuinely uncomfortable with talking about this.

“Sorry,” Isak said, after the silence had begun to stretch. “Uh. Fuck.”

“Do you want to go back downstairs?” Even asked, looking concerned.

He leaned away from Isak to look at his phone, and showed Isak the time illuminated on his screen. The lock screen image was one Isak had seen a hundred times before on Even’s blog-- the pool scene in Romeo + Juliet, which Even not only used as a header but had posted about and reblogged more times than Isak could count.

 _22:22_ , the clock said.

Isak didn’t really want to go back downstairs, though. He wanted to stay with Even, in their own little bubble, and be greedy about it: get all of the time with Even he could have, in the flesh, until the other boy was back to being just a face on a screen.

But if Even was asking the question--well, maybe he was getting bored of being alone with Isak, maybe he wanted to hang out with everyone else again. Maybe he could tell how Isak was feeling, his crush being practically broadcast on his chest with a scarlet ‘C’.

Before Isak could answer, Even huffed out a laugh, scrolling through his phone.

“Check the group chat,” he said. “Typical Magnus.”

 

-

 

 **reggismeggis  
** Fuuuuck this night is so sick!!   
I love you all!

 **starinthrumyrearview**   
We’re literally standing right next to you.   
  
**reggismeggis**   
HAH  
Not Isak and Even though  
Where are you guys

 **mohning141**   
Lol true  
BLIMMY WHERE ARE YOU

 **waffles95  
** Lol Blimmy

 **kingcoda  
** Omg blimmy????

 **reggismeggis  
** Uh, it’s clearly Evak now wtf

 **pilsmanns**  


**jobrows**  
lol

 **starinthrumyrearview**  
Hello, not the point.  
Magnus were you going to say something?

 **reggismeggis  
** Oh yeah   
We’re on our way to Mikael and Even’s room   
Mikael said they got booze!!!

 **waffles95  
** YES **  
** I have some too

 **pilsmanns  
** PARTY TIME BITCHES

 **reggismeggis**   
PARTYYYYY   


-

 

“They’re coming here?” Isak groaned, and Even shuffled closer. “Ugh.”

Even just looked at him. He looked and looked, his face just inches from Isak's, until Isak started to get uncomfortable.

Then, without warning he bolted upright, a decisive look on his face. Before Isak could even sit up beside him, he was by the door, tugging on his shoes and jacket with a sparkle in his eyes.

“You wanna make a run for it?” Even asked, and--oh. Well.

Isak didn’t even hesitate.

“Fuck yeah.”

They ran down the hallway like little children, laughing and pausing at each corner, lest they bump into anyone else. At the elevators, Even convinced Isak to take the three flights of stairs instead, and Isak made fun of his uncoordinated limbs running down, his long legs clearly lacking the grace needed to keep up.

It was so exhilarating, and Isak didn’t even really get why. What the hell they were even doing, ditching their friends like this.

Honestly, he didn’t care.

The lobby was still crowded, so Isak wasn’t surprised when Even grabbed his wrist and steered him away from the chairs and the curious eyes, heading towards the doors. There was an urgency to Even’s step that made Isak want to laugh, to run alongside him. There was a part of him that felt excited, at the prospect of sneaking out into the city without telling everyone. Having their own adventure.

They pushed open the doors with a flourish, Isak’s hand still in Even’s as they burst out into the night. It was only when they’d crossed the street, and Isak pulled Even under an awning, that the issue with their plan became apparent.

“Oh, shit,” Even laughed, his hair already plastered to his forehead, little droplets caught in his eyelashes. “It’s raining.”

“No kidding,” Isak said, but he couldn’t help laughing, too. Even was still clutching his hand, and Isak was completely drenched, and it was already one of the most perfect moments of his life. Isak was completely fucked, because even looking like this, Isak found Even hopelessly endearing.

“This was a shitty plan,” Even said, and Isak nodded. Except--

“You had a plan?” He asked. He hadn’t even been thinking about a plan. He would have followed Even anywhere, regardless; he was self-aware enough to admit that.

“I kind of wanted to go to the bridge,” Even admitted. “You know, where Fredrik first kissed Tobias.”

“I know which one,” Isak said, rolling his eyes. “Why there, though?”

Even looked embarrassed, but he didn’t look away.

He could have said any number of things, then, and Isak probably would have bought it.

Instead he looked Isak in the eyes. As a car drove by, spraying them with puddle water, he simply stepped in closer, craning his neck a little to put himself on Isak’s level.

He was close enough, Isak realized, for Isak to feel Even’s breath on his lips. And Even’s lips--they were parted, just inches from his own. If Isak just lifted his head, a little--

Fuck it.

Isak ignored his own racing heart. Ignored everything except the moment he was currently in. He tilted his face just as Even came closer, and their lips brushed together for just a moment.

Their lips met, and then Even pulled back, sharply, searching Isak’s eyes as if for confirmation.

Isak didn’t even have to say anything. Maybe the expression on his face gave it all away, because the next thing he knew, Even was framing his face in his hands, pressing kisses to Isak’s mouth as Isak tried to keep up; he was letting Isak press him against the brick wall as they kissed and the rain continued its onslaught against Isak’s back.

Isak could feel Even smiling against his mouth, and it was the best feeling in the world. Isak wanted to open his eyes, to make sure this was actually real--but when he did, all he saw was the rain on Even’s cheeks, his eyelashes. He pressed his whole body against Even, and was gratified when Even opened his mouth in a moan, pulling Isak closer and sucking on Isak’s tongue as their hips ground against each other.

“We could go to my room,” Isak said, finally, when the cold air on his back became too much. The bulge in his jeans, too, was starting to feel urgent--and he was guessing Even felt the same, from the abortive way his hips jerked up into Isak’s as he pulled away. “Eva and Jonas could stay with Mikael tonight.”

It was a risk, he thought--that maybe he was being too forward. That maybe he wasn’t being clear enough about his intentions.

But Even smiled so brightly that Isak was suddenly, desperately afraid. His heart soared in his chest--and that mattered more than the way his dick was currently aching in his boxers.

This would hurt, he realized. If he fucked this up, this would be fucking unbearable.

It would be worse not to try, though.

“Yeah,” Even said. “We should get out of these wet clothes.”

He dropped one final, chaste kiss on Isak’s mouth, then stepped backwards, into the rain.

“Text Eva and Jonas,” he said.

 

-

 

 **bl0ndelvis** reblogged from **frediass-xo**

Omg I just saw @bl0ndelvis holding hands with a cute boy in Uppsala! OMG EVEN DID YOU BRING A BOYFRIEND ASDFGHJKL

 

        **bl0ndelvis**

       Haha. He’s beautiful, isn’t he?

  
-

 


	10. part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their mouths moved slowly, almost shyly, before they separated, and Isak took a deep breath, like the simple kiss hadn’t made his whole body zing with feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW THIS IS OVERDUE. I'm sorry. As with the last chapter, I may end up coming back to edit this, because it's driving me nuts and with some perspective I'll probably hate it and want to go in there with the scizzors.
> 
> That said: here, enjoy!
> 
> All the thanks in the world go to champagneleftie, who helped me with Uppsala stuff, and to all of you who have stuck by me. Say strong, fandom <3

“Does anyone want more buns?”

Vilde set the plate down on the table to a chorus of thank yous, as everyone else tore into the fresh food. Isak looked around, and he couldn’t keep the smile off his face.

These people were at the same time both so much like and unlike he’d expected. Noora was so much sweeter, in reality, than in her blistering critiques; while Mahdi was just as chill as Isak had always imagined. Jonas, Mahdi, Magnus, and Mikael seemed to have hit it off the night before, and crowded together on Noora’s sofa around Mikael’s iPhone screen, watching a video he’d taken of the four of them kidding around. The girls seemed close enough, too--they were currently consoling Chris on her recent breakup.

Her boyfriend, Isak learned when he tuned in, had broken things off just before they were due to fly to Uppsala. Which was sad, obviously, but Isak had exactly zero experience in saying the right thing in that situation… so he said nothing, just steadily sipping at his coffee and eating Noora’s food.

Isak’s phone buzzed and he took it out, expecting yet another text from Julian.

 

+47 8748 437021  
You look so hot this morning.

 

Isak looked up and met Even’s eyes, and felt the shiver run through his entire body.

Even smiled, and Isak’s gaze dropped, lingered on the red of Even’s lips. Fuck, now he’d done it, Isak thought.

All he could think about was kissing him.

The night before, they had kissed until Isak’s mouth buzzed with it, swollen and tender--until his jaw began to ache. And in between kisses they had talked in hushed, slow voices, like they had known each other forever. Isak couldn’t help but think that even if that night was all he ever got with Even, it’d be realer than any time he ever spent with Julian. Not because there was anything fundamentally wrong with Julian, but… it was like being raised on water and finally tasting wine.

It was just different, kissing someone he liked. There were no fireworks, or any of the stuff Isak always read about in fanfiction, but feeling Even’s mouth smile against his neck, and Even’s heart racing against his chest--that was just... incomparable. Funny though the thought was, it was the kissing that stuck with him the most.

Not to say that they hadn’t done anything else, of course. When they’d gotten back into Even’s room, it had been all fumbling enthusiasm, and Even had sunk to his knees in front of Isak and it had been all he could do not to come there and then, painting Even’s open mouth with the proof of his desire.

Then, when Isak had returned the favour, Even had gasped and said his name in a tone of absolute wonder, spreading his legs open wider until Isak got the hint and pressed against his hole with his fingers.

It was the best orgasm Isak had ever had, but it was the kissing that had him all knotted up inside. That, and waking up beside Even this morning, one of his arms completely numb under Even’s torso. He and Even hadn’t talked at all about what it meant, but it felt realer than anything Isak had ever had before. Especially in that one moment--when Jonas had tiptoed into the room, rousing them both, when Even hadn’t rolled away or tried to play it off--he’d simply slipped out of bed, sleepily kissed Isak goodbye, and shuffled of to his own room with a sweet  _see you soon_ thrown over his shoulder.   

Isak had felt so obnoxiously full of joy.

“Hey,” Eva said, nudging Isak’s knee. “You still with us?”

“Yeah,” Isak said, finally looking away from Even’s mouth. “Sorry, what were you saying?”

“Are you still coming with us this afternoon?” Eva asked, a knowing expression on her face. “The fan tour?”

“Oh, yeah!” Magnus looked up from the phone to chime in. “Fuck, I almost forgot! The tour!”

Isak had forgotten about it too, if he was being honest. Noora had messaged them all the week before, explaining that some of the undergraduates were putting on ‘Minute by Minute’ Uppsala tours to make some money off the fans visiting for the screening. Apparently Vilde had been emailing back and forth with someone all morning, though.

“We need to give them our final number,” Vilde reminded them, and Isak resisted the urge to roll his eyes when she turned to look at him. “It’s very important that we are punctual and polite; it’s not very nice not to be reliable.”

“Yes, Vilde,” Isak said, because it was the easiest thing to say. “But uh, I think--”

He looked up at Even, and Even jumped in like he’d been waiting for the moment.

“Isak and I thought we’d explore on our own,” he said.

It was no surprise to Isak when the rest of the room smirked, looking at each other like somebody had just won a bet.

“We’ll see you at the screening,” Isak said decisively, and Eva patted him on the arm, only slightly amused by his discomfort.

“Use protection,” she said under her breath in Norwegian, but from the way half the room burst into laughter, it was obvious she hadn’t been very discreet.

As Magnus began clamouring to know what was so funny, Even caught Isak’s eye again, and winked.

 

-

 

They left Noora’s together, Even determined to take charge of their destination as they walked. Isak was pretty sure he had no clue where he was going, but he was willing to indulge Even nonetheless. The idea of getting lost with him was strangely appealing.

“Did you hear back about that internship, by the way?” He asked, once they’d been walking for fifteen minutes or so.

He tried to make it casual, but he’d been thinking about it a lot, this morning. What the rest of the summer could be like, if Even was going to be in Oslo. They hadn’t talked about it at all, but the idea of it planted little seeds of hope in Isak’s belly. Last night--it had been so perfect, Isak thought. And maybe he was getting ahead of himself, but he couldn’t picture just going back to his life before, after, as if nothing had ever happened. Just Skyping with Even occasionally and wishing for something real.

Even was something he could hold, beautifully tangible.  

“I uh, found out yesterday, actually,” Even said, looking at the ground. “I didn’t get it.”

“Shit. I’m sorry,” Isak said, although he didn’t really know what that meant. If that meant Even  _would_ be his city, making Isak’s fantasies come true.

“Yeah, me too,” Even sighed, and Isak was surprised to see a slump in his shoulders, how the spring in his step had nearly disappeared.

“They’re idiots. You’re the best.” Isak said decisively, and Even huffed out a little breath.

“Yeah, well. They didn’t think so.”

“Well, fuck them.” Isak wasn’t going to let him be discouraged. “They clearly don’t know talent when they see it.”

Even glanced up, and laughed a little, after a moment--probably at the stubborn look on Isak’s face.

“Thanks,” Even said, wrinkling his nose. “But all you’ve seen are my fanvideos.”

“So?” Isak reached out, tracing Even’s jaw with his fingertips. “ _I_  know talent when I see it.”

“Oh yeah? You’re an expert?”

“I am.” Isak raised his eyebrows. “And I say fuck them, okay?”

“Fuck them,” Even repeated, reaching out to take Isak’s hand.

Isak kept walking, but felt his cheeks grow warm. Holding a boy’s hand in public, okay. It was new, but he could do it.

“Exactly,” he said softly, and Even’s hand tightened around his own.

“Thanks, Isak.”

They walked a little further in silence, hands clasped, and Isak revelled in the simplicity of it all: just the two of them on an unfamiliar path, the early summer breeze in the air, the smell of the grass after hours of rain.

As they turned corner after corner, Isak finally made himself ask the question he really wanted the answer to.

“So, what are you going to do this summer? Are you going to be in Oslo?”

“I don’t know. I’m going back to Lillehammer tomorrow.”

Right.

“I guess I’ll have to talk to my advisor,” Even muttered. “I really wanted that internship.”

“Are there others? Thing you could apply for next year?”

“I guess? I just--” Even looked at his hands, then expelled the next words in a rush, like he was afraid to say them. “I want to quit film school.”

Isak couldn’t hide his surprise. Even being at film school felt like a given, at this point, a constant in Isak’s life. Even was in Lillehammer, the grass was green, and Isak was so completely fucking gay.

“Woah.”

“Yeah, I know. I just--I hate it. I want to be making stuff, not sitting through some shitty lecture about stuff I already know.”

Okay,” Isak said simply. “So what’s the internship got to do with it?”

“My parents think it’s a bad idea to quit. They keep asking if it’s a ‘rash decision’. Like just because I’m bipolar I can’t make choices about my own life.” Even paused. “The internship would’ve proved to them it’s the right choice.”

Isak didn’t know what to say to that--but Even smiled at him, shrugging, and Isak felt calm. Like maybe he didn’t have to know what to say.

“I think,” Isak said, haltingly. “I think you should do what you think is best, not what someone else does.”

Even stopped, then, tugging Isak towards him and tilting his face up for a kiss. Isak almost wanted to shrug off Even’s hands, the way they cradled his jaw so delicately, but--he liked it, he realised. He liked being held like that.

His hands fell to rest on Even’s hips. Their mouths moved slowly, almost shyly, before they separated, and Isak took a deep breath, like the simple kiss hadn’t made his whole body zing with feeling.

“Are you ready?” Even asked.

Probably not, Isak realized. Nonetheless, he let Even lead them around the corner, until-- oh. As the city forest loomed above them, Isak suddenly knew where they were going.

“Here? Really?”

Even shrugged, already walking backwards toward the woodland path with a grin on his face.

 

\--

 

“Okay, this is embarrassing.”

Ten minutes later, Isak sat on a wooden bench in a tiny clearing.

The outdoor gym was nothing special: the weights bench, dumbbells, a ladder, and a couple of other things, all made entirely of wood. It was strange, though, to be sitting there, in the very spot he’d imagined so vividly.

Even as he was writing  _Go Forth_ , Isak had pictured this place a lot. That first kiss scene, so surprising: Fredrik surprising Tobias on his morning run, them racing through the trees before collapsing on the bench together, laughing. Isak felt like he was always trying to put into words the look on Tobias’s face, after their lips parted.

“You just want to re-enact the kiss, don’t you?” Isak asked, as Even took a not-so-sneaky picture of him on his phone.

“Oh, you think I want to kiss you?”

Isak just looked pointedly at Even’s lips, feeling victorious when Even narrowed his eyes in return.

“I’m the best at kissing,” he said, just to be a little shit about it. Even nodded like Isak had said something wise and true.

“Okay, stay there,” Even said, mirth shining in his eyes. Isak could only groaned, looking around wildly in the hope of escaping the embarrassment.

“Ugh.”

“Okay, now look like you’re out of breath,” Even continued, as if Isak hadn’t said anything.

“Even, this is so ridiculous,” Isak said again, trying not to laugh. He knew he’d give in soon enough, but he had to put up at least a token protest.

“Isak!”

“Fucking hell.”

Isak rolled his eyes then leaned forwards, exhaling as he mimicked Tobias’s pose.

It was worth it, though, for the smile on Even’s face.

“Perfect. And then I jog over,” Even ambled towards him, his limbs flailing ridiculously in an approximation of a run, “and I say…”

“Don’t call me Tobias,” Isak warned, and Even laughed as he reached the bench, flinging himself down next to Isak dramatically.

“No, I say, Isak, I nearly caught you! And you say…”

“Fine. I say yes, you did.”

Even nudged him, and Isak couldn’t help but smile up at him.

He hadn’t really expected Even to be this playful, but perhaps he should have done. It was like Even knew exactly what buttons to press to make Isak smile, to draw him out of his comfort zone without fearing the repercussions.

There wasn’t a lot, Isak thought, that Even could have asked for that Isak would’ve said no to. He trusted him not to steer him wrong.

“And then…” Isak said, finally playing along.

“And then we kiss,” Even said, happy even as his voice quietened.

This time, the kiss wasn’t shy, or slow. Isak fisted a hand in Even’s hair and pulled him close.

The bench was uncomfortable under Isak’s ass but he didn’t care; he kissed Even like he didn’t need air, like he would never taste him again. Even’s mouth opened, and Isak tried to follow suit, feeling chills all over as Even’s tongue slipped into his mouth.

Even’s hand slipped under the back waistband of his jeans, cupping his ass over his boxers. There was something about being out there, in a public place, that made it feel different to the night in Even’s room, something forbidden and delicious about the idea that any runner or wandering child might stumble across them there, caught up in each other...

Somebody cleared their throat, and Isak froze.

Because it was a public clearing. Right. And a popular place to visit today, with all the fans in town.

Oh, fuck.

Even pulled back, and Isak hid his face in Even’s shoulder at the realization that a group of girls, probably the same age as Isak, were watching them grope each other in public. Some of them looked completely dumbstruck--but some of the others looked like they wanted to ask Even and Isak to kiss again. Which… no, thanks.

“Sorry,” Even said in English, wrapping his arm around Isak’s shoulder. “We just got a little bit carried away.”

“You’re Even,” one of girls said in response, and Isak felt Even tense, beside him.

Not this again.

But just as Isak was about to say something, Even relaxed, stepping forward with a smile.

“Yes,” he said, subtly positioning his body between the girls and Isak. “I am.”

 

\--

  


**veracalles**

Check us out with @bl0ndelvis in Stadsskogen lol ;) thanks to his cute boyfriend for taking the photo!!!

#minute by minute #best fandom  


-

 

After their interruption in the woods, Isak and Even had made an unspoken agreement to rejoin the other boys, who had apparently been doing some exploring of their own. Isak had pointedly not met Jonas’s eyes, as the guys had taken in their joined hands with smug grins and low whistles.

After a somewhat ridiculous trip to the supermarket, in which Magnus and Mahdi insisted on buying breakfast for dinner, they just about made it to the park in time not to be scolded by Vilde.

The girls, it seemed, were in high spirits, laughing about Chris thinking she’d seen Jakob Blom in Espresso House. As the time for the screening approached, though, all of the group got noticeably more excitable--even Isak, who found himself glancing up at the temporary screen every few minutes, wondering how it would all end.

They drew it out.

Forty five minutes of the show passed, with Tobias and Fredrik shuffling around each other, refusing to communicate. Maja and Calle broke up, and Maja and Tobias laid on the floor together, getting high and commiserating. Even after her pep talk, Tobias didn’t go to Fredrik, and Isak found himself getting agitated, just urging Tobias to go and make the move.

And then, 46 minutes in, Fredrik showed up at Tobias’s door.

Isak’s breath caught.

When Tobias and Fredrik finally came together in a kiss, hundreds of people in the audience cheered, but they didn’t stop there. The scene cut to them in bed: Tobias worshipping Fredrik’s stomach with kisses; Fredrik with his eyes closed in ecstasy against the wrinkled blue sheets of Tobias’s single bed. It was all tastefully shot--not a chance of telling who was on top--but Isak felt himself grow hot just watching it. Beside him, he could feel how Even was holding his breath, holding himself still, and Isak felt giddy with it.

“I love you,” Tobias said to Fredrik. “Don’t leave me.”

And then, all Isak could think about was Even’s hand as it yet again found his.

“Fuck the panel,” Isak said under his breath, as the credits finally rolled. “I just want to be alone with you.”

 

-

**purrfectlypink**

aaaaaahh @starinthrumyrearview just asked Ema Azmeh about the scene where Vera talks about the refugee crisis and Ema is getting emotional!!! She is even so beautiful when she cries!!!

#mxm screening #mxm panel #minute by minute #uppsala #emarat joelsson azmeh

  
-

**jobrows**

Big moments from the panel so far, with some on the fly translations from @waffles95

  * Emarat Azmeh on portraying Vera: It was a gift to be able to show someone so brave. I never wanted to be an actress but I couldn’t say no to her
  * Bonus: Ema confirmed that she was playing those instruments for real and is hoping to be a professional musician!
  * Jakob Blom confirmed that Minute By Minute is NOT ENDING! “I don’t know where that rumour came from. Nobody is leaving and nothing is over.”
  * A fan shouted from the audience “YEAH TOBRIK!”
  * Niclas Johansson has his arm around Jakob Blom and the other cast members are teasing them.
  * Maja and Calle are officially over; Tim said we will find out Calle’s reasons for interfering with Tobias and Fredrik next season
  * Big cheers for Erika Trossvik when she hints that Malin will get a new love interest next season… one fan shouts “make it a girl!”
  * Everybody ships Tobrik, but nobody ships it more than Niclas Johansson
  * Niclas thanks all the fans for supporting him “even when Fredrik was being an elitist bastard*”  




* Note from @waffles95 the word Niclas used was actually  **skitstövel** , which means “boot full of shit” [haha never change sverige]

 

-

 

It took Even three tries to swipe his keycard and get into the hotel room, but eventually they tumbled inside, laughing as Even nearly tripped over his own suitcase.

That laughter quickly turned to heavy breathing and Even pulled Isak in towards him, threading a hand through Isak’s hair and slipping his tongue back  into his mouth. Any other time, Isak might have stopped to envy his confidence, but the feeling of Even pressed against him was too perfect to complain.

“Even,” Isak gasped, pulling his own t-shirt over his head, secretly hating those two seconds he couldn’t see Even doing the same.

“You’re turned on by romance too, huh?” Even teased, and Isak couldn’t even be bothered to be subtle.

“Shut up,” he said, fumbling with his belt. “Help me.”

Even’s hands made quick work of undressing him, and Isak eventually left him to it, watching Even’s long fingers work first his belt, then his fly, then the zip of his jeans.

He pressed kisses down the side of Isak's neck, worrying at the skin there until Isak was sure Even was trying to mark him on purpose. It felt too good for him to mind it.

He was so hard already that it was difficult to think clearly, but as Even kissed down Isak's chest the image of Fredrik’s face flashed in his mind. The absolute trust in his eyes as Tobias had leaned in, before his mouth parted in a gasp.

And Isak tried to block out the thought, but...

There was one thing Isak had never even considered doing with Julian. Never felt comfortable enough to consider.

Even, on the other hand?

He could trust Even with that, maybe. Trust him enough to do that with. Not to make it too painful, or awkward, or overwhelming.

Now naked, Even pressed his skin to Isak’s skin, walking them back to the bed until Isak’s knees hit it and he buckled. Even sank to his knees for the second night in a row, his intentions crystal clear.

But Isak wasn’t thinking about blowjobs right now.

Isak pulled away, gathered his courage, and blurted it out before he could change his mind.

“Do you have condoms?”

Even stilled, and Isak felt a thrill of fear run through him in anticipation.

“Why? Do you want to...?”

Isak’s brain stuttered, then stalled. The look on Even’s face wasn’t the all-consuming lust Isak had pictured. It was something more like… confusion?

Even stood up.

“Don’t you want to?” Isak asked, and Even bit his lip, stepping back away from Isak.

“I would,” he said, quietly. “But you look freaked out.”

Ah.

“I’m not freaked out,” Isak said, but even as he heard it, he knew that wasn’t true. He looked down at Even's knobbly ankles, focusing entirely on his feet and not the half-hard dick near level with his face.

“Have you done it before?”

“No,” Isak admitted. “But I trust you, you know? If anyone’s going to do that to me...”

“I like you too.” Even smiled, then shook his head. “But we don’t have to do that, you know? Or, like, we could do it the other way around.”

Isak felt the embarrassment well up in him, hot and uncomfortable, at Even placating him. He’d thought--he’d hoped it would be a sexy moment, asking. That they could get swept up in it, and that would be that, and it would be quick and good and he wouldn’t have time to panic.

“I do want… I don’t want to be scared of it,” Isak said, because he didn’t want to lie about it. “I just wanna get it over with.”

 _In case I never see you again_ , said the voice in his head.

“Isak,” Even said, gently, and moved away entirely. Isak grabbed a pillow to cover himself, suddenly awkward about the semi he was still sporting. Somehow, Even’s questions hadn’t completely killed his erection.

“Do  _you_  like it?” Isak asked, and Even smiled.

“Getting fucked?”

Isak could only nod.

“I’ve only done it twice,” Even admitted. “But yes.” He shrugged. “Not everybody does, though.”

“I just…”

Isak trailed off, not knowing what to say.

Isak had once associated bottoming with being ‘that kind of gay guy’. The stereotypical, limp-wristed, girl-in-the-relationship kind. There was a part of him that hated that he ever thought like that, and wanted so badly to prove to himself that he wasn’t that person anymore. But there was also a part of him that was terrified, because if he liked it?

No matter how many times Isak had had the conversation with Sana and Even--“bottoming has nothing to do with personality!”--there were a lot of other people who would think that meant Isak was ‘that kind of gay guy’. Like Eskild’s friend Jan, who would proudly announce himself to a whole roomful of people as “a total bossy bottom bitch”. Jan was awesome, and Isak thought he was really cool and everything, really brave. But there was a shame deep inside, somewhere, that told Isak he wasn’t ready to be like that yet.

And he really wanted to move past it.

“I feel like I should try it,” Isak said, and Even moved closer again, taking Isak’s face in his hands. He didn’t ask why, and Isak was grateful, because it seemed like a stupid thing to get so tied up in knots over. Shouldn’t gay guys just know what they wanted to do? Why couldn’t Isak just try it without it feeling like some sort of existential question?

“Let’s just kiss,” Even said quietly, as if sensing Isak’s inner turmoil. “And see what we feel like doing, okay?”

Isak frowned, wanting to argue. But Even kissed him then, cutting off what Isak was about to say with a lingering peck.

Isak couldn’t help himself. He leaned into the kiss, only reluctantly parting his lips from Even’s.

“I could blow you again,” Even said, punctuated by another kiss. “Or you could fuck my thighs.” A kiss again, this one longer, before he pulled away with mischief in his eyes.

Isak smiled.

He felt his nerves slowly begin to dissipate as he leaned forward, expecting the next kiss.

“Or you could finger me,” a longer kiss from Even. “Or I could eat you out.”

Isak flushed at the very thought of that, reaching out and pulling Even close to kiss properly. Even responded hungrily, tossing the pillow from Isak’s lap to the bedroom floor.

“Whatever you want,” Even said, and Isak let go of his fears and just went with it, pulling Even down until he was pressing Isak into the bed, his dick pushing insistently into the ‘V’ of Isak’s groin.

“Want you,” Isak said nonsensically, spreading his legs wider without thinking. “Fuck, Even, yes.”

  


\--

 

**kingcoda**

Some fuzzy videos of tonight’s panel... Excuse the camera work @reggismeggis has a giant head hehe

http://y2u.be/j4dMnAPZu70  
http://y2u.be/q6dLhFVCg12  
http://y2u.be/s1bXnDDIs86

#wish you were here @bl0ndelvis #for you to watch later ;) #mxm panel

 

\--

 

 **jakobblomdaily  
**   


Translation: “goodnight uppsala, hope you got what you came here for ;)”  
  
  
#mxm livescreen #mxm panel #jakob blom #mina karlsson #tim lund #tobias allvin #calle arvidsson #maja bäckström

 

-

 

The next morning, Even’s alarm went off around nine, and he muttered  _meds_  to Isak before hauling himself out of bed to go into the bathroom and shut the door.

While Even was in there, Isak took the opportunity to finally check his phone. He’d just finished scrolling through posts on the panel when a new text from Julian came in, and he sighed before checking it. To his surprise, though, Julian seemed contrite.

  
 **JD**  
_Sorry about the texts._ _  
Sara says I’m being a dick._  
 _Hope this guy was nice._

 

Thank fuck. Isak didn’t know what Sara had said, but he was glad for her intervention.

 _It’s chill_ , Isak typed back, smiling to himself. And _he’s really cool_.

He was still smiling at Julian’s reply--the sunglasses emoji followed by several aubergines and peaches--when Even came back into the room.

“Everything okay?” Even asked, getting back under the covers.

“Awesome,” Isak said, pulling him in for a kiss.

Isak didn’t leave Even’s bed again until the last possible moment before he was due to head to the airport.

They still hadn’t talked about anything, Isak realised, as he untangled his limbs from Even’s dozing hold. They’d woken up early thanks to the open curtains, and Even had slipped his hand below the covers until they were both worked up, rubbing against each other slow and sleepy, kisses gross with morning breath. And before they’d fallen back to sleep, Isak had let Even encircle him in his arms, settling into his side with an undignified wriggle.

Perhaps it was best, though, Isak thought, as he pulled on his clothes, Even watching him through slitted eyes. Perhaps, this way, the few days they had together could be perfect as they were, without being tarnished by some discussion of what it all meant.

Honestly, Isak was torn. Part of him was afraid to ask what happened next. Part of him was desperate to know.

But, still--what could he say?

As Mikael knocked on the door, bustling back in to start packing his own bags, Isak kissed Even one last time.

“I have to go,” he said, even as Even peppered his face with sweet, insistent little pecks. “Even, seriously.”

Even kissed him one more time, in the corner of his mouth, and pulled back, finally letting Isak step away from him towards the door.

Now was the time to say something, if he was going to say something.

Something. Anything.

But Isak couldn’t bring himself to.

“I’ll see you soon,” he blurted out, ignoring the potential implications of that statement. And then, without waiting for an answer, he closed the door behind him, aware that that might just have been his last goodbye to Even.

Isak walked back to his room with a sinking heart, steeling himself to return home.

 

\--

 

**imilluminatii**

Thank you for having us, Uppsala.

#back to reality #don’t wanna go


	11. chapter 20/20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yeah?” Even said, and paused. “Uh, is this weird for you?”
> 
> Isak was too busy trying to keep his chill to get what he meant.
> 
> “Is what weird?”
> 
> “You know,” Even said, sounding strangely bashful. “Me sitting here, getting like, turned on thinking about you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's over.
> 
> All my love has to go to the people who have supported me through this: Immy, H, Sunshine, Desert, Chrissy. You're the best fandom friends I've ever had. My dear new friend Behindthecities, who betaed this last chapter, and the lovely champagneleftie and nofeartina for the constant cheerleading. Anne, for helping me with the Tumblr accounts (congratulations, girl!) All the people who have left me comments--especially junkshop-disco, strangetowns, arindwell, hermutka, antonokilljoy... I could go on and on, and I love you.
> 
> I started writing this fic as a love letter to fandom, and I really hope you all see it that way, too. Thank you for making me a very happy Kit.

**veraaawad**

GUYS THE MYSTERY BOY IS @imilluminatii SEND HELP

**reggismeggis**

      Lol #blimmy is real

**r4venthedreamer**

           BLIMMY?!!?!? @veraw4d i’m dying

**veraaawad**

                 #blimmy confirmed!!! OMG THAT PICTURE IS SO CUTE

 

-

 

**bemyloveintherain**

@imilluminatii AND @bl0ndelvis ARE TOGETHER AND WE SAW IT FIRST

#uppsala #minute by minute #mxm panel #blimmy

 

-

 **starinthrumyrearview**  
  
psa: posting pictures of people taken without their consent is not cool  
  
#especially people who aren’t even famous #leave my friends alone #reggismeggis stop feeding the trolls

  
-

  
Isak hadn’t really thought about anyone but Even, when he’d posted the picture. He’d been sitting on the train from Gardemoen, completely tuning out Jonas lecturing Eva on the evils of Starbucks for the thousandth time, and all he could think about was how stupid he must have looked, leaving Even’s room like that.  

The whole journey from Uppsala to Oslo, Isak had been thinking about Even. Eva and Jonas had tried to distract him with a rundown of the things the group had gotten up to, but Isak could only muster halfhearted laughs along.

“I can’t believe how beautiful Noora is,” Eva said, and Isak nodded.

Even was beautiful, in Isak’s opinion. He hadn’t really noticed anyone else.

“And Mikael,” Jonas said. “It was so cool to hear about his parents, you know? Have you ever heard of audism? It really makes you think about how much of society is based around things you can hear, you know?”

It made sense for Mikael to be cool, because he was Even’s friend. Isak didn’t say as much, but he knew that wasn’t really the point. Instead, he listened, nodding where it was appropriate, as Jonas and Eva reminisced about their perfect few days.

Apparently Isak had missed a lot.

Magnus and Vilde had become fast friends--despite his obvious crush--and posted a series of cute videos on Tumblr. Eva had found “some of the best friends of her life” in the girls and had gone on for half an hour straight about something Noora said at the panel. Mahdi had come through with some good weed, and Jonas was already talking about making a  podcast with him and Mikael where they got high and talked about politics. Sana and Vilde were making noises about arranging another meetup, just for them.

All of it sounded great, and Isak hoped he'd get to know everyone better, too. But he didn't regret for a second that he'd ditched everyone else to be with Even.

It had been like a dream.

Now, back at the kollektiv under Eskild’s nosy attentions, Isak was forced to admit that he probably should have just talked to Even before he left. He’d been staring at his phone in bed--so focused on the absolute lack of notifications that he hadn’t even heard Eskild knocking.

Before he knew it, Eskild was sitting gingerly on the edge of his bed, wrinkling his nose in distaste at the mess on the floor.

“So? How was it?” He asked, fixing Isak with the most direct of gazes. He wiggled his eyebrows just once, for effect, and Isak realized with a groan that he didn’t just mean the trip in general.

“How was what?”

Playing it cool didn’t work either--Eskild simply looked fondly exasperated.

“You know.”

“No, I don’t. “

Isak had never been good at lying to Eskild.

“Baby gay,” Eskild said, “did Eva teach you nothing? A little bit of concealer and voila, that mark on your neck would be gone.”

_Shit._

Isak’s hand flew to his neck, feeling his whole body cringe with embarrassment. For a second it was hard to meet Eskild’s eyes, but Eskild waited patiently for him to do so before he spoke again. His voice now was gentle.

“So? Meeting Even went well?”

Flashes of Even’s laugh against his mouth, Even’s bright eyes, Even’s low voice: just the memories of them sent a thrill through Isak.

“Yeah…” he said, allowing himself a smile.

“Yeah? Hello, Isak, I am asking for a little bit more than that.”

“It was good, Eskild.”

“And he treated you well?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

Eskild sat back, appraising him. The smile on his face was coy, like he couldn’t stop himself.

“You’re glowing,” he pronounced, totally fucking satisfied.

Isak anticipated him leaning forward even before Eskild actually did it.

“What? Ugh.”

“No, let me look at you closely!”

“Eskild!”

Protesting didn’t help, but Isak didn’t really mind. Eskild wrapped him up in his arms, and after a moment Isak let himself relax, rest his chin on Eskild’s shoulder.

He couldn’t believe he was sitting here talking to Eskild about a boy. A nice boy who had kissed him like it meant something. The boy he was when he first moved into the kollektiv would never have been able to imagine this, and the thought made something well up in Isak’s chest.

“So, are you going to see him again?” Eskild asked, once Isak had finally disentangled himself from a very persistent hug.

“I don’t know,” Isak admitted, finally looking back at his phone.

He had one new notification.

 

**-**

**bl0ndelvis**

 

takk for nå @imilluminatii

#nice try #mine is cuter #thank YOU for having ME ;)

 

-

When Isak looked up from the phone, Eskild was giving him a knowing look. With a smirk, he stood up, brushing imaginary dirt off of his t-shirt.

“Well,” he said. “I’ve got a date with some margaritas.”

Isak rolled his eyes, but Eskild didn’t seem at all discouraged by it.

“Be careful,” he said, as he closed the door behind him.

And then it was just Isak, alone, staring at his phone screen like the picture would disappear.

What was he supposed to say to that?

He pressed the ‘reply’ button, and bit his lip as his fingers hovered over the letters.

 _Did i have you?_ He typed, then immediately deleted it. No, that wasn’t a good way to ask.

 _# you can have me any time-_ fuck, no. It was true, but… no.

Finally, he settled on something simple, hoping that it was right, and settled in to wait for Even’s response.

_loser <3 _

He didn’t have to worry about being kept waiting. Barely a minute after he replied to Even’s post--suspiciously soon, even--his phone vibrated in his hand with a new text.

 

 **Even bl0ndelvis** _  
_ I miss you already.

 

Isak felt like throwing his hands up in celebration. He barely resisted the urge to screenshot the message and send it to Eva, accompanied by a trail of exclamation marks.

Even! Missed him!

Before he could even psych himself up to reply, Even sent something else, and Isak found himself smiling at his phone like an idiot.

 

**Even bl0ndelvis**

I miss you already.

Haha  
You too

Breakfast was fun

Oh yeah?

Mags ships Evak apparently

Haha

But that’s okay because so do I

Smooth <3  
  
Are you home?

Yeah  
Back in Oslo now. Bored.  
Are you alone?

Eskild has gone out and Linn is sleeping as usual.   
Yes.

Skype?  
Lol

… what the fuck  
That’s it, we’re done

Okay, it was nice while it lasted  
;)

  
;)  
Idiot.  
I’m online when you want to call.

 

\--

Even took no time at all to send him a Skype call request and Isak scrambled to look presentable and sit up against the wall as he answered. When he did, Even’s face beamed at him from his usual spot at his desk, and Isak couldn’t help smiling back.

“Isak,” Even said.

“Even.” Isak mimicked.

“So you missed me?”

“Shut up. You said it first.”

“Well, it’s true,” Even said with a pout. Then, turning more serious: “You ran out pretty fast this morning.”

Well, shit. Isak hadn’t expected him to go straight for the kill like that.

It was true, though. A fair comment. Isak _had_ panicked and run off like a complete moron.

“Yeah.”

“I had a good time with you, though,” Even said. Isak couldn’t read his face.

“So did I,” Isak promised, but Even didn’t say anything more. Nervous, Isak couldn’t help trying to fill the silence. “I’m sorry for being weird. I didn’t know what to say.”

It was true, and Even seemed to appreciate it, because his face softened at that.

“Isak, it’s chill.”

It wasn’t really chill though, Isak thought. He wanted to talk about what had happened between them. He really, really wanted to talk about it and he wanted Even to say he wanted Isak and he wanted it to be more than just a one-off thing.

He just didn’t know where to start with it.

“I’m just like… I don’t know. Ugh.”

“Very eloquent,” Even said with a smile, and Isak frowned. It wasn’t that he minded the teasing, but--

“No, hey,” Even continued. “I get what you mean. It was a bit of whirlwind, I think.”

“Yeah,” Isak admitted. Because that much he agreed with.

“It’s not every day you get to meet your online crush.”

“You were _not_ my crush,” Isak spluttered, and Even laughed.

“I was talking about me,” Even said. “I’d been looking forward to meeting you.”

_Really?_

Isak couldn’t really imagine that... although of course he’d been exactly the same.

He didn’t know what to say to that, except:

“Um, was I what you expected?”

“Better,” Even said, very earnestly. Then, his expression grew devilish.  “That thing you did last night? I’ve been thinking about it all day.”

Fuck. Isak felt himself grow hot at that--both at the words, and at the memory of what Even meant. Even’s face, come to think of it, was doing it for him, too. As Isak looked at the screen, Even leaned back from the desk, stretching out so that his t-shirt rode up to expose his belly.

“Me too,” Isak said, swallowing his nerves.

He suddenly had a very clear idea of where this conversation might be going.

“It felt so good,” Even said. “It was so--”

He bit his lip, trailing off.

“Good,” Isak said, a bit breathlessly.

“Yeah?” Even said, and paused. “Uh, is this weird for you?”

Isak was too busy trying to keep his chill to get what he meant.

“Is what weird?”

“You know,” Even said, sounding strangely bashful. “Me sitting here, getting like, turned on thinking about you.”

Oh.

Isak couldn’t help it--he laughed out loud.

“That would make me a hypocrite,” he said, and Even let out a sigh of relief as one hand disappeared under the desk. Isak tried not to make any embarrassing noises as Even’s breath caught, and Isak saw his arm moving rhythmically back and forth.

He really wanted a better view.

Also: he really wanted to touch himself.

Even looked up at the sound of Isak’s hoodie hitting the floor, and Isak tried not to blush at the hungry look on his face. Isak wasn’t trying to be sexy, or whatever--but he’d sweat like a pig if he tried to jerk off in that damn hoodie, and it wouldn’t be attractive.

Even looked fascinated though, and so Isak slipped his hand into his own boxers, where he was already more than halfway hard.

It was nothing like any Skype sex Isak had ever read--none of the explicit dirty talk he read in fic, or mentions of broken moans or pretty holes. It was just him and Even--two boys in wrinkled t-shirts in dark bedrooms, getting off on the sounds of each other’s breathing, and on the memory of each other’s touch. Neither of them would be winning any awards for the things they said to each other--Isak was pretty sure his entire vocabulary had narrowed down to ‘Even’ and ‘yes’ and ‘good’.

And so, when Isak came, it was to the sound of Even saying his name like some sort of benediction.

As Isak lay there, post-orgasm, he completely forgot that he and Even hadn’t talked about what any of it meant.

**-**

**Mahdi  
** Another stalker pic up  
Oh shit

 **Sana  
** Way ahead of you.

 **Mahdi  
** Sana just ripped them a new one lol

 **Mikael  
** #rip

 **Sana  
** Fuck with them and you're fucking with us

 **Vilde  
** I sent them a message too!

 **Mahdi  
** Oh damn

 **Sana  
** Vilde what did you say?

 **Vilde  
** I just said it wasn't nice to post about other people in the fandom  
Was that okay?

**Sana**

That sounds good, girl <3

 **Vilde  
** Yay  <3  
I was worried for a second there

 **Mahdi  
** Why are people so obsessed with this

 **Mikael  
** lol you want to talk about how you crashed and burned with bae haha

 **Magnus  
** Hahahah wow brutal

Lol what?

 **Mahdi  
** I wasn't hitting on them!  
You'd know it if I was trust me

 **Sana  
**...

 **Jonas  
** Can we talk about something else?

 **Eva  
** I'm with Jonas

 **Sana  
** We know

 **Mikael  
** Lol no shit

 **Magnus  
** Okay but guys!!!  
Did you see the pics of Jakob and Ema she just posted on ig?!?!

 **Eva  
** Whaaaat  
New pics?

 **Magnus  
** Season one bts  
But yeah new pics I'll ss  
[magnus has sent an image]

 **Eva  
** lol hashtag besties  
Remember when we all thought they were dating

 **Vilde  
** Omg  
You don't think they were dating?

*facepalm*

 **Jonas  
** Magnus look what you did

 

-

 

Over the next week, Isak threw himself into writing his fic. The day after he arrived back in Lillehammer, Even had gone to the north, apparently, to help out on some short film a friend of his was making.

He was still texting Isak when he could, but he was out filming on the lakes a lot, apparently, and even when he wasn’t exhausted at the end of the day, his calls to Isak were short, always cut off by shitty reception.

He sounded like he was loving it, and Isak was glad… but he was a little jealous that Even didn’t seem to be stewing over his thoughts the way Isak was.

So: fic it was. Isak went to the skate park with Jonas and Eva, and he talked to the group chat, and he avoided Eskild’s interrogations, and he wrote _Go Forth_. And every now and then, his phone would light up, and it would throw him off everything he was doing.

-

 

**Even bl0ndelvis**

I miss you  
Saw this and thought of you

Wtf  
Nice

I’m the nicest

Haha

;)

I miss you too

 

-

 

“Who are you texting?”

They’d been hanging out on Eva’s sofa eating pizza and watching Narcos when Even texted.

It had been like this since Even went to the north. Texting on and off--Isak getting a stupid smile on his face at every message, even as he itched to push for more. It seemed pretty clear, by this point, that Even wanted to continue to have a friendship with him--maybe more, if the flirting (and that one Skype orgasm) had anything to say about it. But the more they texted, the more Isak was confused about what Even wanted.

“Even,” he admitted, and Eva paused with a string of cheese dangling from her lips.

“Is he home yet?” Jonas asked, shooting Eva what was probably supposed to be a subtle look.

Isak rolled his eyes.

“No,” he said. And stuffed another bite of pizza into his mouth.

Eva sighed dreamily. “Fucking hell, you’re going to be such a cute couple,” she said. “Noora and I were talking about it the other day.”

Isak raised his eyebrows at that, defiantly bit off more pizza, and kept chewing.

“So are you together now?” Jonas asked, and Isak coughed, swallowing his mouthful.

He was getting sick of asking himself that question.

“We’re having… a thing. I don’t know.”

“A thing?” Eva and Jonas exchanged looks again.

“Yeah, you know. It’s kind of… undefined. Right now.”

“Well, what are you waiting for?” Eva asked, a sassy note in her voice. “Why haven’t you snapped him up, already?”

Oh, Eva.

Isak knew she meant well, but it wasn’t that easy. He wasn’t a beautiful girl who had been able to toss her hair and get the man she wanted to fall for her, girlfriend be damned. He didn’t have a clue how to start the conversation he needed to have with Even.

Maybe if it was a story, and Frederik was asking Tobias what they were, Isak would know what to say.

But here, in his real life? The nerves were paralyzing.

“Bro,” Jonas said, interrupting his thoughts. “He’s into you, you’re into him. Why are you letting him play around?”

“Maybe they’re waiting for him to come home?” Eva replied, giving her boyfriend a Look. “That could be super romantic, though.”

Honestly, Isak didn’t know what he was waiting for. He just knew that he wanted more.

Why couldn’t Even make the first move?

 

-

**Sana (starinthrumyrearview)**

Can I ask you something?

Depends.

On what?

How stupid the question is.

 

Maybe a little bit stupid?

… okay.  
Ask me.

 

It's about me and Even.  
Am I being unrealistic to think  
it’s more than a one time thing?

Why are you asking me?

Well, you have a boyfriend.  
And I thought you'd tell me the truth.

Firstly. Yousef can't be compared to other boys.

...

Secondly. Have you asked him?

No.  
I don’t want to look pathetic.

Can't help you there, Isobel.  
But Even can’t read your mind any more  
Than you can read his. Remember that.

 

-

Eventually, Isak reached breaking point.

The thing was, realistically, Isak knew that Even couldn’t read his mind. He knew what he wanted to be true, and he knew what had been said and done, but he didn’t know if Even was on the same page.

As he typed out the message, he knew that he should probably just call. He knew that he should wait until he could Skype Even, get it all clear, face to face. But the more he sat there and thought about it, the more he didn’t want to wait.

He and Even had had a perfect couple of days together--together in every sense of the word--and Isak wanted more of that. If that wasn’t what Even wanted, too, Isak needed to know.

At the end of the day, he still wanted something real. Something he could have, and hold.

 

**Even bl0ndelvis**

 

This is going to sound like such a  
fucking cliche so I’m sorry if I’m  
reading this wrong or whatever.  
But what are we?

Even?

Even?

Even read the messages four minutes later.

He didn’t reply.

 

-

Summer in Oslo was progressing just like it always did, but after Isak’s message, time seemed to pass deceptively slowly.

It was three days before he finally heard back from Even: a late night phone call that had him scrambling in his Duvet, rubbing his bleary eyes.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Isak said back. He yawned down the phone, then covered his mouth--but at least it stopped him from sounding nervous.

“Sorry I didn’t text you back,” Even said, his voice low. He sounded bone tired, and Isak found himself holding his breath a little, waiting for what he would say next.

Isak’s unanswered question played on his mind, but when Even spoke, it was about something else entirely.

“I officially dropped out today.”

Oh. Isak scrubbed a hand through his sleep-messy hair. Fuck.

“Of film school?” He asked, to be sure.

“Yeah. My parents aren't totally on board, to say the least.”

“Wow,” Isak said. He settled back against his pillows again, unsure of what to say. “Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

Even sighed down the line.

“Don't know.” He paused long enough that Isak wondered if he was going to say anything else. Then, in a small voice, he asked, “What if this is a mistake?”

Isak cleared his throat, stalling for time.

He knew he wasn’t exactly the person came to when they needed advice. Maybe a little too emotionally stunted for it--never sure what to say or how to give comfort without sounding horrible awkward. But for Even, he would try.

“I think maybe... you can cross that bridge when you come to it.”

“Yeah?” Even’s voice was still tiny, but he sounded curious, now.

“Yeah. You know. Take it one step at a time.”

“Minute by minute?” Even asked.

Isak could hear the smile in his voice, and huffed out a laugh. It was half relief, half actual amusement.

“You're so fucking pretentious.”

“You like it, though,” Even said, his voice lighter. Isak didn’t hesitate to reply in kind.

“You know I do.”

A silence fell between them as Isak thought about whether to say what he really wanted to.

Even hadn’t answered his question about what they were doing, which was his decision… but Isak couldn't help it. He just wanted some idea of what was going to happen between them.

“So…” Isak finally said. Because he couldn’t help himself. In the dark of his room, with things so quiet like this, it felt easier to ask the thing he needed to ask. “Are you coming back to Oslo?”

Isak’s question had been cautious, but Even’s response was even more so.

“Yeah. I think I am.”

“That’s… good. Do you know when?”

“Not really. I've been thinking about it, but I've been feeling a bit… yeah. I'm just trying to. I don't know. Like…”

“Hey. It's chill, Even.”

“One step at a time, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s okay,” Isak said, and he tried to mean it.

He bit his lip, waiting for Even’s reply. Maybe he’d pushed too hard, he realized. Maybe, actually, Even had been trying to tell him that he wasn’t interested in hooking up in Oslo--or maybe he felt pressured by Isak’s questions, or--

“Thank you,” Even replied.

His voice was low again now, husky with tiredness and emotion.

Isak let out a breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding.

“You’ll be the first to know,” he promised, and Isak tried not to read too much into it. Then, again. “Thank you, Isak.”

When they finally hung up, nothing had been resolved. But a small glimmer of hope had awakened in Isak’s chest, at the thought of Even coming to Oslo for good. Of Isak being the first person Even wanted to tell.

If all Even needed was time, Isak could wait. Just a little bit longer.  

-

 

In the meantime, there was Fredrik and Tobias, who really deserved a happy ending.

On the show, yes, but also in Isak’s story. He typed the final full stop of the final scene, and sat back, suddenly overwhelmed by the knowledge that it was done. _Go Forth_ was officially drafted in its entirety, and Fredrik and Tobias had all but ridden off into the sunset.

This thing that had consumed so many hours of Isak’s thoughts was finally done, ready to be binge-read in one sitting at 3:00 by whatever fan happened to stumble across it.

Isak smiled, and shot off a text to Even. It was 2:00, but Isak knew Even was still awake, because he’d been reblogging stuff on Tumblr only minutes before.

 _Finished_ , he wrote, and smiled as he received a string of heart-eyed emojis in return.

 _Can I read it first?_  Even wrote, and Isak grinned even wider as he typed his response.

_Just sent it to Magnus. You can read it second._

Isak could almost see Even pouting through the phone, but the conversation fizzled out there. Isak sighed. That was pretty normal, recently.

That was the way things had been, the past couple of weeks. And it wasn’t like it had all been moping: he’d smoked up with Jonas and he’d caught up on all the group chat gossip. He’d seen Eskild in two compromising positions, had one more heart-to-heart with Sana, and he’d spent a long weekend at the cabin with Eva, Jonas, Ingrid, Sara, and Julian without any major incident.

But although Even and Isak had continued texting, Isak had felt the distance. He knew it was on both sides. He’d been hesitant, since they last talked, trying to give Even some time and space--not cutting things off completely, but just putting less pressure on him.

The writing had helped a lot. Isak had to admit that imagining things working out for Tobias and Fredrik was a good way to work out his own frustrations.

Maybe it wasn’t real, but writing about what he wanted for Tobias and Fredrik made it easier to acknowledge what he wanted from Even: everything. More. And soon.

Even might realize that when he read it, Isak knew.

But he also knew he’d send it to him anyway.

 

-

 

 **Magnus (reggismeggis)** **  
  
**

Wow  
You actually finished the draft  
You do realize this is like 30k to read

No rush Mags.

I’m so excited!!

Thanks.

No problem :D

No, really. You’re the best, Magnus.

Lol  
I’m telling Even you said that

Haha  
Don’t you dare.

 

-

 

Before Isak even knew it, June was making way to July, and the city came alive with flags and music. A couple of days after his birthday, he found himself somewhere he had never imagined being brave enough to go.

Pride.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t afraid of people like Elias finding out about him, but those worries seemed like they belonged to another person. Those fears were still valid, but Isak found, now that he knew what it was like to walk hand in hand with Even, and kiss him in a public place, that he hated the thought of barricading himself back inside his closet.

So when Eskild invited him to check out Pride Park, Isak said yes.

He had asked Sara and Julian if they wanted to come with him, even, but they’d shared an indecipherable look and said no, maybe next time. Sara had looked a little bit wistful but mostly afraid, and Isak noticed how Julian’s arm around her shoulder hung loose.

He didn’t need them to come, though. That wasn’t what this was about.

Jonas and Eva had made plans to go to the parade on Saturday, and Isak was looking forward to that, but both had agreed he was better off going to Pride Park with Eskild, for now. Isak saw why. There was something so much more intimate about it than a parade -- going around the booths, talking to people, knowing he was safe and that Eskild was there if it all got to be too much.

Until he was inside the gates, though, he hadn’t anticipated what it would actually be like. The joy in the air, the explosion of colour, the flags. People young and old: boys holding hands with boys, and girls kissing girls, and nonbinary people and transpeople, and ageing queens and baby gays, punks and families and people with glitter in their beards all sat around on wooden benches drinking pink cider or beer. Something about it pulled at Isak’s heartstrings.

It was one thing to be in a fandom, or to see himself in Tobias. To watch gay coming of age films on Youtube and delete his search history after watching hours and hours of ‘best gay kisses’ compilation clips. To see, more often than not, queer life end in tragedy.

Here in the world, people were doing more than just surviving, and it was like a blow to Isak’s chest. The word ‘pride’ suddenly made more sense than Isak had ever realized, and when Isak’s eyes welled up, Eskild was nice enough to pretend he believed Isak really had allergies. When Eskild came back from one of the booths with a little rainbow badge, Isak simply took a deep breath and pinned it to his chest, before taking out his phone to send a picture to Even.

 

**Even bl0ndelvis**

 

Just got to Pride Park. Wow.  
So many rainbows.

 

!!!!  
I know, right?  
How are you doing?

It’s good! Eskild is looking out for me.

 

Good.  
How is it?

Well there are a lot of hot guys here.

:/  
Seriously.

 

Haha

 

I hear the band playing now is good  
Iffy Orbit?

Are you stalking the program?

 

No ;)

Yeah I’m at the big stage now. They’re okay.

 

The drummer is pretty cute.

 

  
But not as cute as you in those jeans. <3

 

...

Even?!?

Isak looked up, and like every dream he'd ever had about this day, there Even was. Standing with the sunlight haloing around his ridiculous fucking hair, douchey sunglasses slipping down his nose.

Isak wanted.

Without another word, Even stepped into his personal space, and Isak raised his arms to wrap around him.

“Hi,” Even said into his hair, and Isak laughed it back into Even’s shoulder.

For a moment they just stood there, holding each other tight, and Isak forgot about anything else.

Then, at his side, Eskild cleared his throat.

Isak pulled away, sheepish, before raising his eyebrows at Even. Even, meanwhile was practically vibrating with excitement, clearly far too pleased with himself. Even as they split apart, Even kept close--far closer than he needed to be, with how far they were from the stage.

“What are you doing here?” Isak asked, because he couldn’t quite believe this was happening.

The last time he’d checked, Even was filming pickups in the mountains somewhere with shitty wifi.

“Last minute thing,” Even said. “I’m helping out at the Oslo Fusion booth.”

“Oslo Fusion?”

“The film festival.”

Eskild had, somehow, been silent through their exchange thus far, but took the opportunity now to jump in.

“Skeive Filmer?” Eskild interrupted.

Even nodded.

“Yeah, but they renamed it for some reason”

“The old name was better,” Eskild sniffed, and Even smiled.

“Yeah, definitely.” Isak could practically see Eskild’s body language relax, going into flirt mode. Even looked totally unphased by it… and his arm was still casually looped around Isak’s waist. “You must be Eskild. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

He shared a look with Isak that had Isak widening his eyes, because: _sparkly dildos_. He was pretty sure the last conversation he had with Even about Eskild included sparkly dildos.

“Enchanted,” Eskild said, and put out his hand for Even to shake. “And I take it you’re Isak’s new beau?”

Even smiled wider. Isak only held his breath for a moment before Even was answering. “I hope so.”

“Well,” Eskild said, barely hiding his grin. “I’ll leave you both to it.”

Isak barely noticed him leaving, he was so wrapped up in Even.

Even looked so fucking good. Isak drank him in, slow and obvious: he white vintage rap t-shirt and jeans; the gravity-defying hair; the blue, yellow and pink button pinned to his chest. When he finally met Even’s eyes, they were undeniably fond.

“Hi,” Even said again, softly. “I missed you.”

“You too,” Isak said.

“I’m sorry to keep you waiting,” Even said.

Isak shrugged. It hadn’t been easy; he wouldn’t pretend otherwise.

“I read your chapter,” Even continued. “It was… wow.”

With Even so close, reaching out for his hand, Isak remembered why it was worth it.

Later, Isak knew, he would have a lot of questions. Like, how had Even known to find him here? Why had Even not told him he was coming? But for now, there was just one thing on his mind.

“Are you back for good?” He asked, and Even’s face broke into a smile that had Isak’s heart racing.

“Why? Do you not want your new beau around?”

Isak wrinkled his nose, and Even laughed, pulling Isak closer.

“Seriously,” Isak said, and Even schooled his expression into something more sombre.

“I’m home for good,” he said. “If you’ll have me.”

Isak felt himself leaning closer, but that still wasn’t clear enough.

“Like a boyfriend?” Isak asked, and Even smiled.

“If you’ll have me,” he repeated. “I know I’m not always easy--”

But Isak cut him off before he could continue. Whatever Even was going to say, Isak didn’t want to hear.

Instead, he wanted to relearn the way that Even’s mouth tasted, the exact angle to tilt his chin.

As Isak’s fingers tangled in Even’s hair a few people around them let out friendly cheers, and Isak felt Even smile against his mouth.

Isak kissed, and he let himself be kissed. Isak kept kissing Even until the shape of him felt familiar again.

He leaned in, getting closer and closer until Even could probably feel the flag pin on Isak’s clothes digging into him, until someone pointedly coughed behind them and they drew apart, laughing. The band was playing something faster now, crashing and jubilant indie rock that Isak would forget by the morning, but right now it felt perfect.

Even took Isak’s hand, and led him away from the stage, and then he kissed him again--sweet and eager, peppering Isak’s face and neck with them like he was making up for lost time. All Isak could do was laugh, kiss him back, even as the sun beat down on them, turning the back of Even’s neck bright pink, and as the smell of fried food and beer filled the air. Isak kissed, and was kissed, and he didn’t give a fuck about anything else.

In that moment, it didn’t matter that they were next to Karl Johan, that this was happening in Oslo. Let the world see them, Isak thought.

Let everyone fucking see how real this was.

 

-

 

 **Magnus  
** SOS it’s been 5 days since we’ve heard from #evak  
Jonas and Eva is Isak alive

 **Jonas  
** Lol

 **Eva  
** LOL

 **Mahdi  
** You are way too invested in this bro

 **Chris  
** Shut up Mahdi  
some of us wanna know

 **Vilde  
** xD

 

We’re alive

 

 **Chris  
**!!!

**Even**

**Magnus  
** OMG

 **Vilde  
** Aaaaah!!! <3

 **Mikael  
** I didn’t need to see that

 **Sana  
** Congratulations, boys

 **Even  
** Thank you <3

 

-

“Do you think that’ll do it?” Even said, putting down his phone to peer over Isak’s shoulder. Isak’s laptop sat open on his lap.

“I don’t know,” Isak said. “But I’m not saying anything else.”

Even kissed the side of his face, and Isak leaned into it for just a second. It had been a busy summer, since Pride, full of ups and downs and figuring things out as they went along. But Isak was happier than he’d ever been in his life, and it felt like starting a new chapter.

Maybe even a new book.

Isak’s finger hovered over the cursor, and Even kissed the side of his neck, slow but sure. He’d been handsy all afternoon, but Isak had to give it to him--he’d been pretty patient through Isak’s last round of edits, and his fretting over sex scene logistics and character growth.

He couldn’t believe it had been so many months since he started writing. Back then, he’d been nobody. He hadn’t known Even-- or Magnus, or Mikael, or Vilde. And he’d had so many comments, such a rollercoaster, seeing this fic through. After all that, Isak was now ready to post his final chapter...

If not quite ready to let go.

“Come on,” Even said, now. “Publish it, baby.”

Isak sighed, then turned to Even, allowing his lips to be caught in a slow tease of a kiss.

As Even pulled away, Isak chased his lips, then scowled at the mirth in Even’s eyes.

“Fine,” Isak said. Even moved closer, his hand creeping up past Isak’s knee as Isak turned back to his screen.

“Come on,” Even said, his voice soft, but firm. “I’m starting work tomorrow, I want to spend some time with my boyfriend.”

Isak smiled, looking his boyfriend in the eyes.

Isak saved his draft.

Then, with a deep breath, he scrolled down and pressed ‘post’.  


-

 

[go forth (into the storm)](https://bl0ndelvis.tumblr.com/post/164600352420/go-forth-into-the-storm-imilluminatii-minute) by **imilluminatii** for **bl0ndelvis**

 **Fandoms:** Minute by Minute (TV)

Explicit, No Archive Warnings Apply, M/M, complete

 **Tags:** Carl Tobias Allvin/Fredrik Liljestrand, Vera Awad, Malin Borg, alternate universe - canon divergence, first time, get together, anal sex, shotgunning, intercrural

 **Summary:** In which Tobias never makes it to the cabin.

Language: English   Words: 130,210   Chapters: 20/20   Comments: 513   Kudos: 2312 Bookmarks: 401  Hits: 166800

 

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr at [towonderland72](http://towonderland72.tumblr.com) and follow Isak and Even for more story-related content!
> 
>  
> 
> Isak: [imilluminatii](http://imilluminatii.tumblr.com)  
> Even: [bl0ndelvis](http://bl0ndelvis.tumblr.com)


End file.
